Pushing boundaries

[jay]

My local parish has theoretically accepted me, as a poly person... but it appears that there are limits to their acceptance. There are a large number of governing board (vestry) vacancies this year. I served once before, about 6 years ago, so thought I'd offer my services again -- both to contribute something, and also because there was a handpicked slate that exactly matched the number of vacancies. I view rubber-stamp elections as undemocratic and bad for the long-term health of a given organization. So I put my name in over the weekend as a candidate.

I just received a phone call, trying to strongly discourage me from doing so because my "lifestyle choices are inappropriate for someone in a visible leadership role in our parish." Welcome to second-class-citizenship, eh? That, and one of the existing slate candidates will only stand in a noncompetitive election "because she doesn't want anyone's feelings to be hurt by losing." I've lost four previous vestry elections, no big deal for me. Other candidates belong to small study groups, or donate larger %s of their income, but those aren't official requirements.

In the bylaws, there are no grounds for preventing me from standing... unless the rector officially deems me not in good standing, but he'd have to document why and in writing. Not whispers. I'm tired of buying into my own invisibility in that body... either I'm loved and accepted as a full part, or not. I'm still an OK person, whether or not they can accept my "lifestyle choices."

Comments

[vokzal.livejournal.com]

Go! Fight! Win!

*insert log quote here* ;>

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

The first two, at least... I've lost the last four times I've run ;-).

[elorie.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'd run and if they said anything, make an issue of it. Because, as you say, either you're a member, or you aren't, but marginalizing you is Not OK.

You don't have to be all belligerent about it either, which I grok is not your style. Just sort of firm.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Right... they could say I'm not in good standing, but then would they have to deny me communion and write a letter to the bishop explaining the reasons for their action. And the bishop is a lame-duck, and might enjoy taking a stance...

If I'm a member, I can run. If not, I can't. But I don't have to conspire in my own marginalization!

[bdot.livejournal.com]

yet the wife of someone who is poly can be very visible in a parish leadership role.... i find this um, well, amusing in a way. too bad i am no longer down there...i could run with you and then we could have two poly folks on vestry!!!

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

That's a complicated situation... you'd need to talk with patgreene. But I'd happily see you on the vestry, if you were still down here :). We have LGBT folks on vestry (even the senior warden!), but I suppose that poly folks are even harder to welcome...

[curiousangel.livejournal.com]

I'd say run. I wouldn't recommend an in-your-face "poly awareness/acceptance" campaign, or raising a tremendous stink if you lose, but neither one seems like your style. You have just as much right to be part of the vestry as anyone else, though.

As a member of the Board of Trustees of our church, I think it's a good way for other viewpoints to be heard when matters concerning the congregation come up. An example: I was willing to speak up when our "Social Action Clearinghouse" tried to pass a resolution in the name of the church that I didn't agree with, and I was able to convince the rest of the Board that we shouldn't speak for others without their informed consent. I think that you'll do a good job of making sure that your views get heard, and in making sure that the vestry will keep its proceedings open to the congregation as a whole.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

In the highly-unlikely event that I actually was elected, I'd be happy and capable of serving -- had done so, a few years ago. And made the first significant overhaul of the by-laws in 20 years. But that was before I was widely out, poly-wise. Now... election seems unlikely, even if I'm allowed to stand. But being last out of eight candidates is OK. Even if I'm publicly derided at the annual meeting, it is still OK...

I'm happy that your congregation wisely has chosen to make use of your talents on its board! (smile)

[dancing-star.livejournal.com]

Your part of the church in good standing from what you've said, I'd run, it's likely you won't win, but you might. I wonder if it's not more that they are afraid you'd upset the balance. It's wrong to step back because of an aspect of your life. Good Luck

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I think I'd upset their pre-screened appointed slate... which would be good, because the vestry is supposed to be a check on the power of the clergy (it sets their salaries, for example).

[dancing-star.livejournal.com]

ahhh I don't understand why they bother with elections if they alreayd have a pre-perfered group. Good Luck!

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

Who is trying to discourage you from running? It sounds like you'd be emotionally okay if you lost, so I'd go for it. (If losing would shred you, I'd recommend caution.)

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

The assistant rector called me today... initially, to tell me that the staff thought it better that I not run. When I said that I planned to go ahead, she told me to expect a call from the rector.

I've lost before... I'm emotionally OK with losing, as simply standing (and thereby making it a real election, and not disenfranchising the congregation) would be a victory.

BTW, I got the old maps! Most are 70s road maps, some are older, and there are some beautiful National Geographic maps to at least the 1940s...

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

Cool!

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

I got them mostly for you... when would you be willing to sit down and divide the spoils? (smile)

[vokzal.livejournal.com]

Have you talked to enf about maps? How do you store your maps?

And yes, you should run. Full speed ahead. Maybe prepare a short speech/arguements for anything the rector might say when calling. Point out that you served before, and nothing has changed since then.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Maps? Mostly in a drawer, nothing special. And the rector has yet to call me, a day later...

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

I'm battling a real arthritis flare, but I'll probably have time/energy after this coming weekend.

[geekchick]

When I said that I planned to go ahead, she told me to expect a call from the rector.

I don't think they know you particularly well if they think that telling you not to do something is going to have the effect they intend. ;)

I hope you'll tell the rector the same thing, assuming you're going to stand because you actively want to serve the parish and not because someone's telling you not to.

[patgreene.livejournal.com]

No, the associate preist does not know him at all well. The rector knows him better, so I would be somewhat surprised to have him say something about it. (My hunch is that K, the rector, would be much more likely to say "He's not going to get elected anyway, so what's the worry?") I suspect the real driving force behind this is the person who stated that she would not stand for vestry if it were a contested election because she didn't want anyone to have hurt feelings if they lost. To my mind, that attitude should make her not a good vestry candidate to begin with -- being a vestry member often means taking positions on things.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

A certain bloody-mindedness, eh? You'd know... ;-).

I've felt uninvolved for a few years there, and have held myself back... this is an attempt to re-engage that community, as well as trying to make it a real election.

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

Cool!

[who-is-she.livejournal.com]

hugs to you.
I know you'll do the right thing.
:)

[firecat]

Grr on them. I really don't like it when religious organizations encourage that kind of hypocrisy and closeting.

[cyan-blue.livejournal.com]

I hope you do continue to run for this position! Good for you, for being visible.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the encouragement :).

[frankenboob.livejournal.com]

I don't understand why *lifestyle choices* should interfere... unless, of course, you bring Pat and a girlfriend to the Christmas Party. :) I don't think people are going to find out about the poly lifestyle and rush out to get a girl/boyfriend. Unless, of course, it's a lifestyle that appeals to them.

It's a slippery slope... I mean, why stop here. What other lifestyle choices can we examine? I have no doubt that the other candidates have their own *issues*. I can think of a few right off the top of my head.

I neither support or condemn your *lifestyle choices*... but care about you as an individual. I'm sorry that there isn't better communication/understanding between you & the clergy. I've got a lot more to say about this... but will quit now.