Toddler go splash-splash?

[jay]

Time for more late-night personal contemplation... coming up this weekend is a large, community-wide social event (a clothing-optional poly pool party --PPP -- with 60-100 people) that seems to alternate for me between a delight and a disappointment (or worse). Last time was embarrassing. I'm already beginning to feel trepidation and slight stress about Saturday.

Contemplation of why some PPPs have been fun and others miserable has been worthwhile for me, but others may want to skip down their friends-lists.

Observation of toddlers (I have references) has shown that toddlers' seemingly-aimless wanderings have patterns... they typically explore, go out in a sweep or wander, then return periodically to their parent. Presumably for love and reassurance, before going out again. This pattern of circulate-then-check-in can be aborted if something particularly scary or stressful (a barking dog, say) appears, in which case the toddler returns to the caregiver for refuge or a respite from exploring. And the time length between check-ins varies between individuals.

There are parallels between this pattern and how I function at large social events, particularly when I don't know many of the other people and there's some degree of stress or activities that push emotional buttons. I have had a much better time when I've had an anchor, or date, or safety net, or whatever... even a partner who was there as someone else's date... than when I've been at these events alone.

If I feel lonely, or an outsider, or feel left out when I see groups of other people (or even friends of mine) happily snuggled and/or talking, I need a go-to person, someone that I can trust to accept and welcome me. Someone that will gladly give me a quick cuddle or reassurance if/whenever I need one. Then I feel less stressed, emotionally balanced, and more socially confident before venturing out again to explore... reassured, just like a toddler checking in with his parent before wandering away again. Not that I need to be babied or treated as a child per se -- that's not my fetish (grin) -- but I need a safety net in these situations, someone that I know will welcome and want me around. Someone with whom I have "interruption" privileges if I'm in an emotional crisis or a bad head-space, and with whom I can relax and touch casually without worrying about whether it's unwelcome.

So... returning to the PPP-specifics... when I've gone with someone, I've uniformly always had a good-to-great time, with typical event variability due to other factors. When I've gone stag, over half the time it's been a negative experience. If I start feeling isolated and left out, or questioning why anyone would want to talk to me, *and* I'm on my own, I'll tend to fall into a negative emotional spiral and withdraw, further isolating myself and feeding the spiral. Stag occasions that have worked have generally been either brief visits (less than an hour) or else I discovered I had a sweetie also in attendance (there with a different partner, but still open to me).

At cuddly events, it really helps to have someone there that one can cuddle ;-).

This weekend's outlook... patgreene says she isn't up to the crowd and noise, and my (now-ex) local partner won't be there, so I will presumably be going alone. There are several friends that I'd consider asking out, but that'd be presumptuous, given that I'm not even on hand-holding terms with most of them. So, I'm beginning to get stressed about Saturday... hopefully it will still be OK. Or I'll have enough sense to bail out this time rather than walk around the pool in my bathrobe, looking bereaved and withdrawn. I'm envious of people for whom these things are easy...

Comments

[princeofwands.livejournal.com]

I know that feeling. Despite any outward appearances of being totally at ease in party spaces I may have projected at the few times we've met in person - I'm pretty tentative around new people. Soaking in the local culture and norms; listening for social cues.

But, as another respondent noted earlier in the thread - a friendly hello goes a very long way in connecting with strangers at parties.

My particular, preferred method isn't so much in the initial passing hello/introduction that seems to happen along the line, but in the later casual twinkly eye-contact mouthing the word hello and slightly fey wave gesture that I am prone to. It's my "Hi. I see you over there, and I wanted to let you know that I was feeling connected to you." And sometimes I let their response drag me off from where I am to where they are, and sometimes I continue on flitting about through my own journey.

Good luck to you in finding comfort in your skin at these parties and gatherings, and if you see me flitting about and want to wander over and capture my attention, you are quite welcome to.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Given the past few weeks'observations, I would never have guessed... seriously, your outward appearance of ease and suavity, and the rapidity with which you've made new friends and connections had led me to consider yourself as a sort of counter-example. An unattainable standard of social competence, say. To the point that by my own internal self-comparison, I'd begun despairing of even trying anymore. So it's interesting to see you self-described as tentative around new people... hmm.

a friendly hello goes a very long way in connecting with strangers at parties

Ah, but what to do/say next... long empty pauses don't work well. Nor does "uh, so your name is (peers at necklace) Foo?"... ;-) Some of this is a lack of skills, some of it clearly self-esteem -- I don't feel like I have anything to offer that others would find interesting or attractive, and I tend to project that self-assessment.

later casual twinkly eye-contact

Ah, a trade secret! (grin) Although it would require internal indexing to remember who one had earlier greeted...

want to wander over and capture my attention, you are quite welcome to

Thanks, and even though we scarcely know each other, I'll accept that at face value :-).

[princeofwands.livejournal.com]

had led me to consider yourself as a sort of counter-example

It's practice, time, effort, comfort. Emphasis on practice and effort I think. It's a LOT of work to settle in with new people. Even the ones with whom I have immediate deep soulful connection. And I'm constantly concerned that my bouncy exuberant party-mode is in danger of trampling some of the more subtle people-space boundaries of new acquantances. But I've decided that it's an acceptable risk, because I'm much happier with the results of being bouncy and exuberant and into new peoples' space than I am with being cautious and on the fringe and not feeling particularly welcome/included/invited.

And so often I think, the difference between feeling a-part-of rather than apart-from is just stepping up and into the moment. (Easier said than done, I know. It was meant as an observation more than advice.)

Ah, but what to do/say next...

Smalltalk is regarded as a good tactic because it is. People in common? Other interests? Cool geekery? Meta topics such as discussing what one thinks makes a good [party/club/scene]... Or just continue flitting on. At parties where I know nearly nobody I'll wander about, near or into a conversation for a bit, and if I don't feel like I'm really getting into it, I'll wander off to someplace else, frequently hitting the same spots repeatedly as I just sorta flit along through the stream. Sometimes I hit on my lonely in a crowd thing at those kinds of experiences. *shrug*

even though we scarcely know each other

Yeah, everybody starts off as strangers. You know cool people. You travel to faraway places. You know neat things. We walk in a converging space. You're on my list of people to know better.