my backsliding, exclusion of others?

[jay]

On the one hand, I don't feel like I'm inherently unworthy and unlovable as result of Wednesday night, so that's an improvement over the past. But I have still blown it... I promised myself a month ago to stop looking for external reassurement or validation, and therefore I should not have let the absence of such affect me at all. Grr. As soon as I needed a shoulder, off I went. (shakes head) This is going to be harder than I could have imagined.

Thanks to both dawnd at lunch and p3aches tonight for their friendly reality-check inputs. :)

One thing that popped up in a comment in someone else's journal... about people feeling excluded. I try to not say "no" to requests unless core health or safety issues are at stake for me... not merely for my wants or convenience. I initially thought "of course I haven't excluded anyone", but the idea has been wriggling memelike since then, finally seeding a small doubt.

No one has ever told me that they've felt excluded by me... if anyone has, I hope that they'd tell me so, either by comment or email, as well as my behaviors at the time. Otherwise, I'm going to assume that I'm in the clear on that issue...

Comments

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Isn't that like the textbook definition of co-dependency?

From an online medical dictionary: "A relational pattern in which a person attempts to derive a sense of purpose through relationships with others."

I don't think that quite fits... honoring external obligations, promises made to others, as "derive a sense of purpose"? Then the fulfillment of any promise made between two people could be argued to be likewise, it seems to me.

do you consider the ways in which others may feel disappointed when you say yes to a request?

Not unless I already have a conflicting agreement with others, in place. Otherwise, I'm not responsible for uninvolved third-parties' reactions to a given request made to me. In the DHP example, I had no prior agreement with mertuil, no request that she had made of me herself. Therefore when agreeing to help a friend instead of attending the party, I felt I had broached no obligation to the party attendees (including mertuil, who by all accounts had a better time anyway than if I'd been there ;).

So in short, for me saying "no" to anyone is hard, but "yes" is generally easy.

Do you see how that is a self propagating cycle?

If I understand you... it is that my requests are only made under considerable need or distress, hence are loaded with significance. Others will shrink at assuming that obligation to me and tend to refuse out of hand, thereby reinforcing my convictions that everyone else is unreliable and unsupportive, as well as reinforcing that I should ask even *less* often.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

(shakes groggy head) er, breached...