Non-sexual reasons for event gender balance

[jay]

Recently, a local mailing list has been discussing workshops and events requiring secrecy about goings-on. HAI workshops have been often cited, although there have been others. Thread-drift has taken it into a debate on gender-balancing, with the practice being questioned -- or at least regarded as a het meet-market provision rather than something germane to dealing with emotional intimacy. I have perfectly valid reasons for requiring gender-balance that have nothing to do with finding new relationships...



I've been watching this discussion for awhile. I can think of a perfectly valid reason for workshops like HAI to look for gender balance without it becoming a het "meet-market" or play-party. And I'm being serious here, not trying to joke or push anyone's buttons, and bullying or flaming responses will be duly ignored.

In my own experience, it is vastly easier to open up to the opposite gender. Testosterone and aggressive tendencies make a difference, apart from the plumbing. (And in a clothing-optional environment, I wouldn't feel comfortable being up-close to same-gender plumbing, either.) I personally find women to be much safer for emotional intimacy exercises, activities that make myself vulnerable. A workshop involving love and intimacy issues that was, say, 2/3 male would be an instant no-go on my part. Not because of slim pick-up prospects, but because it would be hard for me to find trustworthy exercise partners (and hence the purpose of the workshop would be negated, and a waste of time and money).

I view all males as competitors and potential threats. Neutral at best. I feel that any sign of weakness shown to the a member of the same gender is likely to be used against me, or reduce my status in his eyes. I view women as colleagues and cooperative, potentially supportive, possibly friendly, and only hostile when demonstrated by their actions. Undoubtedly this stems from childhood experiences (gangs of boys routinely physically beat me up, while girls stood by... and older boys sexually molested me, early on) but the level of visceral mistrust of other males is sufficiently strong that even trying to work on these issues with other males has not been possible for me, therapy-wise or otherwise. (And I've tried.)

A big reason why I haven't tried a HAI Level 1 isn't the gender balance -- which I'd see as essential for emotional safety -- but that I've heard that there are exercises involving same-gender emotional intimacy, and that scares me. Ironically, considering that this thread began with discussions of the advisability of event-secrecy.

I'm taking a risk by revealing this much personal stuff in a public forum, but I thought that it was relevant to non-sexual motivations for looking for gender balance at events. Attempts to use the above to mock or humiliate me will be tossed in the bit-bucket (especially from members of the same gender ;-).

Comments

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

Personally, I haven't heard a single thing about HAI that makes me want to attend.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

No kidding. I haven't either, at least in that venue! The one thing that makes me think it's quite possibly very good is the positive slant related to me by someone I care for. His experiences were good, he felt it was very useful and a growth experience, he continues to be involved in it, and he's a decent human being whom I respect.

On the other hand, he's male, not nearly as genderfucked as I am, and yeah, he did meet a sexual partner there. When deciding whether it would be good for me, I must realize that I don't have (or, in the latter case, expect or want) those things on my own balance sheet.

[raddy.livejournal.com]

My first experience of a postop MtF was via HAI. I can't speak much to HAI demographics at present, but around '88 to '91 the diversity there well beyond the average Bay area population. The HAI environment is safe enough, for me, that was been able to open up and explore my own fem side, poly-ness, feelings about other XYs, non-sexual insecurities, etc, etc. Without HAI I would surely have wandered into polyamory, and probably bdsm, as they feel deeply natural to me, but I doubt I would ever have come to identify as queer, found pleasure in dating trannies, or developed the respect I have for sex workers. Someone else could easily do HAI stuff without any growth in these areas - for me it was very much a create-your-own-workshop experience. In my first workshop I cried for the first time since teenage-times. YMMV.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

I've heard lots of glowing personal recommendations, a few tepid-to-negative, but little attractive about the workshop itself. Other than rumors, like the male-male exercises.

