Communication styles
Dec. 8th, 2005 05:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jayI'm a US Southerner, both by nurture and preference in speech patterns. Communicating in Japan, even with few words, often feels more natural somehow than with New Yorkers... the flow and mutual consideration of the former seem intuitive, while the latter often seems brash and noisy and prone to attempts to dominate in conversation.
[minor deviation from current personal experiment]
On top of culture, growing up I was a low-status, weird geeky kid who was the butt of harassment and frequent physical violence from groups of other kids... I learned to try to get my message across conversationally while giving those around me as little excuse as possible to take offense. Anything perceived as assertive on my part would generate teasing and putdowns at best, getting beaten-up or stoned (hit with big rocks, not drugs) again at worst. So on top of the cultural norms, I learned to exceed them...
[end deviation]
So, in person, I'm generally coming from Pleasant, Believed, Understood, Remembered (PBUR) in all person-to-person communications. Understood is in a distant third place. I go to lengths to structure in-person conversation so to minimize the possibility of conflict, or at least to leave a face-saving way out for the other person(s). Maintaining the interpersonal relationship is far more important to me than the passing, temporal content of whatever I happen to be saying at the moment.
For me, speech stressing Understood is limited to lecturing others, as in teaching a class or giving a presentation. Other communication forms, particularly some impersonal, online forms, may also find me in a neutral balance.
Someone in a group using Understood will often come across to me as pushy or blunt, or as attempting to impose their preferences, running over everyone else's... often, I'll get wary or defensive when that form of speech is used. But I'll try to avoid conflict at my annoyance at their use of a direct, aggressive style, instead trying to smile and ignore or placate it.
[minor deviation from current personal experiment]
On top of culture, growing up I was a low-status, weird geeky kid who was the butt of harassment and frequent physical violence from groups of other kids... I learned to try to get my message across conversationally while giving those around me as little excuse as possible to take offense. Anything perceived as assertive on my part would generate teasing and putdowns at best, getting beaten-up or stoned (hit with big rocks, not drugs) again at worst. So on top of the cultural norms, I learned to exceed them...
[end deviation]
So, in person, I'm generally coming from Pleasant, Believed, Understood, Remembered (PBUR) in all person-to-person communications. Understood is in a distant third place. I go to lengths to structure in-person conversation so to minimize the possibility of conflict, or at least to leave a face-saving way out for the other person(s). Maintaining the interpersonal relationship is far more important to me than the passing, temporal content of whatever I happen to be saying at the moment.
For me, speech stressing Understood is limited to lecturing others, as in teaching a class or giving a presentation. Other communication forms, particularly some impersonal, online forms, may also find me in a neutral balance.
Someone in a group using Understood will often come across to me as pushy or blunt, or as attempting to impose their preferences, running over everyone else's... often, I'll get wary or defensive when that form of speech is used. But I'll try to avoid conflict at my annoyance at their use of a direct, aggressive style, instead trying to smile and ignore or placate it.
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Re: with Pleasant being[...]definitely annoying when coming from other people.
Date: 2005-12-09 08:04 pm (UTC)It's another sort of front. The pretense of "stripped bare", vs. the acknowleged "socially greased".
I care about how someone *feels* about the information (Pleasant), *in addition* to the parts about Understood/Remembered/Believed. The lack of that feels like hostility to me.
Re: with Pleasant being[...]definitely annoying when coming from other people.
Date: 2005-12-09 08:06 pm (UTC)Re: with Pleasant being[...]definitely annoying when coming from other people.
Date: 2005-12-09 08:16 pm (UTC)As far as the process. The very part of "stripped bare" that makes it handle-able for you renders the data hard for me to get, because there's suddenly static in the way.
If I can use a bad analogy, it's something along the lines of your needing the signal (the data) amplified in order to receive it, but I'm hearing it fine as is, so your version is like trying to hear it while my ears are buzzing painfully. We've covered your end of it before, so I think you're clear on that bit.
Hmm...maybe this other analogy works better:
Things are spiky, so it's nice if there's a mediating layer, so that fingers don't get scratched. Meanwhile, you find the mediating layer slippery, and you feel that you'd get a better grip on things if there were nothing but the bare material.
Re: with Pleasant being[...]definitely annoying when coming from other people.
Date: 2005-12-09 08:37 pm (UTC)If someone is expecting a male partner to use a condom, and suddenly the guy instead tries to bareback, that may cause the intended recipient to pull back, rather than let him have his way without the layer in place.
Re: with Pleasant being[...]definitely annoying when coming from other people.
Date: 2005-12-09 08:48 pm (UTC)Re: with Pleasant being[...]definitely annoying when coming from other people.
Date: 2005-12-09 10:16 pm (UTC)