Social contraction

[jay]

Today I passed on two social events that I would have otherwise quite enjoyed, because prominent members of the (for lack of a better term) dot_cattiness group were going to be there. And I'm conflict-averse, in my personal life. Last weekend, patgreene stayed home from another event because she didn't want to go alone, and I wasn't going because of the same personal-enemy-present considerations. The end result is that my social connections and opportunities are contracting, a not-unexpected outcome of last month.

At the same time, I feel terminally awkward and insufficiently cool to hang out with, say, the House Dreamland folks and their circles of friends... I was planning to go to rosefox's birthday gathering in SF tomorrow night, but now I'm not sure. And reading bikerscum's comments about his "network of affectionates," I feel both a bit envious and creeped-out at the same time... and wonder what any mutual friends could see in both me and someone like the other Bryan. Our values and actions and backgrounds are so conflicting, and so different.

Comments

[dawnd.livejournal.com]

And reading bikerscum's comments about his "network of affectionates," I feel both a bit envious and creeped-out at the same time...

Creeped-out? Why?

[geekchick]

That was the question I was going to ask as well.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

(smile) since I'm quite unlikely to be on intimate terms with him, or with anyone with whom he's been sexual, argument #14 isn't applicable.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

My three negative feelings were envy, discomfort, and wariness... the latter two equated roughly to "a bit... creeped-out".

Envy, because I've worked hard over a couple of years to communicate better, to cultivate friendships, to be able to reach out to friends... and here comes someone new who sweeps in and is immediately on close, friendly terms with half the people I try to hang out with. And he gets kisses (or more...) from people that I can't even get hugs from. It's as though in ice skating, I'd been practicing diligently, gradually improving over two years... then someone new appears, puts on skates and in a week or two is doing double-axels. It's discouraging... part of me wants to just give up and become reclusive, since I'm obviously quite untalented or unskilled in comparison. Or find a different set of friends, pretend it never happened, and resume practicing elsewhere.

Really, the above has little to do with bikerscum himself... it's my set of issues, which could be triggered by any new, quickly-embraced arrival on a shared social scene.

Discomfort, because if a given person "is on snogging terms" with all of his friends (per his entry) *and* that behavior is embraced in my local social circle, then that changes the groundrules around me, and is disconcerting. And unexpected. Does this mean that I need to be on kissing (or more) terms with my closer friends, in order to keep up somehow? And if I don't or aren't, I risk fading even further to the periphery?

Wariness, because of that sudden expansion in that "network of affectionates"... what are his boundaries? Or is he "collecting" a matched set of the local poly women? In person, that just doesn't seem accurate... he seems like a nice guy, and doesn't seem into that kind of scummy behavior (despite the LJ handle ;-). But from a distance, it initially looked a bit suspicious.