one step forward, one back

[jay]

I'm self-peeved, after yesterday... not because of work (got four proposal abstracts done and sent off) or home (Kevin's Little League, then two diffferent school Open House nights in sequence (saw Kevin's art exhibit and David's science fair project))... but I backslid in a social setting. Did not ask well, was awash in personal body-image issues, was timid and hesitant, shrank into a fetal position in a hot tub to avoid accidentally brushing against anyone (caretaking everyone there...). I don't know why I feel so... untouchable, or unworthy of affection at the moment. But I'm annoyed at myself -- the week had been going very well, otherwise. Must just try again.

Comments

[who-is-she.livejournal.com]

progress has it's ups and downs.
You are ok.
You are totally fine.
You are aware of what happened, and you are assessing what you need to think about, change, consider. That is all good.

I'll be intrigued to hear what you find out when you think more about what was going on for you, why you shrank away.

I mean.. sometimes we shrink away becuase we are truly not feeling comfortable or safe with the situation. You can listen to your gut, and extend yourself accordingly.

Be gentle with yourself... that would be my wish for you.
(hugs)

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Hmm... I was already tired when I arrived, it has been a long week. Then I was in the hot tub and noticed several highly-physically-attractive folks in there with me, and began feeling out-classed. I started pulling in, literally wrapping arms and legs around me, and became tenser. No one noticed this, fortunately. Two of the people began quietly making out on the other side... I didn't know them at all, so I got up and went indoors. There, I hovered, despite protestations to the contrary, still trying to regain my self-assurance. I needed a hug and a bit of attention, but was frozen -- couldn't jumpstart myself by myself, but also found it very hard to ask while in that emotional space. Then the two pretty people from the hot tub came indoors and resumed being intertwined on the floor adjacent to where I had been sitting, eating ginger cheesecake and wearing a towel. I clenched again, felt way too intimidated (I was by comparison too ugly, too boring, etc. internal scripts) to get any closer to karenbynight or sarahh (friends who were sitting next to me on the other side), and finally bailed-out, got dressed and headed home. The couple on the other side were oblivious, completely under the comforter by then (heh...).

However, all was not lost cuddle-wise, as I was surprised and lured into a trap before I escaped for home ;-).

[p3aches.livejournal.com]

Lots of hugs. Sometimes change feels uncomfortable. small steps, and small time periods where you are more who you want to be and you will eventually be that person more of the time.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I need both practice, and some way to regain my self-confidence in social situations, once having lost it for some reason. Otherwise, I'm fine unless I hit a rough patch... after which, I'll tend to bit-flip, going into a negative internal spiral unless I can flip it back before it goes too far.