Toddler go splash-splash?

[jay]

Time for more late-night personal contemplation... coming up this weekend is a large, community-wide social event (a clothing-optional poly pool party --PPP -- with 60-100 people) that seems to alternate for me between a delight and a disappointment (or worse). Last time was embarrassing. I'm already beginning to feel trepidation and slight stress about Saturday.

Contemplation of why some PPPs have been fun and others miserable has been worthwhile for me, but others may want to skip down their friends-lists.

Observation of toddlers (I have references) has shown that toddlers' seemingly-aimless wanderings have patterns... they typically explore, go out in a sweep or wander, then return periodically to their parent. Presumably for love and reassurance, before going out again. This pattern of circulate-then-check-in can be aborted if something particularly scary or stressful (a barking dog, say) appears, in which case the toddler returns to the caregiver for refuge or a respite from exploring. And the time length between check-ins varies between individuals.

There are parallels between this pattern and how I function at large social events, particularly when I don't know many of the other people and there's some degree of stress or activities that push emotional buttons. I have had a much better time when I've had an anchor, or date, or safety net, or whatever... even a partner who was there as someone else's date... than when I've been at these events alone.

If I feel lonely, or an outsider, or feel left out when I see groups of other people (or even friends of mine) happily snuggled and/or talking, I need a go-to person, someone that I can trust to accept and welcome me. Someone that will gladly give me a quick cuddle or reassurance if/whenever I need one. Then I feel less stressed, emotionally balanced, and more socially confident before venturing out again to explore... reassured, just like a toddler checking in with his parent before wandering away again. Not that I need to be babied or treated as a child per se -- that's not my fetish (grin) -- but I need a safety net in these situations, someone that I know will welcome and want me around. Someone with whom I have "interruption" privileges if I'm in an emotional crisis or a bad head-space, and with whom I can relax and touch casually without worrying about whether it's unwelcome.

So... returning to the PPP-specifics... when I've gone with someone, I've uniformly always had a good-to-great time, with typical event variability due to other factors. When I've gone stag, over half the time it's been a negative experience. If I start feeling isolated and left out, or questioning why anyone would want to talk to me, *and* I'm on my own, I'll tend to fall into a negative emotional spiral and withdraw, further isolating myself and feeding the spiral. Stag occasions that have worked have generally been either brief visits (less than an hour) or else I discovered I had a sweetie also in attendance (there with a different partner, but still open to me).

At cuddly events, it really helps to have someone there that one can cuddle ;-).

This weekend's outlook... patgreene says she isn't up to the crowd and noise, and my (now-ex) local partner won't be there, so I will presumably be going alone. There are several friends that I'd consider asking out, but that'd be presumptuous, given that I'm not even on hand-holding terms with most of them. So, I'm beginning to get stressed about Saturday... hopefully it will still be OK. Or I'll have enough sense to bail out this time rather than walk around the pool in my bathrobe, looking bereaved and withdrawn. I'm envious of people for whom these things are easy...

Comments

[wordweaverlynn.livejournal.com]

I sympathize. I'm an introvert myself -- I hate noise, crowds, and parties where I don't know people. Over the years I've had to develop my own methods of dealing with them. Weirdly, I have no fear of public speaking, and I do well talking to strangers when I'm a speaker -- then I have a role, a purpose. And online of course is easy. It's 3D events that are difficult. And no, it doesn't matter if I have anyone there of my own. That isn't how my mind (or whatever it is) works. Sometimes I feel this way at gatherings of my own blood kin.

Although my issues seem to be somewhat different from yours, maybe I can offer some ideas. I've learned to take a small cross-stitch project as both a refuge/camouflage and a conversation-starter. As a kid I always took a book or five, and I still keep one stashed in the cross-stitch bag.

Is there something you can do that would serve to distract you and/or interest other people? At BDSM play parties, it's easy to meet others by discussing toys. I dunno about strictly poly events. The only ones I've been to are the South Bay Poly events, and that's a discussion group, an easy venue for me.

My ex-husband also taught me that the way to talk to strangers at parties was not to hang around on the fringes of a conversation group, but to go up to other people who are wandering around alone. Most people are not offended by someone saying "hello." (This amazed me.)


There are several friends that I'd consider asking out, but that'd be presumptuous, given that I'm not even on hand-holding terms with most of them.

Umm, do you have to take a partner? Why not a buddy? Maybe this is off-base, but I gather this is a pool party, not an orgy. (Not that there's anything wrong with orgies.) Maybe you can gather several friends who are in similar circumstances and have your own group-within-a-group.

Good luck. And remember, you don't actually have to go. Staying home with your wife, maybe watching a movie together, might also be nice.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the sympathy :-). I'm actually an extrovert, given Myers-Briggs and similar definitions. Irresistably drawn to crowds, noise, energy, and people... but I lack self-confidence and social skills. So I'm not introverted, per se, rather an incompetent/frustrated extrovert. Staying quietly at home is usually to be avoided, unless I'm talking to others on the phone or online.

I haven't found a good icebreaker at poly events...

I have no fear of public speaking

Seeble. Enjoyable, actually... weaving an audience in one's hands, getting a rush from the crowd response and attention...

do you have to take a partner? Why not a buddy?

It's not an orgy, or I wouldn't have been invited ;-). Although I suspect that similar dynamics would exist for me at those kinds of events (only more so!), if I attended one. As far as buddies go, they all have their own plans... and I don't have interruption-rights or touching-acceptance with them.

watching a movie together

Heh. You wouldn't have known this, but watching TV or movies at home is one of my least favorite activities... I'd rather clean the bathrooms! When I go out to a movie, it's more for the social setting (sharing an experience with lots of people) than for the movie itself...

[wordweaverlynn.livejournal.com]

Well, I did say we seem to have different issues.[wry G] Sorry I couldn't help.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

But thanks for the suggestions (smile).