Jay's relationship glossary :)

[jay]

I've had several discussions lately with folks about relationship labels. For myself, I tend to view friendship and relationship as part of a continuous spectrum, with friendships simply being a kind of incomplete/damaged/otherwise-constrained relationship (if close) or else simply a non-hostile person (if not close). These are mine, for my own historical reasons, and I am not trying to persuade anyone else to use them. Only perhaps to better understand what I say, at times?

sweetie: someone with whom I have emotional closeness and affection, a loving relationship. And typically some degree of attachment, and/or ongoing communication with each other. It is regardless of whether there's been any physical play or intimacy in the relationship, of whatever sort. Someone I trust and can have fun with.

lover: is someone with whom I've been some form of physically intimate, ironically whether or not there's any ongoing emotional attachment.

partner = sweetie + lover, plus a deeper ongoing commitment or attachment.

friend: is generally someone with whom I've mutually agreed to not be hostile. Closer to me than an acquaintance, but the term doesn't carry any connotation of openness or safety or support. If someone says "let's just be friends", I hear "we'll agree to not be enemies in the future, but not necessarily anything more." Not a love-relationship, per se.

friend-with-benefits: = friend + lover, without ongoing attachment

ambigu-sweetie: from radven originally, for me this is vaguely friend+sweetie, but since those are along the same continuum, it refers to differing connections in different activities.

tocotox, quantum-relationship: these are placeholder names I use for relationships/friendships that don't easily fit in the above categories, or which may function as one thing in some ways and as a different one in others. Or may probabilistically jump between different energy/connection levels over time, in the latter case.

I last visited this topic about 16 months ago, in this thread.

Comments

[satyrlovesong.livejournal.com]

Isn't language grand? We are all speaking the same language, but that doesn't mean we understand eachother. My definitions of most of these terms are wildly different from yours, so it's wonderful to have a refresher course in what you mean.

I often wonder if what *I* see as blue is what everyone else sees as blue, or if they actually see red but call it blue. Without being able to experience AS them, I'll never know really.

[zpdiduda.livejournal.com]

Interesting! Your definitions are very different from mine, although we use many of the same terms (I'm giggling at "ambigu-sweetie" -- it's one I think I'll add to my own lexicon). Kudos for your success at defining the terms so clearly for yourself.

*hugs*

[geekchick]

I third the "good thing you post your definitions" because I define, for example, sweetie and friend very differently than you do.

[griffen.livejournal.com]

friend: is generally someone with whom I've mutually agreed to not be hostile. Closer to me than an acquaintance, but the term doesn't carry any connotation of openness or safety or support. If someone says "let's just be friends", I hear "we'll agree to not be enemies in the future, but not necessarily anything more."

That's sad, to me. Friend does not mean simply "we have agreed not to be hostile." Friend, to me, means "someone who gives a damn if something happens to you."

[wordweaverlynn.livejournal.com]

This is an illuminating list. My usages are quite different -- as well as my feelings about friendship. I also note you don't list any "chosen family" relationships, whereas I tend to cast a lot of loving but nonsexual relationships in familial terms.

[serolynne.livejournal.com]

Add me to the list of folks for whom our languages are quite different. I think that one that most strongly stands out for me is your use of 'friends'. For me, 'friends' is a pretty high caliber of relationship and not a term I hand out easily. It's a description of a relationship that has proved over time to have a mutually vested interest in each other's lives to some extent.

[ka-crow.livejournal.com]

Two questions out of genuine interest:

1. I'm told that "tocotox" is a holdover from alt.poly. To me, it kind of sounds like a cosmetic injection into the forehead! Do you have a pointer to someplace where this term is more completely defined?

2. What about your sweeties' sweeties who aren't you, or, to use the alphabet-soup method, your SOs' OSOs? Is that a different category, or is that, to you, a type of quantum relationship?