Social contraction

[jay]

Today I passed on two social events that I would have otherwise quite enjoyed, because prominent members of the (for lack of a better term) dot_cattiness group were going to be there. And I'm conflict-averse, in my personal life. Last weekend, patgreene stayed home from another event because she didn't want to go alone, and I wasn't going because of the same personal-enemy-present considerations. The end result is that my social connections and opportunities are contracting, a not-unexpected outcome of last month.

At the same time, I feel terminally awkward and insufficiently cool to hang out with, say, the House Dreamland folks and their circles of friends... I was planning to go to rosefox's birthday gathering in SF tomorrow night, but now I'm not sure. And reading bikerscum's comments about his "network of affectionates," I feel both a bit envious and creeped-out at the same time... and wonder what any mutual friends could see in both me and someone like the other Bryan. Our values and actions and backgrounds are so conflicting, and so different.

Comments

Social expansion...

[purpletigron.livejournal.com]

Hey - I can't get to rosefox's party tomorrow night ... so consider going and raising a glass for me, eh???

You are way cool enough to hang out with those cool Dreamland guys!!!! (And I'm not just saying that because I'm a Mars junkie :-)

Re: Social expansion...

[purplecthulhu.livejournal.com]

And you can go and wave the flag for me too!

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

I lifted a cup for you both ;-).

[bdot.livejournal.com]

i feel the same way about most of the social functions i attend. i feel that i don't really belong, that others might wonder why i bothered to show up at all, that i should leave... and sometimes i do.

but if i never forced myself to go to that first PPP, i wouldn't have met most of the people i hang out with right now. i *will* go to the party tomorrow night, even though dance clubs are not my thing. i have my little black dress all ready to go...even if my slightly bigger body doesn't look great in it right now.

i might have fun, i might not. i can always leave if i want to. but i won't know unless i go.

i'm going to cross post this to my journal, modifying it a bit. i like what i wrote! thanks for helping me get this insight!

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

I was startled to read this... I'd always thought you were pretty self-assured and fit in easily. And that you were one of the people that would wonder why I bothered to show up at all ;-).

Seeing that someone I liked and respected had had the same feelings, but forced themselves through them, gave me the motivation to do likewise last night. And I enjoyed myself... thanks!

[dawnd.livejournal.com]

And reading bikerscum's comments about his "network of affectionates," I feel both a bit envious and creeped-out at the same time...

Creeped-out? Why?

[geekchick]

That was the question I was going to ask as well.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

(smile) since I'm quite unlikely to be on intimate terms with him, or with anyone with whom he's been sexual, argument #14 isn't applicable.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

My three negative feelings were envy, discomfort, and wariness... the latter two equated roughly to "a bit... creeped-out".

Envy, because I've worked hard over a couple of years to communicate better, to cultivate friendships, to be able to reach out to friends... and here comes someone new who sweeps in and is immediately on close, friendly terms with half the people I try to hang out with. And he gets kisses (or more...) from people that I can't even get hugs from. It's as though in ice skating, I'd been practicing diligently, gradually improving over two years... then someone new appears, puts on skates and in a week or two is doing double-axels. It's discouraging... part of me wants to just give up and become reclusive, since I'm obviously quite untalented or unskilled in comparison. Or find a different set of friends, pretend it never happened, and resume practicing elsewhere.

Really, the above has little to do with bikerscum himself... it's my set of issues, which could be triggered by any new, quickly-embraced arrival on a shared social scene.

Discomfort, because if a given person "is on snogging terms" with all of his friends (per his entry) *and* that behavior is embraced in my local social circle, then that changes the groundrules around me, and is disconcerting. And unexpected. Does this mean that I need to be on kissing (or more) terms with my closer friends, in order to keep up somehow? And if I don't or aren't, I risk fading even further to the periphery?

Wariness, because of that sudden expansion in that "network of affectionates"... what are his boundaries? Or is he "collecting" a matched set of the local poly women? In person, that just doesn't seem accurate... he seems like a nice guy, and doesn't seem into that kind of scummy behavior (despite the LJ handle ;-). But from a distance, it initially looked a bit suspicious.

[dancing-star.livejournal.com]

Our values and actions and backgrounds are so conflicting, and so different.

