Intensity

[jay]

I should be working on my launch vehicle automation recommendations... or even catching up on e-mail or LJ entries. But I'm just too annoyed and cranky right now. So those things will have to wait.


A close friend (who shall remain nameless, and who is not on LiveJournal) has a side business with a large trade show coming up this weekend. Before a show, this person (K) tends to get edgy and tense, and can come across as harsh or unfeeling. I sent an e-mail recently to the effect of "(pout), sorry I won't get to see you for a couple of weeks, but good luck" and got blistered in return. I am being called on it because my expressing regret at zir's busyness or absence makes zir feel guilty or uncomfortable. Zir is asking me to do a better job of hiding my feelings in the future, at least any that might make zir uncomfortable "being totally emotionally honest at all times is NOT always the best policy." And I wasn't even trying to put a guilt trip on zir, but to express mild regret -- actually, is it more positive or negative to tell someone, "good luck, and I'll miss you"? Better to simply not acknowledge, as though one wouldn't notice zir's absence at all? I need to figure out what K really wants.

As things are, I routinely try to tailor my emotional response around K to match K's daily cues -- distant if K seems distant, closer and more affectionate if K acts closer. Trying to stay within K's level of comfort for the friendship, whatever that is today. Not what I actually feel at any given encounter, but projecting whatever emotional facade that K seems to want from me. Not that this is unique, I tend to do this to some extent in all of my friendships and relationships. Otherwise I doubt that most friends would stay around.

Possibly because unfettered, I come off as too intense and focussed. At least that's what K says. Zie says that I drive people off by being too intense, pushing to be too close too quickly, which sets off others' defense reactions. Which actually correlates with my setting up filters and only letting out as much intensity as I think that friendship or relationship can handle at a given time. Sometimes I over-or under-shoot, and things get awkward.

Comments

[sinboy.livejournal.com]

Someone in that crappy a mood, IME, dosn't really want something, so no matter what you say, or don't say, you'll say it wrong.

[mittelbar.livejournal.com]

I think that someone who reacts to what you say you said by telling you you need to turn down your emotions may be a lovely person but is not who you want to listen to when calibrationg your normal behavior. That is what I think.

2 cents and more

[greeklady.livejournal.com]

I think anyone who will not accept your affections with open arms is a fool. I have a few choice words for that person too.

Saying that, I know there are certain times where I will be in a mood where nothing can be said correctly to me. This may be that time for this person. Let them be and let it roll off your back.

That being said, I think I know the situation. Don't let it stress you out.

[elynne.livejournal.com]

I don't make/retain friendships easily with people who I feel I need to constantly be on alert around. If I can't be comfortable with somebody, then I usually don't want them around me that much. At least, in order to maintain a friendship, I need to find some level of equilibrium. But That's Just Me.

Do you often feel that you need to be on eggshells with your other friends of similar closeness? Or does K seem to be more explodey than other people? I strongly suspect, as has been mentioned, that calibrating your emotional/interpersonal settings by a person who is touchier than most is not the best idea.

Uh... have to go; violetvixen is being eaten by a dress pattern. :P