[kokoro43.livejournal.com]

Well, you can add me to one of the "glowing personal recommendations". Attending the HAI level 1 workshop was unquestionably the best thing I ever did for myself (except maybe being born). Among other things, I have learned how to relate better to women, to men, and to myself. It's given me insight into intimacy and emotions that I didn't have before. It has opened up my life to the kind of love and acceptance that I didn't even know that I could dream about having.

Up until that recent thread, I hadn't really thought about the reasons for needing gender balance in the workshops, it just seemed so "right" while in them. Partly it may be that I went from the "what is this HAI thing you're talking about?" to attending my level 1 in under 2 weeks... I had just been dumped in a very bad way by who I thought was the love of my life and my only chance for a relationship. Level 1 did more than get me out of my funk, it showed me that there was more to life and love than I had thought possible.

In my experience, women benefit from the gender balance at least as much as men do. And for neither does it have to do with mate selection. While they (HAI) understand that most people (who take the workshops, anyway) are hetero, there is no exclusion of gay, lesbian, bi, or trans-gendered people. They are most definitely included. The point is that most (all?) people relate differently to each gender (even if it is an unconscious difference), and so you are given the opportunity to see how you relate, and change how you relate if you want to. I found it challenging, and very, very powerful and enlightening.

BTW, what's going on in this thread, and the one on the mailing list is precisely why HAI requests secrecy about the exercises -- people hear rumors about what goes on, and because of the story in their head about it, which is completely out of context, they fear what is going to happen, and the fear keeps them from being able to get what they might otherwise get from the exercise, or the whole workshop if the fear is pervasive enough. Though the primary reason for secrecy is out of respect for the privacy of the participants (among other reasons, just like there are places/people that many poly people may not feel comfortable being "out" to, there are people who may have legitimate reasons for not wanting to be "outed" about having taken a personal growth workshop...). It is difficult to believe, having not experienced it, how absolutley _safe_ you feel doing even scary things in the workshop (in this context, "scary things" are really just oppotunities for growth). For me, it's taken a while, but I'm learning how to take that safety with me.

If you want to make your own opinion from your own experience, go to an intro night, it's cheaper than a movie (free, that is). See the HAI web page (http://www.hai.org/) for dates and locations.

HAI isn't for everyone. But for me, right now, it is definitely the right thing

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

the opportunity to see how you relate, and change how you relate if you want to.

Or at least being conscious of those differences. I'd argue that my relational differences were seared in by sufficient trauma that they would require more than a 30-min exercise to undo... detect, perhaps.

I suppose that the workshop would be safe at a fundamental level -- no one would be likely to attack me physically -- and I could always choose to skip the uncomfortable parts.

I went to a day-long PTI once, so I have a little basis for personal opinion.

Thanks for weighing in, and I'm glad that it has had strongly-positive effects for you :-).

[kokoro43.livejournal.com]

For me -- and for the people that I've talked to about it -- it felt very emotionally safe. That doesn't happen all at once, it takes a while, longer than you have in a PTI for many/most people in a Level 1 workshop. That's one reason that it's a weekend (full 48 hours) long.

And detection _is_ the first step, probably the biggest one. If you don't know what is going on (even with yourself), then you get constantly blind-sided by unconscious behaviors and beliefs. Once detected (and acknowleged), then you can decide what , if anything, to do about it.

I know something about that "relational stuff seared in". And you're right -- it takes more than a 30-minute exercise to do anything about it. I haven't run into anybody who claims that real personal growth can be done in an instant (though "AHAs" about issues may indeed come in an instant -- but it takes time and work to do something about it). I've been doing HAI for more than 2 years now. I've found a lot of (relational and other emotional) stuff that was so deeply buried that it's taken that long to find it and "dig it out" and start to work on it. At times, personal growth can feel like a full-time job -- too bad you can't get paid for doing it! Though for me it certainly does pay off, though you do have to think of it as an investment.

And thanks, Brian, for going to the PTI to check things out for yourself.