Non-sexual reasons for event gender balance

[jay]

Recently, a local mailing list has been discussing workshops and events requiring secrecy about goings-on. HAI workshops have been often cited, although there have been others. Thread-drift has taken it into a debate on gender-balancing, with the practice being questioned -- or at least regarded as a het meet-market provision rather than something germane to dealing with emotional intimacy. I have perfectly valid reasons for requiring gender-balance that have nothing to do with finding new relationships...



I've been watching this discussion for awhile. I can think of a perfectly valid reason for workshops like HAI to look for gender balance without it becoming a het "meet-market" or play-party. And I'm being serious here, not trying to joke or push anyone's buttons, and bullying or flaming responses will be duly ignored.

In my own experience, it is vastly easier to open up to the opposite gender. Testosterone and aggressive tendencies make a difference, apart from the plumbing. (And in a clothing-optional environment, I wouldn't feel comfortable being up-close to same-gender plumbing, either.) I personally find women to be much safer for emotional intimacy exercises, activities that make myself vulnerable. A workshop involving love and intimacy issues that was, say, 2/3 male would be an instant no-go on my part. Not because of slim pick-up prospects, but because it would be hard for me to find trustworthy exercise partners (and hence the purpose of the workshop would be negated, and a waste of time and money).

I view all males as competitors and potential threats. Neutral at best. I feel that any sign of weakness shown to the a member of the same gender is likely to be used against me, or reduce my status in his eyes. I view women as colleagues and cooperative, potentially supportive, possibly friendly, and only hostile when demonstrated by their actions. Undoubtedly this stems from childhood experiences (gangs of boys routinely physically beat me up, while girls stood by... and older boys sexually molested me, early on) but the level of visceral mistrust of other males is sufficiently strong that even trying to work on these issues with other males has not been possible for me, therapy-wise or otherwise. (And I've tried.)

A big reason why I haven't tried a HAI Level 1 isn't the gender balance -- which I'd see as essential for emotional safety -- but that I've heard that there are exercises involving same-gender emotional intimacy, and that scares me. Ironically, considering that this thread began with discussions of the advisability of event-secrecy.

I'm taking a risk by revealing this much personal stuff in a public forum, but I thought that it was relevant to non-sexual motivations for looking for gender balance at events. Attempts to use the above to mock or humiliate me will be tossed in the bit-bucket (especially from members of the same gender ;-).

Comments

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

No kidding. I haven't either, at least in that venue! The one thing that makes me think it's quite possibly very good is the positive slant related to me by someone I care for. His experiences were good, he felt it was very useful and a growth experience, he continues to be involved in it, and he's a decent human being whom I respect.

On the other hand, he's male, not nearly as genderfucked as I am, and yeah, he did meet a sexual partner there. When deciding whether it would be good for me, I must realize that I don't have (or, in the latter case, expect or want) those things on my own balance sheet.

[raddy.livejournal.com]

My first experience of a postop MtF was via HAI. I can't speak much to HAI demographics at present, but around '88 to '91 the diversity there well beyond the average Bay area population. The HAI environment is safe enough, for me, that was been able to open up and explore my own fem side, poly-ness, feelings about other XYs, non-sexual insecurities, etc, etc. Without HAI I would surely have wandered into polyamory, and probably bdsm, as they feel deeply natural to me, but I doubt I would ever have come to identify as queer, found pleasure in dating trannies, or developed the respect I have for sex workers. Someone else could easily do HAI stuff without any growth in these areas - for me it was very much a create-your-own-workshop experience. In my first workshop I cried for the first time since teenage-times. YMMV.