Toddler go splash-splash?

[jay]

Time for more late-night personal contemplation... coming up this weekend is a large, community-wide social event (a clothing-optional poly pool party --PPP -- with 60-100 people) that seems to alternate for me between a delight and a disappointment (or worse). Last time was embarrassing. I'm already beginning to feel trepidation and slight stress about Saturday.

Contemplation of why some PPPs have been fun and others miserable has been worthwhile for me, but others may want to skip down their friends-lists.

Observation of toddlers (I have references) has shown that toddlers' seemingly-aimless wanderings have patterns... they typically explore, go out in a sweep or wander, then return periodically to their parent. Presumably for love and reassurance, before going out again. This pattern of circulate-then-check-in can be aborted if something particularly scary or stressful (a barking dog, say) appears, in which case the toddler returns to the caregiver for refuge or a respite from exploring. And the time length between check-ins varies between individuals.

There are parallels between this pattern and how I function at large social events, particularly when I don't know many of the other people and there's some degree of stress or activities that push emotional buttons. I have had a much better time when I've had an anchor, or date, or safety net, or whatever... even a partner who was there as someone else's date... than when I've been at these events alone.

If I feel lonely, or an outsider, or feel left out when I see groups of other people (or even friends of mine) happily snuggled and/or talking, I need a go-to person, someone that I can trust to accept and welcome me. Someone that will gladly give me a quick cuddle or reassurance if/whenever I need one. Then I feel less stressed, emotionally balanced, and more socially confident before venturing out again to explore... reassured, just like a toddler checking in with his parent before wandering away again. Not that I need to be babied or treated as a child per se -- that's not my fetish (grin) -- but I need a safety net in these situations, someone that I know will welcome and want me around. Someone with whom I have "interruption" privileges if I'm in an emotional crisis or a bad head-space, and with whom I can relax and touch casually without worrying about whether it's unwelcome.

So... returning to the PPP-specifics... when I've gone with someone, I've uniformly always had a good-to-great time, with typical event variability due to other factors. When I've gone stag, over half the time it's been a negative experience. If I start feeling isolated and left out, or questioning why anyone would want to talk to me, *and* I'm on my own, I'll tend to fall into a negative emotional spiral and withdraw, further isolating myself and feeding the spiral. Stag occasions that have worked have generally been either brief visits (less than an hour) or else I discovered I had a sweetie also in attendance (there with a different partner, but still open to me).

At cuddly events, it really helps to have someone there that one can cuddle ;-).

This weekend's outlook... patgreene says she isn't up to the crowd and noise, and my (now-ex) local partner won't be there, so I will presumably be going alone. There are several friends that I'd consider asking out, but that'd be presumptuous, given that I'm not even on hand-holding terms with most of them. So, I'm beginning to get stressed about Saturday... hopefully it will still be OK. Or I'll have enough sense to bail out this time rather than walk around the pool in my bathrobe, looking bereaved and withdrawn. I'm envious of people for whom these things are easy...

Comments

[wordweaverlynn.livejournal.com]

I sympathize. I'm an introvert myself -- I hate noise, crowds, and parties where I don't know people. Over the years I've had to develop my own methods of dealing with them. Weirdly, I have no fear of public speaking, and I do well talking to strangers when I'm a speaker -- then I have a role, a purpose. And online of course is easy. It's 3D events that are difficult. And no, it doesn't matter if I have anyone there of my own. That isn't how my mind (or whatever it is) works. Sometimes I feel this way at gatherings of my own blood kin.

Although my issues seem to be somewhat different from yours, maybe I can offer some ideas. I've learned to take a small cross-stitch project as both a refuge/camouflage and a conversation-starter. As a kid I always took a book or five, and I still keep one stashed in the cross-stitch bag.

Is there something you can do that would serve to distract you and/or interest other people? At BDSM play parties, it's easy to meet others by discussing toys. I dunno about strictly poly events. The only ones I've been to are the South Bay Poly events, and that's a discussion group, an easy venue for me.

My ex-husband also taught me that the way to talk to strangers at parties was not to hang around on the fringes of a conversation group, but to go up to other people who are wandering around alone. Most people are not offended by someone saying "hello." (This amazed me.)


There are several friends that I'd consider asking out, but that'd be presumptuous, given that I'm not even on hand-holding terms with most of them.

Umm, do you have to take a partner? Why not a buddy? Maybe this is off-base, but I gather this is a pool party, not an orgy. (Not that there's anything wrong with orgies.) Maybe you can gather several friends who are in similar circumstances and have your own group-within-a-group.

