Must learn to be more selfish... maybe
Apr. 9th, 2004 09:29 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jayI was pressed by our couples therapist last night... she went after patgreene on staying-sick-to-draw-Brian's-attention, but spent a half hour challenging me on my focus. Which is external... around home, my motivations are "what's my duty and obligations? What can I do to help, or to fulfill the needs of Pat and the boys? What do they want me to do, or be?" I'm not there because I'm having fun or because I want to be there for myself, I'm being there to serve them. Even when they (or at least, Pat) doesn't want to be caretaken.
I was asked, point-blank, "what do you like? What would be enjoyable and fun for you? First in-general, and then later fun-with them-specifically?" Instead of viewing home as just another worksite... I often dread weekends because of the lack of anything to do, or accomplish. Nothing to fix, except home-improvement.
I don't know what I enjoy. What my preferences are. After 20 years of being focussed on fixing and supporting others, it is hard to look in the mirror.
Pressed again by the therapist, I had to admit that I just didn't think in hedonistic terms. Self-pleasure is far, far down on my priorities, other than some abstract things like sense-of-accomplishment. "Try to become like a 7-year-old and go play in the mud... can you let go, and do that? Just being in the moment, not looking ahead to the muddy laundry?"
I seem to have to justify everything in terms of either its benefit to others, or of avoiding future problems (like working out to stay fit... skating is rationalized similarly) and hence avoiding dependencies. I can't bring myself to be selfish -- not in the sense of doing something just for fun, just because I like it or it feels good. *Especially* not if that requires asking anything of others, thereby inconveniencing them or potentially owing them debts.
I've been willing to nominally serve others' needs, in order to maintain the surplus of emotional capital that gives me control over my own life. To ask, to owe a favor, is to be vulnerable and lose control. For me, it requires a huge amount of trust in the other person(s) and in their perceived competency, to be willing to accept gifts or assistance. Arguably, by not sharing myself on equal terms, I'm being selfish on some deeper level...
patgreene on staying-sick-to-draw-Brian's-attention, but spent a half hour challenging me on my focus. Which is external... around home, my motivations are "what's my duty and obligations? What can I do to help, or to fulfill the needs of Pat and the boys? What do they want me to do, or be?" I'm not there because I'm having fun or because I want to be there for myself, I'm being there to serve them. Even when they (or at least, Pat) doesn't want to be caretaken. I was asked, point-blank, "what do you like? What would be enjoyable and fun for you? First in-general, and then later fun-with them-specifically?" Instead of viewing home as just another worksite... I often dread weekends because of the lack of anything to do, or accomplish. Nothing to fix, except home-improvement.
I don't know what I enjoy. What my preferences are. After 20 years of being focussed on fixing and supporting others, it is hard to look in the mirror.
Pressed again by the therapist, I had to admit that I just didn't think in hedonistic terms. Self-pleasure is far, far down on my priorities, other than some abstract things like sense-of-accomplishment. "Try to become like a 7-year-old and go play in the mud... can you let go, and do that? Just being in the moment, not looking ahead to the muddy laundry?"
I seem to have to justify everything in terms of either its benefit to others, or of avoiding future problems (like working out to stay fit... skating is rationalized similarly) and hence avoiding dependencies. I can't bring myself to be selfish -- not in the sense of doing something just for fun, just because I like it or it feels good. *Especially* not if that requires asking anything of others, thereby inconveniencing them or potentially owing them debts.
I've been willing to nominally serve others' needs, in order to maintain the surplus of emotional capital that gives me control over my own life. To ask, to owe a favor, is to be vulnerable and lose control. For me, it requires a huge amount of trust in the other person(s) and in their perceived competency, to be willing to accept gifts or assistance. Arguably, by not sharing myself on equal terms, I'm being selfish on some deeper level...
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-04-10 01:04 am (UTC)Still, that care-giver/control correlation is thought-provoking for me, as I hadn't seen that linked to PTSD before. Maybe others (past therapists?) have.
Then in your case, having that response amplified by your parents' pressure... ouch. But you're right, sometimes working hard at putting others first... IMO almost borders on arrogance.
I like people surprising *me* for a change - doing something for me without me having to ask...but asking for that, well...it's a vicious cycle!
Amen. It is joyous when it happens, almost overwhelms my defenses! But it almost never happens. One must actually ask for things... so it doesn't occur. Surprising me... heh, I've never had a birthday party, let alone any other surprises. Despite dropping the occasional broad hints to
And thanks for sharing these thoughts, they've redirected mine somewhat.