Jay's relationship glossary :)

[jay]

I've had several discussions lately with folks about relationship labels. For myself, I tend to view friendship and relationship as part of a continuous spectrum, with friendships simply being a kind of incomplete/damaged/otherwise-constrained relationship (if close) or else simply a non-hostile person (if not close). These are mine, for my own historical reasons, and I am not trying to persuade anyone else to use them. Only perhaps to better understand what I say, at times?

sweetie: someone with whom I have emotional closeness and affection, a loving relationship. And typically some degree of attachment, and/or ongoing communication with each other. It is regardless of whether there's been any physical play or intimacy in the relationship, of whatever sort. Someone I trust and can have fun with.

lover: is someone with whom I've been some form of physically intimate, ironically whether or not there's any ongoing emotional attachment.

partner = sweetie + lover, plus a deeper ongoing commitment or attachment.

friend: is generally someone with whom I've mutually agreed to not be hostile. Closer to me than an acquaintance, but the term doesn't carry any connotation of openness or safety or support. If someone says "let's just be friends", I hear "we'll agree to not be enemies in the future, but not necessarily anything more." Not a love-relationship, per se.

friend-with-benefits: = friend + lover, without ongoing attachment

ambigu-sweetie: from radven originally, for me this is vaguely friend+sweetie, but since those are along the same continuum, it refers to differing connections in different activities.

tocotox, quantum-relationship: these are placeholder names I use for relationships/friendships that don't easily fit in the above categories, or which may function as one thing in some ways and as a different one in others. Or may probabilistically jump between different energy/connection levels over time, in the latter case.

I last visited this topic about 16 months ago, in this thread.

Comments

[satyrlovesong.livejournal.com]

Isn't language grand? We are all speaking the same language, but that doesn't mean we understand eachother. My definitions of most of these terms are wildly different from yours, so it's wonderful to have a refresher course in what you mean.

I often wonder if what *I* see as blue is what everyone else sees as blue, or if they actually see red but call it blue. Without being able to experience AS them, I'll never know really.

[satyrlovesong.livejournal.com]

I've been thinking about this, and am rather puzzled why we don't have more linguistic matches since we share some regional similarities. I use a variety of terms, most of which indicate a rather vague fondness, and they litter both my speech and my writing.

Sweetie, sweetness, dear one, darling and even kiddo - these all have roughly the same meaning (I'm quite fond of you) but are used in different circumstances. Dear one and darling are more often used in condolences (though not exclusively) and sweetie or sweetness are often in more positive situations. Kiddo is generally used with praise or admonition, but never with people I don't like or am actively angry with.

Dearest usually refers to someone I'm feeling particularly fond of at that moment.

Using a nickname, particularly one that is very exclusive, is a strong signal of affection and not something I do lightly. Use of someone's proper given name when they typically use a standardized nickname is . . . well, a sign I find them very appealing (Michael, vs. Mike, for example, or an extreme example of affection would be Mon Saint Michel).

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Hm... regional similarities in some ways, not in others. I still find myself saying "yes, ma'am" or "yes, sir" unconsciously to waitresses and airline agents. But endearments in speech... less so. I was a social outcast during my teen years, and really did not begin to socialize until MIT, which has probably warped my language usages (and other things ;).

I rarely use "sweetie" as a passing endearment, as for me, it's a bit like using "friend" or "spouse" similarly. Sometimes I'll use it to open an email to, well, a sweetie.

"Dear" is added on when I'm feeling affectionate towards someone in that moment, but usually only for partners/sweeties. Occasional but rare use with closer friends, but I have to be careful that they then don't parse it as a diminutive.

"dear one" has always been reserved for patgreene, as has "dearest," except in occasional email salutations to partners.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

(nods) or are they unawares color-shifted, and are actually seeing ultraviolet and calling it purple, with purple called blue, etc.? Without comparing descriptions of a common benchmark (say, light at a given frequency), they'd never know that they were using different words for the same color.