A strange feeling...

[jay]

A sweetie of mine today sent me an email. "...since you don't like to ask for help, I thought I'd ask for some as a way to generate ideas."

And she posted a question. And received a warm and supportive response, from her friends, who naturally assumed that it was something of concern to her. And there were, in fact, some useful ideas there for me.

It's a strange feeling watching the difference in responses over there, though, compared to the kinds of responses, or lack thereof, over here when I ask for advice. I can't help but wonder how it would have been different if I'd directly posted exactly the same question in my own journal. Some people would not have replied, certainly. Others I feel would have been less likely to offer their comments or help. And there's a nagging feeling that I would have been somehow "made to be wrong" or criticized if I'd opened myself up in exactly the same way.

Still, this was a loving and supportive act on my sweetie's part, even if I feel a bit sheepish... would these people have been as helpful if they'd known?

Comments

Re: *shrug*

[patgreene.livejournal.com]

I would like to point out that in the last two posts that I've seen you and Brian cross words on in *his* journal, you have expressed a level of unpleasantness you would not brook in your own.

Had it been me, I myself would have gotten somewhat defensive at your first response to him, and certainly at the suggestion I had made no progress at all in 5 years.

And yes, he has changed, even if it is not apparent in his LJ. Part of the issue is that he posts about these things when he is feeling unsettled or confused, and less likely to be relying on new behaviors than old, ingrained ones. Or when other stresses are occurring.

Re: *shrug*

[griffen.livejournal.com]

So saying "No matter what I say or do to try to help you, you ignore it or reject it, so I'm not going to try anymore" is a level of unpleasantness I wouldn't tolerate in my own journal? I must say I'm surprised at your response as well (not to mention that I disagree with you on that point).

He wanted to know if he would get the same response here as he got indirectly in someone else's journal. My answer is no, because the way he responds to offers of help and suggestions for change makes that kind of response impossible. I was simply letting him know why it wasn't possible for me to give that kind of a response; when I do, it gets rejected out of hand.

And he may have changed. As I said, based on his LJ (which is the only interaction I have with him) it does not appear that he has. I will take what you and others have said about there having been real change off-LJ, as well as what you have said about how he uses his LJ, into consideration and try not to assume that there has not been change simply because it is not apparent in his LJ. I would appreciate an acknowledgment that at this distance and through this medium it's quite difficult to see that, however.

Re: *shrug*

[dawnd.livejournal.com]

Hey Griff--
I tried to reach you in IM to confirm that it would be OK to look at the communication BETWEEN you and Brian (since you have not explicitly given permission for feedback, although Brian essentially has in this particular entry). In the interests of not waiting around for about three days till we catch up with one another, I'm going to go ahead. I am acknowledging here, though, that you haven't asked, and that it might be uncomfortable. I hope that it will be helpful to you, Brian, and anyone else reading, however. Let me know if it's too much, though.

In response to THIS comment, yes, it's difficult for you to see how he has changed at that distance. He HAS changed, though. Others have mentioned fewer and less intense flame wars, and I'll agree. In person, I see even more change. It's not rocket fast, it's not direct, and it's not necessarily without backtracking. But that's true for most folks when they are working on their "stuff." I know it's true for me. :^)

I will also submit that it's difficult for you to see change because of your own filters. You expect him to be a certain way based on past experience, and so you see that. It might be easier to see change if you try to "put on fresh eyes." I also find that wherever I personally have issues, I will be more sensitized to those issues in others. So you may be projecting some of your own stuff onto him as well.

Anyhow, I'm gonna head back up to the top of the thread in a little bit (need to attend to some other stuff first), and make a few comments about where I perceive your interaction went awry. Hope that's OK; please let me know if it's not.

(hugs), and best wishes on the stressful stuff in your own life right now.