Inclusion vs. safety

[jay]

Pondering my recent reactions to a couple of events... it occurs to me one reason why I have strong emotions around inclusion/exclusion... whether in online discussions (paranoia about being filtered out of things) or real-life (conversations or social events). It goes back to the schoolyard... for a five-year period, conversations that I wasn't a part of had a way of leading to getting physically attacked, or other highly-unpleasant experiences. Later, it automatically meant that I was being laughed at or derided as weird in some way.

Activities and conversations where I was part of the dialogue or activity... were safe. So I joined a lot of student organizations in HS, broadening my social network there. Likewise at MIT. Driven in part by subconscious safety needs.

Behavior that looks rather paranoid as an adult, or hyper-sensitivity to not being part of some activity or conversation, once were driven by reality... but nowadays my friends are unlikely to be planning something harsh or humiliating in my absence. Or thinking about me at all. So I am going to let go of some of these reflexive reactions...

Comments

[knkdyke.livejournal.com]

This sounds a lot like some of the "stuff" I'm dealing with right now. After a 2 year battle about polyamory, my partner finally agreed to give it a try, and then we realized that our ideas of polyamory were very different.

My ideal poly situation has always been a sort of combination of inclusive model with primary/secondary recognition. I'm not sure if that makes sense.

It seems that she was thinking in terms of a much more exclusive model, where she gets something "just for her" and I get something "just for me". As it turns out, I have some really serious issues with that.

It has become apparent that I have some big issues with an exclusive model, ranging from safety concerns very much like yours, to a childhood feeling of being constantly "left out, ignored and unwanted", to a basic belief in inclusivity as a spiritual model.

I'm working on some of those issues now, though I'm not sure that working on them is going to change my basic beliefs.

[hopeforyou.livejournal.com]

The question I have on something like this is, well, are those big issues really issues, per se, or do you just view poly differently and how you view it is okay?

From my perspective, making choices out of fear or insecurity wouldn't be a place I'd want to start out from. But I think having inclusivity as a spiritual model makes sense, and has its own reasons that can be positive.

I guess what I'm saying is that I hope you find out what you really want and it's healthy and good for you -- and don't end up changing what works for you to how your partner views polyamory for the wrong reasons.

[knkdyke.livejournal.com]

Briefly, the biggest issues are not how we "view" polyamory, but how we wanted to practice it. It was very difficult for me to see her view, and her plan, and incorporate it with mine. I tried to change my view, and consent to her way of doing things, but it just didn't work for me. It didn't *feel* right. I went back and forth, feeling like a hypocrite and a fraud, spiralling down into turmoil, before I finally broke, bringing everything to a screeching halt.

At the beginning of this ... umm.... transitional phase, I believe that I was making pronouncements and decisions based on fear and insecurity. The problem was, I wasn't even sure where those fears and insecurities were coming from. I was terribly afraid of being left out, ignored, unwanted and unwelcomed, and ultimately abandoned.

In a very short time, a lot of things have become clearer to me. Some of this included a recalled memory that I didn't even know was there. I have a much better view of my own insecurities and where they come from now than I did before.

Knowing them, however, doesn't cure them. I know that someday I will be "past" my issues, but right now I need to acknowledge them and respect my own limits, just as I would respect the limits of others. That's very important to me right now.

I am determined to figure out what works for me, and also try to make room for what my partner needs and wants out of a relationship. Ultimately, there may come a time when I have to decide whether what works for me and what works for her can be done together at all. If that time comes, I'm prepared to make that decision, but I am not prepared to abandon my spiritual principles in a compromise.

Wow... I just wrote a short novel in response to this, and instantly clarified a lot of what was rolling around in my head. I want to thank you, so much, for giving me the opportunity to do that, simply by questioning and offering your perspective.

I think that what I wrote is better suited to my own journal than as a response. Please, feel free to check my journal for it. It's not quite finished yet, but when it is, I will make it a public post.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

I prefer inclusivity strongly over overlapping exclusivities as spiritual and social models. Decoupled models... fail to recognize network interconnectedness, I feel.

[knkdyke.livejournal.com]

I agree completely... and since "interconnectedness" is what I'm really going for in a poly relationship, it seems counterproductive to undermine it.