jay | Toddler go splash-splash?

Time for more late-night personal contemplation... coming up this weekend is a large, community-wide social event (a clothing-optional poly pool party --PPP -- with 60-100 people) that seems to alternate for me between a delight and a disappointment (or worse). Last time was embarrassing. I'm already beginning to feel trepidation and slight stress about Saturday.

Contemplation of why some PPPs have been fun and others miserable has been worthwhile for me, but others may want to skip down their friends-lists.

Observation of toddlers (I have references) has shown that toddlers' seemingly-aimless wanderings have patterns... they typically explore, go out in a sweep or wander, then return periodically to their parent. Presumably for love and reassurance, before going out again. This pattern of circulate-then-check-in can be aborted if something particularly scary or stressful (a barking dog, say) appears, in which case the toddler returns to the caregiver for refuge or a respite from exploring. And the time length between check-ins varies between individuals.

There are parallels between this pattern and how I function at large social events, particularly when I don't know many of the other people and there's some degree of stress or activities that push emotional buttons. I have had a much better time when I've had an anchor, or date, or safety net, or whatever... even a partner who was there as someone else's date... than when I've been at these events alone.

If I feel lonely, or an outsider, or feel left out when I see groups of other people (or even friends of mine) happily snuggled and/or talking, I need a go-to person, someone that I can trust to accept and welcome me. Someone that will gladly give me a quick cuddle or reassurance if/whenever I need one. Then I feel less stressed, emotionally balanced, and more socially confident before venturing out again to explore... reassured, just like a toddler checking in with his parent before wandering away again. Not that I need to be babied or treated as a child per se -- that's not my fetish (grin) -- but I need a safety net in these situations, someone that I know will welcome and want me around. Someone with whom I have "interruption" privileges if I'm in an emotional crisis or a bad head-space, and with whom I can relax and touch casually without worrying about whether it's unwelcome.

So... returning to the PPP-specifics... when I've gone with someone, I've uniformly always had a good-to-great time, with typical event variability due to other factors. When I've gone stag, over half the time it's been a negative experience. If I start feeling isolated and left out, or questioning why anyone would want to talk to me, *and* I'm on my own, I'll tend to fall into a negative emotional spiral and withdraw, further isolating myself and feeding the spiral. Stag occasions that have worked have generally been either brief visits (less than an hour) or else I discovered I had a sweetie also in attendance (there with a different partner, but still open to me).

At cuddly events, it really helps to have someone there that one can cuddle ;-).

This weekend's outlook... patgreene says she isn't up to the crowd and noise, and my (now-ex) local partner won't be there, so I will presumably be going alone. There are several friends that I'd consider asking out, but that'd be presumptuous, given that I'm not even on hand-holding terms with most of them. So, I'm beginning to get stressed about Saturday... hopefully it will still be OK. Or I'll have enough sense to bail out this time rather than walk around the pool in my bathrobe, looking bereaved and withdrawn. I'm envious of people for whom these things are easy...