Social contraction

[jay]

Today I passed on two social events that I would have otherwise quite enjoyed, because prominent members of the (for lack of a better term) dot_cattiness group were going to be there. And I'm conflict-averse, in my personal life. Last weekend, patgreene stayed home from another event because she didn't want to go alone, and I wasn't going because of the same personal-enemy-present considerations. The end result is that my social connections and opportunities are contracting, a not-unexpected outcome of last month.

At the same time, I feel terminally awkward and insufficiently cool to hang out with, say, the House Dreamland folks and their circles of friends... I was planning to go to rosefox's birthday gathering in SF tomorrow night, but now I'm not sure. And reading bikerscum's comments about his "network of affectionates," I feel both a bit envious and creeped-out at the same time... and wonder what any mutual friends could see in both me and someone like the other Bryan. Our values and actions and backgrounds are so conflicting, and so different.

Comments

[bdot.livejournal.com]

i feel the same way about most of the social functions i attend. i feel that i don't really belong, that others might wonder why i bothered to show up at all, that i should leave... and sometimes i do.

but if i never forced myself to go to that first PPP, i wouldn't have met most of the people i hang out with right now. i *will* go to the party tomorrow night, even though dance clubs are not my thing. i have my little black dress all ready to go...even if my slightly bigger body doesn't look great in it right now.

i might have fun, i might not. i can always leave if i want to. but i won't know unless i go.

i'm going to cross post this to my journal, modifying it a bit. i like what i wrote! thanks for helping me get this insight!

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

I was startled to read this... I'd always thought you were pretty self-assured and fit in easily. And that you were one of the people that would wonder why I bothered to show up at all ;-).

Seeing that someone I liked and respected had had the same feelings, but forced themselves through them, gave me the motivation to do likewise last night. And I enjoyed myself... thanks!