Inclusion vs. safety

[jay]

Pondering my recent reactions to a couple of events... it occurs to me one reason why I have strong emotions around inclusion/exclusion... whether in online discussions (paranoia about being filtered out of things) or real-life (conversations or social events). It goes back to the schoolyard... for a five-year period, conversations that I wasn't a part of had a way of leading to getting physically attacked, or other highly-unpleasant experiences. Later, it automatically meant that I was being laughed at or derided as weird in some way.

Activities and conversations where I was part of the dialogue or activity... were safe. So I joined a lot of student organizations in HS, broadening my social network there. Likewise at MIT. Driven in part by subconscious safety needs.

Behavior that looks rather paranoid as an adult, or hyper-sensitivity to not being part of some activity or conversation, once were driven by reality... but nowadays my friends are unlikely to be planning something harsh or humiliating in my absence. Or thinking about me at all. So I am going to let go of some of these reflexive reactions...

Comments

[geekchick]

nowadays my friends are unlikely to be planning something harsh or humiliating in my absence. Or thinking about me at all.

You're correct on the first part, not so much on the second.

[mhw.livejournal.com]

my friends are unlikely to be planning something harsh or humiliating in my absence

Correct. Friends don't behave like that. I can't speak for you, but for me trust is a huge component of friendship. Pretty much by definition, my friends are the people that I can, and do, trust.

paranoia about being filtered out of things

[p3aches.livejournal.com]

Two things come to mind.
1. People have a right to choose what they share with you and what they don't. What folks choose not to share is about their choice and their feelings not about you. For me personally when folks choose not to share something with me I chalk it up to that person feeling like its private or very personal. I tend to feel really good about what people do choose to share because they could have chosen not to at any time. For me it makes what people do share all the more valuable/ meaningful.

2. I frequently spend lots of time not in contact at every moment with friends, not sharing every thought or feeling that crosses my mind. That does not mean that my friends do not come to mind frequently, or that I am thinking unhealthy things about them. What it does mean is, I think there is a flow to how much time I benefit from being occupied with things about friends and being occupied with things in my own life. When I am overly occupied with things going on in my friend’s lives, it makes me wonder, “What am I avoiding in my own life?”

many hugs T

[knkdyke.livejournal.com]

This sounds a lot like some of the "stuff" I'm dealing with right now. After a 2 year battle about polyamory, my partner finally agreed to give it a try, and then we realized that our ideas of polyamory were very different.

My ideal poly situation has always been a sort of combination of inclusive model with primary/secondary recognition. I'm not sure if that makes sense.

It seems that she was thinking in terms of a much more exclusive model, where she gets something "just for her" and I get something "just for me". As it turns out, I have some really serious issues with that.

It has become apparent that I have some big issues with an exclusive model, ranging from safety concerns very much like yours, to a childhood feeling of being constantly "left out, ignored and unwanted", to a basic belief in inclusivity as a spiritual model.

I'm working on some of those issues now, though I'm not sure that working on them is going to change my basic beliefs.

[sinboy.livejournal.com]

If you need help with the letting go aspect, and want to talk about it, let me know.

[frankenboob.livejournal.com]

One of the hardest things to do in life is to let go of the mental crap from childhood/peers/primary school. Looking at the jackasses in my kids schools & equating them to the jackasses I went to school with, I realize that I let them have too much power over me. And it also makes me wonder why some children are allowed to get away with some pretty damaging stuff. They are not *just being boys* or girls or kids or whatever. They are being destructive, on many levels. OKay... off my soapbox. It's 1 p.m. and I haven't made breakfast yet. Oops.

Anyway... please remind yourself, Jay, that you are around people who CHOOSE to be around you... not only that, they WANT to be in your life. I know that Pat would not purposely hurt you in any manner. I hope you know that too.

Happy early Father's Day. :)

[hopeforyou.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you had to go through so many negative experiences as a child. I can see where having people discuss or partially discuss events you aren't invited to or privvy to instill a sense of paranoia in you that those discussions are about you or preparation to attack you. Those schoolyard bullies were just that, though -- schoolyard bullies. They weren't your friends, and they weren't the community at large.

If they continued their rather violent and antisocial behaviour, chances are they later went on to be hooked on drugs, incarcerated, and bagging groceries in the local 7-11. Either that or they became politicians. But I digress...

You're not in school anymore unless you want to be. In school, you didn't get a choice as to who you would surround yourself with and what people you wanted to interact with. Today, grounding yourself in the present and being responsible for your own choices: You have the freedom to choose to spend time around people you trust and relax in the knowledge that any decision made to not invite you does not mean people you trust are destined to beat you up.

One thing I've noticed is that I've seen you get protective of others when they express to you that they have felt left out or excluded from some experience or event. A number of times I know it has happened with me when I've expressed disappointment or hurt over it -- and when that happens, often it seems as if you get more upset over my lack of inclusion than I myself do.

Not everyone feels left out or excluded for the same reasons, and if there is anyone making the decision to exclude me, it's possible they aren't doing it for the same reasons your childhood tormentors had for leaving you out.

In fact, a number of times I have asked other people to invite me to sex parties but not expect me to attend. I might change my mind at some point. But I excluded myself because I decided I wasn't comfortable at them at the time. To the outside observer, it may have looked like I wasn't invited. I was invited, I just decided not to go.

I just wanted to point that observation out, because it's been on my mind lately but hadn't really solidified until you posted this entry.

[firecat]

I really like the stuff you've been writing lately.

[kai-ta-loipa.livejournal.com]

This kind of reaction is a difficult one to let go of, but also a brave one to attempt. I wish I could come up with something comfortable or insightful to say... but I hope you're able to do this. You seem far too well-loved to have worries like this.

[griffen.livejournal.com]

Behavior that looks rather paranoid as an adult, or hyper-sensitivity to not being part of some activity or conversation, once were driven by reality

Which is, of course, the foundation for any coping mechanism that has failed to work. It was created at a time when it *did* work. But it's like trying to put on your gym shorts from seventh grade before going to work out at the adult gym - you, the world, or both have outgrown the need for it, so it hurts instead of helping.

Good insight. Oh, and what geekchick said in the first comment. I agree absolutely.