Have you ever thought that perhaps that difference is part of why people enjoy having both of you as friends? Yes, your actions may very well be very differnt from each other, as well as other things. This world has all kinds of people. We are humans thinking, creatues and we should be able to get along inspite of view-points and values that might be differnt.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Perhaps... but then one or the other of us is being kept around as a sort of totem or mascot, a contrast to that person's own tendencies.

[patgreene.livejournal.com]

Ah, but you're such a *cute* msacot! ;>

[dancing-star.livejournal.com]

I don't personally keep mascots or totems. If I call someone a friend, I mean that and they are called that friend for who they are. Not for who my other friends are.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

You may be giving these people more power than they want/deserve/warrant in your life. Could you go and then leave if it's overly unpleasant? Otherwise, you're letting other people set your social schedule, and that seems counterproductive to me.

Oh, and my friends are a diverse lot, indeed, and I LIKE it that way.

*hugs*

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

I'd rather not devolve to the glaring-furtively-across-the-room stage at the same event with several of these folks. I can get my social needs met in venues where my enemies are fewer... but that limits my choices. And if one of them shows up, I may bow out of an event that I'd already planned to attend... I prefer not to spend a social event in constant wariness.

Diversity in friends is good... but I don't like one friend because of a quality and like another friend for *not* having that quality... the more opposites WRT each other, the less likely that two given people will both be friends of mine.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Re: parties with enemies: You're obviously the best judge of whether you'll have a good time at a given event. If you're happy doing things this way, I don't see any reason to change it. I was just suggesting that it's not necessarily the only way to go.

Re: diversity in friends: I find that people are a mix of zillions of characteristics, and that one characteristic doesn't usually overshadow the zeitgeist of who they are, so I guess I could like two people who are "opposites" of each other, because they have other qualities that make them attractive to me. But that's just me datapointing.

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

We're going to Dreamland on Saturday, and I know you're certainly cool enough for me and deyo.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Sorry that I descended into another bout of self-doubt... I guess I'm not alone in these, but feel a bit silly afterward having written about them.

[wordweaverlynn.livejournal.com]

Umm. I think I may have stumbled into something. I hope it's not a complicated, unpleasant, and painful social mess.[checking bottom of shoe] I've seen this kind of thing before -- in nearly a decade online, that's not surprising.

I belong to dot_cattiness. I also feel quite friendly toward you and patgreene. I missed the flamewar, whatever it was.

I don't -- yet -- know most of the Bay Area LJ folk in 3D, though I met some at a party a few weeks ago. (And they were really nice.) All I have is your words. I'm not going to take sides, and I hope very much that nobody is going to try to assign me one.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Don't worry about it, a number of my friends are members of dot_cattiness. TKIOK... There's a certain group that frequents that community that loves to pick fights, but not everyone there does so. There's no need to take sides.

[geekchick]

wonder what any mutual friends could see in both me and someone like the other Bryan. Our values and actions and backgrounds are so conflicting, and so different.

As others have said, diversity is a good thing. If all of my friends were exactly like me, frankly I'd probably be pretty bored. I suspect that your mutual friends see good qualities in both of you, I'm not sure why that seems to be hard for you to accept.

[geekchick]

That last bit might've come out sounding a bit harsh, but it really wasn't meant to be. Sorry.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Because embracing quality A in person 1 isn't consistent with similarly embracing quality not-A in person 2?

[geekchick]

Do you really pick your friends based on single issues like that? It's more a matter of liking A and D about person 1 and D and X about person 2, in my experience. My friends all have multiple qualities that I find attractive, some of which overlap and some of which don't.

[dawnd.livejournal.com]

What she said. Variety is, after all, the spice of life.

[dawnd.livejournal.com]

Brian, you are SUCH a geek. And I mean that in a nice way. But really, this entry needed your "quantification of enjoyment" icon next to it!

People are complex. There are things I like about you, and things that drive me batty about you. That is true for everyone else I meet, in varying degrees (including bikerscum). In fact, the things that drive me batty can be the SAME things that attract me to someone, when expressed at different times, in different ways, or to different degrees. The above example of geekiness would be one of those. I both like it and want to strangle you about it simultanously.

[vokzal.livejournal.com]

Well, come to the city and hang out at bookstores with me. Oddly enough, I've taken to cruising at bookstores. I think I need to hang out at better bookstores though.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Better bookstores? What kind of stores (or clientele ;)?

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

OK, done?