Good luck. And remember, you don't actually have to go. Staying home with your wife, maybe watching a movie together, might also be nice.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the sympathy :-). I'm actually an extrovert, given Myers-Briggs and similar definitions. Irresistably drawn to crowds, noise, energy, and people... but I lack self-confidence and social skills. So I'm not introverted, per se, rather an incompetent/frustrated extrovert. Staying quietly at home is usually to be avoided, unless I'm talking to others on the phone or online.

I haven't found a good icebreaker at poly events...

I have no fear of public speaking

Seeble. Enjoyable, actually... weaving an audience in one's hands, getting a rush from the crowd response and attention...

do you have to take a partner? Why not a buddy?

It's not an orgy, or I wouldn't have been invited ;-). Although I suspect that similar dynamics would exist for me at those kinds of events (only more so!), if I attended one. As far as buddies go, they all have their own plans... and I don't have interruption-rights or touching-acceptance with them.

watching a movie together

Heh. You wouldn't have known this, but watching TV or movies at home is one of my least favorite activities... I'd rather clean the bathrooms! When I go out to a movie, it's more for the social setting (sharing an experience with lots of people) than for the movie itself...

[wordweaverlynn.livejournal.com]

Well, I did say we seem to have different issues.[wry G] Sorry I couldn't help.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

But thanks for the suggestions (smile).

[rosefox]

*puzzle* Why does the check-in person have to be a partner? Why not a good friend? I'm sure lots of your friends would be willing.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

The check-in person doesn't need to be a partner (there's no sex going on, after all)... but needs to be willing to "be there for me" emotionally and to be comfortable with, say, my coming up from behind and leaning my head on their shoulder. Both emotional and physical reassurance... partners are definitionally capable of those things.

Some good friends might be likewise... but any form of casual touch with friends generally requires prior negotiation. Likewise for approaching friends if they're busy... I only know for certain of two friends who have been willing in the past, and neither of them are likely to be at this given party. There might be others, but I don't know without asking them.

[rosefox]

So ask them, silly. *)

I wouldn't be okay with anyone coming up from behind me and laying zir head on my shoulder, partner or not, but that's because I hate being startled. Everyone's different.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

(nods) For example, I'd trust you with almost anything on the emotional side, but you've often stated that people should respect your boundaries and negotiate any touch on a per-occasion basis. Other friends are quite comfortable with my casually touching them (i.e., OK as a default), but I don't know them well enough (yet?) to be completely vulnerable around them in a crisis. As far as being able to cry on someone's shoulder in a pinch... it varies, as you said.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

For what it's worth, I think it's great that you've figured out what you need to be comfy at these things, and I wouldn't think you were unreasonable for making *having* what you need a condition of going.

(Also for what it's worth, if I'm ever around when you need a check-in person, I'm willing.)

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

great that you've figured out what you need to be comfy at these things

Thanks for that feedback... I've tried to be clear and as non-whiny as possible, while still getting the issue off-my-chest.

And thanks for the offer... I'll remember, if our paths cross at future events :-).

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Datapoint: it didn't read as whiny to me.

[7patches.livejournal.com]

I hope you have a good time if you go.
I will be a contra dance, hanging out with my NRE object.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Have fun at the dance, and with your new sweetie! :-)

[treacle-well.livejournal.com]

It might not work as well as having a partner or sweetie there, and it might not work at all, but maybe going with a friend would serve a similiar purpose--not just going and bumping into friends, but calling someone ahead of time and asking them to go with you. Then travel together or arrange to meet there at a specific time or something.

I'm an introvert but a lot of what you write above about party comfort and behavior could be true for me. I think I manage okay most of the time, but I feel better at large social things if there are people there whom I can do the kind of emotional "check-in" with, as you've mentioned above.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Sigh. You're right. I wish there was a friend between here and the party site that would be willing to go there with me, but none exist (who are going, and aren't already encumbered). It would feel much more grounded and relaxing for me... but that's life, I should have asked someone two weeks ago instead of trying to not think about the issue.

And thanks also for your data point :-).

[bdot.livejournal.com]

i am not going to the PPP this time for similar reasons... i am going to see charlies angels instead at a drive-in theater in san jose! it is another group thing....most of us poly. i like alternatives!

as for the PPP, you know the hosts and several others and i am sure they would be open to you floating in an ameoba with them! and if you need to retreat for a bit, might i suggest the couch in the living room rather than wandering the pool side in your bathrobe! that was my trick at the dreamland housewarming... i even brought a book!

try to have fun!

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

That sounds like fun... I'd actually been contemplating organizing a poly-night-at-the-drive-in... both a families-with-kids and an adult-rated version. We have a van, after all...

