Inclusion vs. safety

[jay]

Pondering my recent reactions to a couple of events... it occurs to me one reason why I have strong emotions around inclusion/exclusion... whether in online discussions (paranoia about being filtered out of things) or real-life (conversations or social events). It goes back to the schoolyard... for a five-year period, conversations that I wasn't a part of had a way of leading to getting physically attacked, or other highly-unpleasant experiences. Later, it automatically meant that I was being laughed at or derided as weird in some way.

Activities and conversations where I was part of the dialogue or activity... were safe. So I joined a lot of student organizations in HS, broadening my social network there. Likewise at MIT. Driven in part by subconscious safety needs.

Behavior that looks rather paranoid as an adult, or hyper-sensitivity to not being part of some activity or conversation, once were driven by reality... but nowadays my friends are unlikely to be planning something harsh or humiliating in my absence. Or thinking about me at all. So I am going to let go of some of these reflexive reactions...

Comments

[frankenboob.livejournal.com]

One of the hardest things to do in life is to let go of the mental crap from childhood/peers/primary school. Looking at the jackasses in my kids schools & equating them to the jackasses I went to school with, I realize that I let them have too much power over me. And it also makes me wonder why some children are allowed to get away with some pretty damaging stuff. They are not *just being boys* or girls or kids or whatever. They are being destructive, on many levels. OKay... off my soapbox. It's 1 p.m. and I haven't made breakfast yet. Oops.

Anyway... please remind yourself, Jay, that you are around people who CHOOSE to be around you... not only that, they WANT to be in your life. I know that Pat would not purposely hurt you in any manner. I hope you know that too.

Happy early Father's Day. :)

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Pat has hurt me before, even recently, so it is not unreasonable for it to happen again... other people around me also hurt me. Some very recently. I can't assume anything, really.

[frankenboob.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you've been hurt. I'm also sorry that Pat has been hurt. I'm glad you're both getting help & hope for the best for the both of you.