Reflections on validation needs
Or, why I went about dragging myself into an ongoing local social feud, since last spring... but this is not an attempt to reopen those several lines of discussion. This is a note for myself, for future reference when I find myself slipping back into a susceptible state. It is difficult to discuss, and embarrassing.
One comment at the time by![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
firecat stuck meme-like in my head, through the summer. I've lost the link, but it was posted in a community somewhere... something along the lines of it being common to see people trying to manipulate others for their advantage, but perplexing to see someone so intent on manipulating others for his disadvantage. At the time, I shrugged it off as more snarkiness from the nebulous other side.
About a month ago, I suddenly came to the realization that she had been correct... and with more contemplation, I realized why I'd been motivated towards apparently self-destructive behaviors. When I'm depressed, or overly stressed, I'm highly self-critical. Sometimes that self-criticism comes out in my writing, although I've done better lately about filtering it. I didn't start the local cliqueishness or feuding, the current episode started in mid-2002. What I did was to drag myself into it -- looking for validation of my self-criticism, and hence of my view of reality. A control issue.
In other words, if I think I'm an unworthy schmuck, but friends tell me otherwise, there's a conflict in views of what's real about myself. One way of reassuring myself that I'm still well-grounded and in control is to find corroborating evidence. And there existed a small-c community of individuals who were easily prodded into giving me that evidence... all it took was an outrageous statement or two, or simply taking an unpopular stance in a public forum, and lots of people were happy to tell me what an unworthy schmuck I was. Thereby validating my internal models of myself. Hence there was a gain for me in so doing.
There are perhaps analogues with other power games, or roleplaying... someone volunteering to be punished because they've been a bad boy, say... but out in a public forum, there is no safeword, no way to extract oneself when the piling-on becomes unbearable. So, apart from the ethics involved in nonconsensual manipulation, this is not a practical validation approach, either.
The manipulation is/was still offensive... I can't defend that. But I can remind myself of what my motivations were, in order to intercept those in the future, or be aware of which states of mind are likely to be susceptible. And remind myself to let go of the need to be right, even right about my self-views. So far, it has worked... twice this fall I've pulled back from posting things after questioning my motives. But it will require vigilance, and probably help from friends if it seems like I'm backsliding.
And other actions... first and foremost, personal apologies to those who were nearest-and-dearest at those times, or were caught up as collateral damage.patgreene, dawnd, geekchick immediately come to mind. I have talked to all of them personally. And while it is probably too late to ever be on friendly terms with some of the people on the other side, given their own behaviors, I want to try to bridge-build a bit, and reestablish contact with those folks who weren't particularly nasty to me at the time.
And no, I'm not a worthless schmuck, either, and this isn't an exercise in self-flagellation. Or grovelling, either. I suppose it is another [expletive] growth experience, perhaps. I'm too competent and capable otherwise to keep sabotaging myself in this fashion.
One comment at the time by
firecat stuck meme-like in my head, through the summer. I've lost the link, but it was posted in a community somewhere... something along the lines of it being common to see people trying to manipulate others for their advantage, but perplexing to see someone so intent on manipulating others for his disadvantage. At the time, I shrugged it off as more snarkiness from the nebulous other side. About a month ago, I suddenly came to the realization that she had been correct... and with more contemplation, I realized why I'd been motivated towards apparently self-destructive behaviors. When I'm depressed, or overly stressed, I'm highly self-critical. Sometimes that self-criticism comes out in my writing, although I've done better lately about filtering it. I didn't start the local cliqueishness or feuding, the current episode started in mid-2002. What I did was to drag myself into it -- looking for validation of my self-criticism, and hence of my view of reality. A control issue.
In other words, if I think I'm an unworthy schmuck, but friends tell me otherwise, there's a conflict in views of what's real about myself. One way of reassuring myself that I'm still well-grounded and in control is to find corroborating evidence. And there existed a small-c community of individuals who were easily prodded into giving me that evidence... all it took was an outrageous statement or two, or simply taking an unpopular stance in a public forum, and lots of people were happy to tell me what an unworthy schmuck I was. Thereby validating my internal models of myself. Hence there was a gain for me in so doing.
There are perhaps analogues with other power games, or roleplaying... someone volunteering to be punished because they've been a bad boy, say... but out in a public forum, there is no safeword, no way to extract oneself when the piling-on becomes unbearable. So, apart from the ethics involved in nonconsensual manipulation, this is not a practical validation approach, either.
The manipulation is/was still offensive... I can't defend that. But I can remind myself of what my motivations were, in order to intercept those in the future, or be aware of which states of mind are likely to be susceptible. And remind myself to let go of the need to be right, even right about my self-views. So far, it has worked... twice this fall I've pulled back from posting things after questioning my motives. But it will require vigilance, and probably help from friends if it seems like I'm backsliding.
And other actions... first and foremost, personal apologies to those who were nearest-and-dearest at those times, or were caught up as collateral damage.
patgreene, dawnd, geekchick immediately come to mind. I have talked to all of them personally. And while it is probably too late to ever be on friendly terms with some of the people on the other side, given their own behaviors, I want to try to bridge-build a bit, and reestablish contact with those folks who weren't particularly nasty to me at the time. And no, I'm not a worthless schmuck, either, and this isn't an exercise in self-flagellation. Or grovelling, either. I suppose it is another [expletive] growth experience, perhaps. I'm too competent and capable otherwise to keep sabotaging myself in this fashion.
Re: good insights
It's still not all about you, Brian. ;^)
While I appreciate the sentiment of feeling bad about "dragging me into it," it's probably mostly misplaced. Although I certainly didn't know the full background (seeing as how I haven't read that list for, oh, about 6 years), otherwise I walked into it with my eyes open. My actions in posting that thing in
But I TOTALLY agree that had the original feeback been less inflammatory, it would have been far more likely that you would have "gotten it" sooner. Unvarnished truth, wielded as a weapon, makes a particularly poor learning vehicle. I try to take that into account whenever I feel the urge these days to level some particularly juicy sarcasm at someone--It's more likely to make someone defensive and to close their ears than to educate them.
Re: good insights