Is jealousy rational?

[jay]

dawnd and akienm are holding a local workshop on jealousy issues, tonight, so I thought I'd toss out a few contemplations...

Jealousy, particularly in polyamorous settings and groups, seems to me to be an attribute that no one wants to admit... the closest thing to labelling a "bad" emotion. But it is commonplace, IMO... and possibly rational.



Suppose A has an existing long-term relationship with B, and then B begins developing a new interest in C. Assume that A,B, and C are all reasonably busy people with other career and relationship commitments filling out their respective schedules, so there isn't lots of slack available. Love may be infinite, but time and energy are finite resources. Reasonably, A can expect that B's new energy and time going into developing a relationship (or friendship) with C will come from somewhere -- probably drawn from several places, including the relationship between A--B. Unless A is secretly looking to withdraw from or dump B, A will see this reduced time and energy from B as a loss, with a concomitant gain for C.

At the same time, A loses in other ways. Any emotional instability or drama or other fallout between B and C will ripple outward, and some of it find its way from B--A, increasing A's emotional support burden to B. And if there is sexual contact involved between B and C, then there's additional overheads -- tracking C's sexual history, current test results, risks posed by other partners. And A's net STD risk goes up overall, without A having any additional benefit or fun themselves.

And if A and B are together in a household with merged finances, B's pursuit of C may actually cost A something... plus there are second-order effects like B's vacation time being used with C and then not available for the annual holiday with A, etc.

So, in a new relationship of friendship between B and C... they each gain a new experience with each other, a new connection, shared likes and activities, NRE, perhaps ongoing love and support from each other.

But, rationally, what's in it for A? A would seem to be a identifiable loser from the new connection between B--C, therefore jealousy would be a rational response on A's part. And A would be justified in not supporting the B--C connection.

A's network would see one of its linkages (between A--B) reduced in energy and strength, especially for the first year or so during NRE, if that happens. The only gains that I can see are if C brings something positive to A's network... making B happier or relieving A of the burden of going clothes-shopping with B, say. Or if adding C adds resources (season tickets? social connections? different viewpoints?) to the local area network. Or perhaps, given a poly network, if C develops some connection to A as well.

So... I'm open to being convinced otherwise, but I could see jealousy as a frequent-but-rational response. For poly people, I view it as a kind of dues-paying... gritting one's teeth and letting one's partners go, in exchange for the right to do likewise if one so chose. A given net loss, balanced by one's own possible future net gains in new relationships and friendships.

Someone's willingness to try poly might then balance on the magnitude of the loss(es) vs. that person's probability of finding other connections themselves. Not that there isn't lots of cause for jealousy in the mainstream -- looks at daytime TV -- but with more-frequent, ongoing connections, I think that poly is particularly jealousy-provoking, potentially. Hence the socialized "jealousy is bad" response in poly circles...

Comments

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Nothing in my own experience resembles this...

[geekchick]

Well, from your perspective you're far too busy stressing about all the things your partner's new partner is going to take away from you to see anything else, so of course you can't relate to this.

And from the other side, I think you're just not paying quite enough attention. I can't speak for your other partners, but it made me happy to see how happy you were when you got involved with your most recent partner. (I wasn't thrilled about it originally, but that had everything to do with circumstances and absolutely nothing to do with the people involved.) I didn't feel it took anything at all away from my relationship with you, and it made you happy. What's not to like about that?

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

As long as you didn't feel like it took anything away from your relationship, then nothing's lost and some happiness and/or connectivity is gained. That makes sense to me.

There's still arguments # 9 and 14 -- the total numbers increasing and more STD exposure -- but those are issues in which I'm probably much more cautious than yourself.

[geekchick]

Well, yes. It took nothing away from me, and I gained exposure to a neat person I might not have met otherwise. Between that and it making you happy, it was a definite net win.

Really, though, what was I going to lose? Our AIM/phone time was not decreased any further than it had been, and it's not like we had an allotment of in-person date nights cut in half because you added someone else into a finite amount of free time. Effectively, it had no harmful impact on me at all.

And yes, on those latter two topics you and I tend to differ in how stressed out we get by such things.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Hmmm... I'm going to dig myself in deeper and comment that the level it had been depends on what time period is used as a reference... fall 2002? February? June? I had my own issues about all that, which aren't your problem because I intentionally did not raise them (not wanting to seem pushy or demanding). A new relationship here then became a sort of safety-valve... in some sense, a benefit to you, because I wasn't then trying to press for more of your own time and attention than you were willing to give. Or holding back from asking ;).