The couch might be highly useful... the hosts will be too busy running things to socialize much, I think, just like the HD folks were last weekend... besides, it may be too hot to soak for very long!

[princeofwands.livejournal.com]

I know that feeling. Despite any outward appearances of being totally at ease in party spaces I may have projected at the few times we've met in person - I'm pretty tentative around new people. Soaking in the local culture and norms; listening for social cues.

But, as another respondent noted earlier in the thread - a friendly hello goes a very long way in connecting with strangers at parties.

My particular, preferred method isn't so much in the initial passing hello/introduction that seems to happen along the line, but in the later casual twinkly eye-contact mouthing the word hello and slightly fey wave gesture that I am prone to. It's my "Hi. I see you over there, and I wanted to let you know that I was feeling connected to you." And sometimes I let their response drag me off from where I am to where they are, and sometimes I continue on flitting about through my own journey.

Good luck to you in finding comfort in your skin at these parties and gatherings, and if you see me flitting about and want to wander over and capture my attention, you are quite welcome to.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Given the past few weeks'observations, I would never have guessed... seriously, your outward appearance of ease and suavity, and the rapidity with which you've made new friends and connections had led me to consider yourself as a sort of counter-example. An unattainable standard of social competence, say. To the point that by my own internal self-comparison, I'd begun despairing of even trying anymore. So it's interesting to see you self-described as tentative around new people... hmm.

a friendly hello goes a very long way in connecting with strangers at parties

Ah, but what to do/say next... long empty pauses don't work well. Nor does "uh, so your name is (peers at necklace) Foo?"... ;-) Some of this is a lack of skills, some of it clearly self-esteem -- I don't feel like I have anything to offer that others would find interesting or attractive, and I tend to project that self-assessment.

later casual twinkly eye-contact

Ah, a trade secret! (grin) Although it would require internal indexing to remember who one had earlier greeted...

want to wander over and capture my attention, you are quite welcome to

Thanks, and even though we scarcely know each other, I'll accept that at face value :-).

[princeofwands.livejournal.com]

had led me to consider yourself as a sort of counter-example

It's practice, time, effort, comfort. Emphasis on practice and effort I think. It's a LOT of work to settle in with new people. Even the ones with whom I have immediate deep soulful connection. And I'm constantly concerned that my bouncy exuberant party-mode is in danger of trampling some of the more subtle people-space boundaries of new acquantances. But I've decided that it's an acceptable risk, because I'm much happier with the results of being bouncy and exuberant and into new peoples' space than I am with being cautious and on the fringe and not feeling particularly welcome/included/invited.

And so often I think, the difference between feeling a-part-of rather than apart-from is just stepping up and into the moment. (Easier said than done, I know. It was meant as an observation more than advice.)

Ah, but what to do/say next...

Smalltalk is regarded as a good tactic because it is. People in common? Other interests? Cool geekery? Meta topics such as discussing what one thinks makes a good [party/club/scene]... Or just continue flitting on. At parties where I know nearly nobody I'll wander about, near or into a conversation for a bit, and if I don't feel like I'm really getting into it, I'll wander off to someplace else, frequently hitting the same spots repeatedly as I just sorta flit along through the stream. Sometimes I hit on my lonely in a crowd thing at those kinds of experiences. *shrug*

even though we scarcely know each other

Yeah, everybody starts off as strangers. You know cool people. You travel to faraway places. You know neat things. We walk in a converging space. You're on my list of people to know better.

I volunteer... :-)

[runeshower.livejournal.com]

I'd be very comfortable having you periodically appear for hugs and such. In fact, I'll be disappointed if you don't.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

(from up-thread) neither of them are likely to be at this given party you were one of the two, but I thought you had childcare problems. Thanks! I'll plan to see you there :-).

[jemstone.livejournal.com]

I'm coming in to this very late, for a number of reasons, but if you'll let me, I'd like to make some comments.

I know of what you speak when you talk about needing a go-to person. It is my experience that I have very bad luck in this department. I'm not sure why, I just know that in circumstances when I thought I had such a person, in actual fact, I did not. It's very convoluted, I'm sure. I agree with you completely, though: It helps to have someone there. Even if you don't need them, just knowing that they're available makes all the difference in the world.

Never having gone (or for that matter been properly invited) to such an event as the PPP, I can't say much on the rest of it. But fwiw, I think you're spot on in your observations elsewise. Of course you are, they're about you and your head... I mean to say that they are a very accurate description of a thought process I've been trying to pin down, myself.

So, thank you. :)

-JEM