comment on symbolism in relationships
Sep. 11th, 2003 01:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jayDredged up from a conversation still going on in a month-old entry of mine...
[quote frombikerscum:]
Why does it devalue to you a sincere offer to babysit if you know that similar offers are made to others?
(grin) it doesn't! That's not my context. My context is: if offers to babysit are made to others, but not to me, then *I'm* devalued (not the offer) with respect to whatever set of others, in the network of the person making the babysitting offers. In a connectionist sense, my link-weighting estimate is reduced.
If the given person makes babysitting offers to a stranger-with-kids he's just met, but I'm supposedly a close friend of his and he's never offered (or refused my past request), then my estimation of the value of my friendship in that person's eyes is placed lower than that of someone he's just met -- i.e., practically zero.
In a third-grade context... (grin)
If mommy gives all the other kids a cookie but won't give me one, that means that she must love all of them more than me... If she gives one to the new kid that just moved in down the street, but not to me, then she must not love me at all, because she doesn't love the new kid at all (and I'm even less important that he is, because he gets a cookie and I don't).
That's over-simplified, but how I feel about symbolism... especially for publicly-displayed things. The "cookie" may be unimportant in itself, but as a token it conveys information about the state of a given friendship or relationship.
[quote from
bikerscum:]Why does it devalue to you a sincere offer to babysit if you know that similar offers are made to others?
(grin) it doesn't! That's not my context. My context is: if offers to babysit are made to others, but not to me, then *I'm* devalued (not the offer) with respect to whatever set of others, in the network of the person making the babysitting offers. In a connectionist sense, my link-weighting estimate is reduced.
If the given person makes babysitting offers to a stranger-with-kids he's just met, but I'm supposedly a close friend of his and he's never offered (or refused my past request), then my estimation of the value of my friendship in that person's eyes is placed lower than that of someone he's just met -- i.e., practically zero.
In a third-grade context... (grin)
If mommy gives all the other kids a cookie but won't give me one, that means that she must love all of them more than me... If she gives one to the new kid that just moved in down the street, but not to me, then she must not love me at all, because she doesn't love the new kid at all (and I'm even less important that he is, because he gets a cookie and I don't).
That's over-simplified, but how I feel about symbolism... especially for publicly-displayed things. The "cookie" may be unimportant in itself, but as a token it conveys information about the state of a given friendship or relationship.
no subject
Date: 2003-09-11 06:08 pm (UTC)There are friends for whom I will babysit, and friends for whom I will not. That says nothing about how much I value the friendship - it usually has much more to do with how consonant our parenting practices are, and how appropriate my home is for babysitting their children in particular.
I'm much more likely to offer to watch a 6-year-old than a toddler, simply because our home is much better suited to that without major changes, and my personal activity restrictions aren't going to be as much of a problem with a 6-year-old.
I assume that others have their own standards, and don't try to make any judgments about their decisions without actually discussing the reasons behind them if I really feel that it's important.
no subject
Date: 2003-09-13 06:39 pm (UTC)