Must learn to be more selfish... maybe

[jay]

I was pressed by our couples therapist last night... she went after patgreene on staying-sick-to-draw-Brian's-attention, but spent a half hour challenging me on my focus. Which is external... around home, my motivations are "what's my duty and obligations? What can I do to help, or to fulfill the needs of Pat and the boys? What do they want me to do, or be?" I'm not there because I'm having fun or because I want to be there for myself, I'm being there to serve them. Even when they (or at least, Pat) doesn't want to be caretaken.

I was asked, point-blank, "what do you like? What would be enjoyable and fun for you? First in-general, and then later fun-with them-specifically?" Instead of viewing home as just another worksite... I often dread weekends because of the lack of anything to do, or accomplish. Nothing to fix, except home-improvement.

I don't know what I enjoy. What my preferences are. After 20 years of being focussed on fixing and supporting others, it is hard to look in the mirror.

Pressed again by the therapist, I had to admit that I just didn't think in hedonistic terms. Self-pleasure is far, far down on my priorities, other than some abstract things like sense-of-accomplishment. "Try to become like a 7-year-old and go play in the mud... can you let go, and do that? Just being in the moment, not looking ahead to the muddy laundry?"

I seem to have to justify everything in terms of either its benefit to others, or of avoiding future problems (like working out to stay fit... skating is rationalized similarly) and hence avoiding dependencies. I can't bring myself to be selfish -- not in the sense of doing something just for fun, just because I like it or it feels good. *Especially* not if that requires asking anything of others, thereby inconveniencing them or potentially owing them debts.

I've been willing to nominally serve others' needs, in order to maintain the surplus of emotional capital that gives me control over my own life. To ask, to owe a favor, is to be vulnerable and lose control. For me, it requires a huge amount of trust in the other person(s) and in their perceived competency, to be willing to accept gifts or assistance. Arguably, by not sharing myself on equal terms, I'm being selfish on some deeper level...

Comments

[mnfiddledragon.livejournal.com]

this is going to sound kind of weird, but you "suffer" (bad term, I can't think of a better one) from PTSD? The reason I ask, is that you could have been describing me. And when I used to see a counselor, that care-giver/control mentality is a characteristic of people with PTSD - because in being the care-giver - and in being fiercely independant - and by putting yourself last, you are putting yourself in a position of feeling like you're in control.

For me putting myself last goes even farther back - in my case I spent years listening to my parents tell me that I wasn't good enough - of a daughter, of a friend, of a family member - that I only thought of myself and no one else. So I worked very very very hard at making sure that others came first. I didn't understand that I was only proving them more and more right with every effort I made at putting others first *chuckle* - but then where do you draw the line?

I *like* making others feel good - I *like* thinking of others first. But I also like feeling good myself - I like people surprising *me* for a change - doing something for me without me having to ask...but asking for that, well...it's a vicious cycle!

I don't really have much a point in this response other than to share thoughts since you got me thinking ;)

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

I've had that diagnosis tossed around, in the past... there were periods of past physical and sexual abuse between the ages of 8-13. But it isn't agreed whether the -SD manifests, or how strongly. The course of therapy recently started may shed more light, but I'm not tied to any particular diagnosis or outcome.

Still, that care-giver/control correlation is thought-provoking for me, as I hadn't seen that linked to PTSD before. Maybe others (past therapists?) have.

Then in your case, having that response amplified by your parents' pressure... ouch. But you're right, sometimes working hard at putting others first... IMO almost borders on arrogance.

I like people surprising *me* for a change - doing something for me without me having to ask...but asking for that, well...it's a vicious cycle!

Amen. It is joyous when it happens, almost overwhelms my defenses! But it almost never happens. One must actually ask for things... so it doesn't occur. Surprising me... heh, I've never had a birthday party, let alone any other surprises. Despite dropping the occasional broad hints to patgreene...

And thanks for sharing these thoughts, they've redirected mine somewhat.