As an aside

[jay]

If getting laid was a priority of mine, I wouldn't dare to voice public opinions that I know might alienate some potential (or even current) partners...

If you're wondering what I'm talking about, it isn't worth your time...

Comments

Plain truth

[therealjae.livejournal.com]

Well, I'm not a potential partner, but I have to admit that it puts me off, too, to the extent that I can only bring myself to read your livejournal on days when I'm extremely calm. I'm bothered by the cycle I see here of you saying something upsetting, the other person reacting in a wounded way, and you digging your heels in further and further. I care about this because the people you care about are often people I care about, too, and I don't *like* watching them get hurt. It makes me want to distance myself from you, and I think we've both noticed the results of that.

I'm also bothered by your attitude of never wanting to take an active role in changing things about yourself that cause you problems. This is bothersome not in an angry-making way, but in a frustrating way, because I know that if you were more willing to work on those things, you'd be a lot happier. It's hard to watch. Because as much as you frustrate me, I do want you to be happy. I just think happiness is something that has to be worked at.

-J

Re: Plain truth

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the feedback... and for wanting me to be happy. And for sticking around despite the overheads and frustration.

(Although, do my LJ entries about work, like the past couple of weeks of fieldwork, require a calm state likewise -- or just the more-personal entries? I'm wondering about content v. writing style... )

As I said to geekchick, if I'm really hurt or depressed, I'll sometimes react in ways that will either shut out the rest of the world, or pre-emptively call down criticism on myself. These are defensive reactions on my part... if everyone dislikes me, then I'm alone but the situation is known and manageable. Less fear of the unknown... but those near to me may either get hurt or are at least left trying to explain to others why they're still around.

So this isn't a good strategy. I talked to a friend over lunch today about this provocative-defensive approach, and she reiterated that it was keeping people away, including some from whose company I'd otherwise benefit. Changing myself is hard, at a core fear-response level. It's taken years to simply be able to explain what I do, and why. I hope to have a better strategy someday, but I can't honestly say what that will look like.

Re: Plain truth

[therealjae.livejournal.com]

*applause* for recognizing that it isn't a good strategy! That's the next step.

And of *course* it's scary to try and change it. Change is scary, and taking steps to change *yourself* is the scariest thing of all. But if you don't do it, you're skipping the most important step. If you're able to analyze what's wrong, and explain it to others, but you take no steps to change it, then what you're doing is making other people responsible for your flaws. You're saying: "Look how smart I am that I've figured out my strategies! Now it's up to you to change your behaviour to accommodate them."

This is one of the reasons why I've always recommended therapy for you. Therapists are supposed to be there to help us identify things that keep us unhappy, and then work out how to change them. You seem to have the first half of that down to a science (and more power to you), but you might be merely human after all and need a little guidance on the second half. Most of us do. You're saying now that you "hope to have a better strategy someday," but that's not going to happen if you just sit there and will it to come to you, right? Surely the scientist in you can recognize that. :-)

As for whether your entire journal requires a calm state for me, it's not every entry, nor even every personal entry. Certain things set me off: the entries where you're talking about how awful you are, or the entries where you're passive-aggressively lashing out at someone else, or the entries where you're explaining how lousy a time you had at an event after having refrained from mentioning this while it was going on. But the effect is that since these kinds of entries set my teeth on edge, I often avoid your entire journal in case I might run into one.

I reiterate that I'm impressed with your ability to analyze yourself and come up with the likely culprit. I remain hopeful that you can take that to the next level. It's why I stick around, albeit at a safe distance.

-J

Re: Plain truth

[geekchick]

This is one of the reasons why I've always recommended therapy for you. Therapists are supposed to be there to help us identify things that keep us unhappy, and then work out how to change them. You seem to have the first half of that down to a science (and more power to you), but you might be merely human after all and need a little guidance on the second half. Most of us do. You're saying now that you "hope to have a better strategy someday," but that's not going to happen if you just sit there and will it to come to you, right? Surely the scientist in you can recognize that. :-)

*ding* *ding* What Jae said. =)

Re: Plain truth

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

I recognize some of what she's doing... and she does it adroitly. Writes well, too. (admiring smile)

Re: Plain truth

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

"Look how smart I am that I've figured out my strategies! Now it's up to you to change your behaviour to accommodate them."

Which isn't just... not fair to them, granted.

At the same time, when confronted with hostile groups, the "I'll beat myself up so you'll all lose interest and move on to more amusing prey" tactic still works in some situations. It is/was a schoolyard survival measure... and hence is bonded to some very deep reactions. Hard to eradicate those when I can't figure out what to put in their place... try to trash the other side instead? Run away? Seem to ignore it while quietly plotting revenge? Those responses are not self-abusive, but I'm not sure that they make me a better or more interesting person.

need a little guidance on the second half.

I used to have a therapist, actually, up until a year ago. I was authorized for counselling originally because of nominal low-level anxiety when things were at their worst between myself and patgreene. After two years, I was told that I could no longer be seen... I was "one of the most functional people we've met", "You have social issues, but they fall into the category of self-improvement, not mental illness," and "Without a parity diagnosis, which you don't have, your insurance will no longer cover further visits." I was told that I was still welcome to schedule further visits -- at $180 out-of-pocket weekly. Not having an extra $10K/year to spend on it, I dropped further counselling at that point.

Not that I couldn't use some guidance on the second half... but, at least in the US, getting it is prohibitively expensive. So I rely on informal feedback, discussions with friends, and contemplation.

you're explaining how lousy a time you had at an event after having refrained from mentioning this while it was going on

Ah... but in that case, complaining at the event might offend my hosts and seem ungrateful. While typically the hosts won't notice or be pointed to read my online venting afterward, especially if I'm not blaming them.

avoid your entire journal in case I might run into one

Hmmm... would some kind of drama/personal-musings-filter help?

why I stick around, albeit at a safe distance

Which I greatly appreciate. Apart from missing you as a person if you left, a good editor (or external reviewer) is precious ;-).