Is jealousy rational?

[jay]

dawnd and akienm are holding a local workshop on jealousy issues, tonight, so I thought I'd toss out a few contemplations...

Jealousy, particularly in polyamorous settings and groups, seems to me to be an attribute that no one wants to admit... the closest thing to labelling a "bad" emotion. But it is commonplace, IMO... and possibly rational.



Suppose A has an existing long-term relationship with B, and then B begins developing a new interest in C. Assume that A,B, and C are all reasonably busy people with other career and relationship commitments filling out their respective schedules, so there isn't lots of slack available. Love may be infinite, but time and energy are finite resources. Reasonably, A can expect that B's new energy and time going into developing a relationship (or friendship) with C will come from somewhere -- probably drawn from several places, including the relationship between A--B. Unless A is secretly looking to withdraw from or dump B, A will see this reduced time and energy from B as a loss, with a concomitant gain for C.

At the same time, A loses in other ways. Any emotional instability or drama or other fallout between B and C will ripple outward, and some of it find its way from B--A, increasing A's emotional support burden to B. And if there is sexual contact involved between B and C, then there's additional overheads -- tracking C's sexual history, current test results, risks posed by other partners. And A's net STD risk goes up overall, without A having any additional benefit or fun themselves.

And if A and B are together in a household with merged finances, B's pursuit of C may actually cost A something... plus there are second-order effects like B's vacation time being used with C and then not available for the annual holiday with A, etc.

So, in a new relationship of friendship between B and C... they each gain a new experience with each other, a new connection, shared likes and activities, NRE, perhaps ongoing love and support from each other.

But, rationally, what's in it for A? A would seem to be a identifiable loser from the new connection between B--C, therefore jealousy would be a rational response on A's part. And A would be justified in not supporting the B--C connection.

A's network would see one of its linkages (between A--B) reduced in energy and strength, especially for the first year or so during NRE, if that happens. The only gains that I can see are if C brings something positive to A's network... making B happier or relieving A of the burden of going clothes-shopping with B, say. Or if adding C adds resources (season tickets? social connections? different viewpoints?) to the local area network. Or perhaps, given a poly network, if C develops some connection to A as well.

So... I'm open to being convinced otherwise, but I could see jealousy as a frequent-but-rational response. For poly people, I view it as a kind of dues-paying... gritting one's teeth and letting one's partners go, in exchange for the right to do likewise if one so chose. A given net loss, balanced by one's own possible future net gains in new relationships and friendships.

Someone's willingness to try poly might then balance on the magnitude of the loss(es) vs. that person's probability of finding other connections themselves. Not that there isn't lots of cause for jealousy in the mainstream -- looks at daytime TV -- but with more-frequent, ongoing connections, I think that poly is particularly jealousy-provoking, potentially. Hence the socialized "jealousy is bad" response in poly circles...

Comments

[griffen.livejournal.com]

Perhaps you should consider why your LDR sweeties are reluctant to share that information with you. And perhaps you should reevaluate your need for that information. Right now, from everything you've said, you come off as overbearing and prying because you have to know every little detail, and that is counterproductive to functional relationships.

Again, are you willing to allow your SOs privacy?

[geekchick]

I don't think it's actually that he needs to "know every little detail", at least that hasn't been true in my experience. I think it's just been a matter of uncertainty about how much gushing to do over happy-making dates more than being asked to provide every single detail of what went on during those dates.

[griffen.livejournal.com]

To me - and this is just me and nobody else - it seems selfish to be unwilling to be happy for a partner when they've had a happy-making date. And it seems rather control-freakish to expect to know any specifics of what went on during that date, unless that's been specifically negotiated and agreed to, in advance, with both the SO and the SO's SO.

[patgreene.livejournal.com]

To me - and this is just me and nobody else - it seems selfish to be unwilling to be happy for a partner when they've had a happy-making date.

I know from personal experience that this is not usually the case with Brian. Yes, he has jealous patches, and he's working on them, but I have certainly seen him be happy when partners have had had good experiences with their OSOs. Whether he communicates that to his SOs is a different matter, and one which I am not privy to.

[tenacious-snail.livejournal.com]

well, he needs to actually get enough information for him to know it was a happy-making date. He and I share a disinterest in pop culture, including movies. If I tell him that I went to see a movie with polydreamz, that is NOT enough information to generate compersion. If I mention cooking, cheeses, ice cream, or an overnight, *those* sorts of details will be enough for compersive happiness. It doesn't have to be a Letter to Penthouse sort of "specifics".