Inclusion vs. safety

[jay]

Pondering my recent reactions to a couple of events... it occurs to me one reason why I have strong emotions around inclusion/exclusion... whether in online discussions (paranoia about being filtered out of things) or real-life (conversations or social events). It goes back to the schoolyard... for a five-year period, conversations that I wasn't a part of had a way of leading to getting physically attacked, or other highly-unpleasant experiences. Later, it automatically meant that I was being laughed at or derided as weird in some way.

Activities and conversations where I was part of the dialogue or activity... were safe. So I joined a lot of student organizations in HS, broadening my social network there. Likewise at MIT. Driven in part by subconscious safety needs.

Behavior that looks rather paranoid as an adult, or hyper-sensitivity to not being part of some activity or conversation, once were driven by reality... but nowadays my friends are unlikely to be planning something harsh or humiliating in my absence. Or thinking about me at all. So I am going to let go of some of these reflexive reactions...

Comments

[hopeforyou.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you had to go through so many negative experiences as a child. I can see where having people discuss or partially discuss events you aren't invited to or privvy to instill a sense of paranoia in you that those discussions are about you or preparation to attack you. Those schoolyard bullies were just that, though -- schoolyard bullies. They weren't your friends, and they weren't the community at large.

If they continued their rather violent and antisocial behaviour, chances are they later went on to be hooked on drugs, incarcerated, and bagging groceries in the local 7-11. Either that or they became politicians. But I digress...

You're not in school anymore unless you want to be. In school, you didn't get a choice as to who you would surround yourself with and what people you wanted to interact with. Today, grounding yourself in the present and being responsible for your own choices: You have the freedom to choose to spend time around people you trust and relax in the knowledge that any decision made to not invite you does not mean people you trust are destined to beat you up.

One thing I've noticed is that I've seen you get protective of others when they express to you that they have felt left out or excluded from some experience or event. A number of times I know it has happened with me when I've expressed disappointment or hurt over it -- and when that happens, often it seems as if you get more upset over my lack of inclusion than I myself do.

Not everyone feels left out or excluded for the same reasons, and if there is anyone making the decision to exclude me, it's possible they aren't doing it for the same reasons your childhood tormentors had for leaving you out.

In fact, a number of times I have asked other people to invite me to sex parties but not expect me to attend. I might change my mind at some point. But I excluded myself because I decided I wasn't comfortable at them at the time. To the outside observer, it may have looked like I wasn't invited. I was invited, I just decided not to go.

I just wanted to point that observation out, because it's been on my mind lately but hadn't really solidified until you posted this entry.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

That's true... seeing others around me excluded triggers a protective response. Not quite as much as being jointly confronted by a mugger, say, but similar. "How dare they do that to [friend]?" is a frequent part of my internal dialogue, one that I actually share much less often than it occurs. But I do tend to associate social selectivity *of any sort* as the flip side of abuse, either emotional or (improbably) physical.