Is jealousy rational?
Oct. 18th, 2004 08:35 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jaydawnd and akienm are holding a local workshop on jealousy issues, tonight, so I thought I'd toss out a few contemplations...Jealousy, particularly in polyamorous settings and groups, seems to me to be an attribute that no one wants to admit... the closest thing to labelling a "bad" emotion. But it is commonplace, IMO... and possibly rational.
Suppose A has an existing long-term relationship with B, and then B begins developing a new interest in C. Assume that A,B, and C are all reasonably busy people with other career and relationship commitments filling out their respective schedules, so there isn't lots of slack available. Love may be infinite, but time and energy are finite resources. Reasonably, A can expect that B's new energy and time going into developing a relationship (or friendship) with C will come from somewhere -- probably drawn from several places, including the relationship between A--B. Unless A is secretly looking to withdraw from or dump B, A will see this reduced time and energy from B as a loss, with a concomitant gain for C.
At the same time, A loses in other ways. Any emotional instability or drama or other fallout between B and C will ripple outward, and some of it find its way from B--A, increasing A's emotional support burden to B. And if there is sexual contact involved between B and C, then there's additional overheads -- tracking C's sexual history, current test results, risks posed by other partners. And A's net STD risk goes up overall, without A having any additional benefit or fun themselves.
And if A and B are together in a household with merged finances, B's pursuit of C may actually cost A something... plus there are second-order effects like B's vacation time being used with C and then not available for the annual holiday with A, etc.
So, in a new relationship of friendship between B and C... they each gain a new experience with each other, a new connection, shared likes and activities, NRE, perhaps ongoing love and support from each other.
But, rationally, what's in it for A? A would seem to be a identifiable loser from the new connection between B--C, therefore jealousy would be a rational response on A's part. And A would be justified in not supporting the B--C connection.
A's network would see one of its linkages (between A--B) reduced in energy and strength, especially for the first year or so during NRE, if that happens. The only gains that I can see are if C brings something positive to A's network... making B happier or relieving A of the burden of going clothes-shopping with B, say. Or if adding C adds resources (season tickets? social connections? different viewpoints?) to the local area network. Or perhaps, given a poly network, if C develops some connection to A as well.
So... I'm open to being convinced otherwise, but I could see jealousy as a frequent-but-rational response. For poly people, I view it as a kind of dues-paying... gritting one's teeth and letting one's partners go, in exchange for the right to do likewise if one so chose. A given net loss, balanced by one's own possible future net gains in new relationships and friendships.
Someone's willingness to try poly might then balance on the magnitude of the loss(es) vs. that person's probability of finding other connections themselves. Not that there isn't lots of cause for jealousy in the mainstream -- looks at daytime TV -- but with more-frequent, ongoing connections, I think that poly is particularly jealousy-provoking, potentially. Hence the socialized "jealousy is bad" response in poly circles...
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no subject
Date: 2004-10-24 08:09 pm (UTC)What if they're gaining overall, but their specific link with yourself is losing?
It sounds like for you it boils down to him being happy (which is good in one's partnes :), plus meta-happiness deriving from your positive response.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-25 02:03 am (UTC)Brian, do you think that love and caring is a zero sum game? That if I have 2 partners, and I gain another one, the first two automatically lose some of my love and caring?
Is that how you feel when you add relationships? Not when others do, but when you, yourself do? Does a new relationship lessen the others you have?
no subject
Date: 2004-10-25 03:05 am (UTC)I rarely add new relationships (every couple of years, maybe) and they tend to happen after someone else has dumped me or otherwise faded.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-25 06:23 am (UTC)So you feel that you have to be "doing something" in order for it to be love? That's what you seem to be saying, that just knowing that your partner loves you and cares about you isn't good enough for you. You want X hours every week devoted solely to you, or you're not happy - at least, that's how this reads from where I'm sitting.
In which case, you *are* conflating love and caring with time and energy.
Do you know how often I have contact with
Time does not equal love to most people, and the people that it does equal that to usually see it as a zero-sum game.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-25 04:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-25 05:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-26 07:32 pm (UTC)