Is jealousy rational?

[jay]

dawnd and akienm are holding a local workshop on jealousy issues, tonight, so I thought I'd toss out a few contemplations...

Jealousy, particularly in polyamorous settings and groups, seems to me to be an attribute that no one wants to admit... the closest thing to labelling a "bad" emotion. But it is commonplace, IMO... and possibly rational.



Suppose A has an existing long-term relationship with B, and then B begins developing a new interest in C. Assume that A,B, and C are all reasonably busy people with other career and relationship commitments filling out their respective schedules, so there isn't lots of slack available. Love may be infinite, but time and energy are finite resources. Reasonably, A can expect that B's new energy and time going into developing a relationship (or friendship) with C will come from somewhere -- probably drawn from several places, including the relationship between A--B. Unless A is secretly looking to withdraw from or dump B, A will see this reduced time and energy from B as a loss, with a concomitant gain for C.

At the same time, A loses in other ways. Any emotional instability or drama or other fallout between B and C will ripple outward, and some of it find its way from B--A, increasing A's emotional support burden to B. And if there is sexual contact involved between B and C, then there's additional overheads -- tracking C's sexual history, current test results, risks posed by other partners. And A's net STD risk goes up overall, without A having any additional benefit or fun themselves.

And if A and B are together in a household with merged finances, B's pursuit of C may actually cost A something... plus there are second-order effects like B's vacation time being used with C and then not available for the annual holiday with A, etc.

So, in a new relationship of friendship between B and C... they each gain a new experience with each other, a new connection, shared likes and activities, NRE, perhaps ongoing love and support from each other.

But, rationally, what's in it for A? A would seem to be a identifiable loser from the new connection between B--C, therefore jealousy would be a rational response on A's part. And A would be justified in not supporting the B--C connection.

A's network would see one of its linkages (between A--B) reduced in energy and strength, especially for the first year or so during NRE, if that happens. The only gains that I can see are if C brings something positive to A's network... making B happier or relieving A of the burden of going clothes-shopping with B, say. Or if adding C adds resources (season tickets? social connections? different viewpoints?) to the local area network. Or perhaps, given a poly network, if C develops some connection to A as well.

So... I'm open to being convinced otherwise, but I could see jealousy as a frequent-but-rational response. For poly people, I view it as a kind of dues-paying... gritting one's teeth and letting one's partners go, in exchange for the right to do likewise if one so chose. A given net loss, balanced by one's own possible future net gains in new relationships and friendships.

Someone's willingness to try poly might then balance on the magnitude of the loss(es) vs. that person's probability of finding other connections themselves. Not that there isn't lots of cause for jealousy in the mainstream -- looks at daytime TV -- but with more-frequent, ongoing connections, I think that poly is particularly jealousy-provoking, potentially. Hence the socialized "jealousy is bad" response in poly circles...

Comments

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Well... true, but so far I've always returned, after some period of time.

Hmmm... I'd think that logically I'd be more motivated to actually pursue a sweetie who's just been with a new OSO, for competitive reasons... but instead, I find myself less interested, at least physically and emotionally, for some period of time afterward. Almost as though they're rendered ritually impure or unclean by the new contact, and I have to wait for some time before they're approachable... or subconsciously waiting to see if my beloved breaks out in a rash (or is pregnant) before I approach them again. This seems to be a general reaction on my part, only overruled in the past if I'm actually part of some multiple-person scene with a partner and zir other(s).

Maybe it is tied to some evolutionary reflex to not want to raise someone else's child, I'm just speculating...

[geekchick]

I'd think that logically I'd be more motivated to actually pursue a sweetie who's just been with a new OSO, for competitive reasons... but instead, I find myself less interested, at least physically and emotionally, for some period of time afterward. Almost as though they're rendered ritually impure or unclean by the new contact, and I have to wait for some time before they're approachable... or subconsciously waiting to see if my beloved breaks out in a rash (or is pregnant) before I approach them again.

I must say that my initial reaction to that characterization was not pleasant.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

It has really only been an issue in the past with N. or J...

[geekchick]

Maybe, but it still set my teeth on edge.

Do you apply the same standards to yourself? Do you consider yourself somehow "tainted" for your existing partners after you've had contact with a new partner yourself? If not, what's the difference there?

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

A bit, yes... certainly my STD risks to them are higher, afterwards.

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

Brian, I may piss you off with this observation, but it's what I'm hearing though a lot of your comments, and most strongly here.

What I am hearing in what you're saying is that you want to be the only partner your others have. The jealousy issues you started this post with sound like a monogamous person who just discovered that their partner is attracted to someone else.

The comments about your connection being lesser because of a new connection they have, of withdrawing when they have a new OSO, of feeling the need to know details (or imgaining the worst when you don't) - It's almost like you're reacting to being cheated on.

[griffen.livejournal.com]

Yes. That. And in some ways it's coming across to me as "I don't want to share, but my OSOs should have to share me" - a double standard which really gets my back up.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

'S okay. Keep in mind that I'm trying to put words on hard-to-describe feelings. Which may resemble the feelings of someone being cheated-on -- there's some social conditioning there, after all. And evolution.

But feelings aren't the same as beliefs, and beliefs don't necessarily lead to actions. I don't actually believe an SO is unclean after zie's been with a new SO, or really poses a pregnancy (if female) or huge STD risk (assuming that the given partner uses their normal precautions)... I'm trying to dissect my underlying emotional responses, which are not necessarily logical or coherent. They are what they are...

And action-wise... I have not asked any of my partners to not date someone. A couple times I've expressed my own reservations. I've worried aloud about being abandoned, but that seems commonplace. But I am very slow about asking my partners for *anything*, let alone important stuff.

As in the parent thread, I see it as kind of a dues-paying... unpleasant, maybe a bit scary and painful, but necessary if one is going to be poly. My emotional response often causes me to pout or withdraw for awhile after a partner takes a new partner, but (so far) I've always come back.