Inclusion vs. safety

[jay]

Pondering my recent reactions to a couple of events... it occurs to me one reason why I have strong emotions around inclusion/exclusion... whether in online discussions (paranoia about being filtered out of things) or real-life (conversations or social events). It goes back to the schoolyard... for a five-year period, conversations that I wasn't a part of had a way of leading to getting physically attacked, or other highly-unpleasant experiences. Later, it automatically meant that I was being laughed at or derided as weird in some way.

Activities and conversations where I was part of the dialogue or activity... were safe. So I joined a lot of student organizations in HS, broadening my social network there. Likewise at MIT. Driven in part by subconscious safety needs.

Behavior that looks rather paranoid as an adult, or hyper-sensitivity to not being part of some activity or conversation, once were driven by reality... but nowadays my friends are unlikely to be planning something harsh or humiliating in my absence. Or thinking about me at all. So I am going to let go of some of these reflexive reactions...

Comments

[mhw.livejournal.com]

my friends are unlikely to be planning something harsh or humiliating in my absence

Correct. Friends don't behave like that. I can't speak for you, but for me trust is a huge component of friendship. Pretty much by definition, my friends are the people that I can, and do, trust.

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

Yup. My real friends tend to shower me with goodness, whether it's to my face or behind my back. Brian's friends are no less real.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

I have no reason to think that my friends ever shower me with *anything* behind my back, except perhaps frustration...

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

I know -- and I have no idea whether it's wilful ignorance, actual blindess to what's around you, or something else entirely.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

I have, unfortunately, lots of history of seeming-friends turning on me as soon as it was advantageous to them, socially or otherwise. Another long-term response... so while I'll generally trust my friends, there's always a tiny element wary of betrayal.