Feeling stuck in kind of a rut?

[jay]

I need to explore or find something different in my life... too much in the past couple of months (outside of work) has been quiet and dull. Lots of time on weekends spent cleaning and repairing and building things at home... granted, there's been a couple of years of deferred maintenance, but I miss going out and doing the occasional frivolous or recreational activity, or seeing friends. Or even doing activities with the kids... it has been three months of much work and little play. And being both the primary earner and able-bodied adult around the house leaves me often sliding into doing more caretaking than I'd wish.

The breaks, for me, have been travel... I'm really looking forward to going to Minneapolis in two weeks for the weekend for my 10th anniversary with Nancy. Or two weeks ago, when I went to DC a day early so I could spend all day Sunday with geekchick before my business Monday morning. Or going to Atlanta on business in December. I've held these out to myself as carrots and motivators... the problem with this is that it then sets my hopes and expectations really high, which can cause me to crash emotionally if everything isn't sparkly and fun when I visit for the weekend. Which in turn places an undue burden on my out-of-town partners and friends and family. They can't, alone, be my escape-valve or the spice in my life.

I'm really not much of a homebody, or happy retreating to a nest. I could be comfortable spending half my time on the road somewhere. And I don't watch DVDs, movies or TV, and rarely read anymore for pleasure, so there's not much to do at home *except* clean, cook or work on household projects. Except playing with the kids or cats? Any suggestions?

Comments

[cyan-blue.livejournal.com]

They can't, alone, be my escape-valve or the spice in my life.

I'm sure that you didn't mean that line to sound hurtful to your at-home partners, but...

In any case, my perception is that you often seem to wait for others to initiate entertainments, rather than planning them yourself (with some exceptions, granted). Perhaps you could identify some of the things that might sound fun on a weekend and suggest 'em? You're not the only one around here who likes driving trips, geocaching, trying new things. Me, I've also been looking for new things to try, and have found soap-making classes, drum circles, book clubs on Meetup recently. There are lots of online activities listings (Meetup, Craigslist community pages, etc). I often see lots of things listed that the kids might like (hikes, bird-watching outings, wii saturdays at the library).

We can talk more later on it...

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

I also feel like I can't just declare "I'm going to a drumming circle" or "I'm going to an art opening" without getting permission or negotiating the time spent away from home? Unless I'm on the road somewhere, then I feel in control of my own scheduling. Interesting contrast... we can talk later.

[cyan-blue.livejournal.com]

Let's see if there can be ways for you to feel more freedom to say "I'm going to go do X" and be supported in that.

Relatedly, some of the impetus for me to begin looking for more outside activities for myself was the realization that I was relying more heavily on you than was optimal (for either of us) for my own social interaction. In retrospect, perhaps I ought to have made that process more explicit... at the time, it felt more like an "I need to clean up my own codependency" thing, so I simply set about taking care of it by looking to expand my own social and activity repertoire. But, it didn't occur to me that perhaps I needed to make explicit the parallel intention of "hey, it's ok for you to go do your own thing more" likewise. I know that I've been trying to encourage your time with other partners more in recent weeks; perhaps we need to make that encouragement more explicit in the realms of hobbies and your seeing other friends as well.

Ideally, you'd be able to take time to go do your own thing apart from the house more, and *also* collaborate more on cool new adventure-finding with those of us who you live with ;-) Sometimes perhaps there could be larger group adventures as well, with both house folks and friends. Let's do talk more later on how to bring more of this about.

(Acknowleging as well here that you and P might need to have your own conversations around these themes, which may or may not be similar to ours. In any case, you have my support for whatever she feels comfortable with in these realms).

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

(nods) I don't usually feel like I own my time at home, weekends and evenings, but that it first belongs to those who I'm responsible for supporting, i.e., the kids, patgreene, and lately yourself. If I can do something fun while still fulfilling my responsibilities at home, then it's OK, otherwise the household's needs come first in allocating my discretionary time. Too much of this, though, and I start getting burned-out and cranky.

The boundary between work and home, and the quantity of stuff I need to accomplish at either place, blurs the difference between them. Home really does often feel to me not like a refuge, but just another jobsite, albeit one where it is OK if I sleep...

[elissaann.livejournal.com]

Everybody has the right to "me-time." Even you.

[dawnd.livejournal.com]

Akien and I are having issues that sound somewhat similar to this. There's a balance point to be found somewhere between "I'm doing this, and you can lump it if you don't like it," and the other extreme of "Honey, may I have permission to go get a cup of coffee?"

Have you already tried having each person have a "day" that's "theirs," that they get to do whatever they want, without discussing it with the others in advance--or at all?