Inclusion vs. safety

[jay]

Pondering my recent reactions to a couple of events... it occurs to me one reason why I have strong emotions around inclusion/exclusion... whether in online discussions (paranoia about being filtered out of things) or real-life (conversations or social events). It goes back to the schoolyard... for a five-year period, conversations that I wasn't a part of had a way of leading to getting physically attacked, or other highly-unpleasant experiences. Later, it automatically meant that I was being laughed at or derided as weird in some way.

Activities and conversations where I was part of the dialogue or activity... were safe. So I joined a lot of student organizations in HS, broadening my social network there. Likewise at MIT. Driven in part by subconscious safety needs.

Behavior that looks rather paranoid as an adult, or hyper-sensitivity to not being part of some activity or conversation, once were driven by reality... but nowadays my friends are unlikely to be planning something harsh or humiliating in my absence. Or thinking about me at all. So I am going to let go of some of these reflexive reactions...

Comments

paranoia about being filtered out of things

[p3aches.livejournal.com]

Two things come to mind.
1. People have a right to choose what they share with you and what they don't. What folks choose not to share is about their choice and their feelings not about you. For me personally when folks choose not to share something with me I chalk it up to that person feeling like its private or very personal. I tend to feel really good about what people do choose to share because they could have chosen not to at any time. For me it makes what people do share all the more valuable/ meaningful.

2. I frequently spend lots of time not in contact at every moment with friends, not sharing every thought or feeling that crosses my mind. That does not mean that my friends do not come to mind frequently, or that I am thinking unhealthy things about them. What it does mean is, I think there is a flow to how much time I benefit from being occupied with things about friends and being occupied with things in my own life. When I am overly occupied with things going on in my friend’s lives, it makes me wonder, “What am I avoiding in my own life?”

many hugs T

Re: paranoia about being filtered out of things

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

In (1)... I tend to share most everything with my friends, varying mostly in the level of detail given. That's my choice. If I'm open and my friend is less open about their life, or is actively keeping secrets from me... that is their choice. I can either choose to share less with them until we are equally opaque to each other, or accept the imbalance (and feel periodically wary around them).

In (2)... I certainly don't spend lots and lots of time dwelling on things in my friends lives -- that I'm not also involved in somehow.