As an aside

[jay]

If getting laid was a priority of mine, I wouldn't dare to voice public opinions that I know might alienate some potential (or even current) partners...

If you're wondering what I'm talking about, it isn't worth your time...

Comments

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Not that I could blame you, love, as you've been faithful through crises and various rough spots. You don't wear down easily... but at the same time, you (and others) shouldn't have to bear that burden.

Sometimes I say or do things that I know will draw some criticism or portay myself in a negative light... this has a filtering effect. Those who know me reasonably well, or who are determined to see past the smokescreen, can usually see past that level of obfuscation. Those people who were only tangentially interested or mildly interested in me as a person will typically back away at those times. In careful moderation, this can be a useful strategy for maximizing quality of friends and contacts while keeping their numbers manageable. Plus no one can claim that I oversold them on my virtues... people generally like me better as they know me better, given that I downplay myself initially.

When I get defensive or hurt, though, moderation disappears. If people are close, then I'm vulnerable, then I can be hurt worse. One response is to do or say things that will drive people away, including my friends and beloveds -- after all, if I'm universally disliked and reviled, I'll be alone but at least I can't be hurt further by anyone then, right? I retreat to my figurative island, posting warnings and daring any others to follow me. Only a few hardy and compassionate souls manage to stay attached through those times, when they occur. And the rest of the world probably looks at you at those times and wonders about a martyr complex (as patgreene alluded). And I marvel sometimes that you believe it's worth your effort. But am grateful, nonetheless.

[geekchick]

In careful moderation, this can be a useful strategy for maximizing quality of friends and contacts while keeping their numbers manageable.

Perhaps you should work on the "careful moderation" part then, as to me it doesn't seem like that's been happening.

Plus no one can claim that I oversold them on my virtues... people generally like me better as they know me better, given that I downplay myself initially.

See, the problem here is that there are a lot of people who would probably end up being wonderful friends who just won't ever get to know you better because you make it so hard for them. You know I love you dearly, but to be completely honest, if my first introduction to you had been in the context of the polyamory thread, or the sfbay-poly drama, I'm pretty sure that I would've just written you off as not worth the effort of getting to know. First impressions really do make a difference in whether someone feels inclined to make the effort to know you better, and the one you would've made on me with those arguments would not have been favorable. (They still drive me up the freakin' wall, but at least I know that there are a lot of other things about you that I love.) If your presentation would've discouraged me from getting to know you, think about how many other people who would be equally steadfast friends or lovers might have encountered the same thing.

Augh, late for work, will try to continue this later.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

it doesn't seem like that's been happening

In the past few months, it hasn't worked well... before then, it seemed useful.

who would probably end up being wonderful friends who just won't ever get to know you better

Proving a negative is hard... it's hard to mourn the loss of friendships of people I never knew, it seems like an abstraction. Losing existing friends, or losing opportunities to get closer to them, feels real.

First impressions really do make a difference in whether someone feels inclined to make the effort to know you better

Perversely, this has become a disincentive to change... or at least neutral. Taking you at face value, I've presumably already made a bad first impression all around this community. Since this will stick for years to come, it's then too late for any change to positively affect my prospects. And even if I strove mightily, it would never be enough to satisfy my harshest critics. So, I would have little remaining to lose in that area...

long and rambling

[geekchick]

Taking you at face value, I've presumably already made a bad first impression all around this community. Since this will stick for years to come, it's then too late for any change to positively affect my prospects. And even if I strove mightily, it would never be enough to satisfy my harshest critics.

It's never too late to not make things any worse. :-P People can and do change, I think most folks realize that. A lot of the frustration with you I think comes from the fact that even when it's obvious a behavior is causing problems, you don't appear to make much effort to do things differently. Now I know that you have, in fact, made some effort on this front, but I don't think a lot of it it would necessarily be obvious to people who don't spend as much time talking with you or aren't as close to you. The bit I quoted above sounds to me like a case of "yeah, but..."; ("X makes me miserable." "Okay, so why don't you try Y?" "Can't/Don't wanna do Y because Z.") I'm not saying anyone expects you, nor should you expect yourself, to completely change the way you present yourself overnight, that's not possible. I also know that it's hard work; I've had to do similar work myself in the past (and need to do some more, honestly, as I'm slipping back into flake mode recently). Trust me when I say that the work I put in to change some of my social behavior patterns that were causing me problems paid off, because these days I count some really faboo people as friends who probably wouldn't have wanted to come within 10 feet of me when I was still indulging in my previous drama queen behavior. I should note that part of what helped as well might've been disconnecting mostly from the social circle I was previously in; I still am friendly with people who were/are part of that circle, but it's not my primary focus for social interaction any more. The local poly community is hardly the be all and end all of social interaction in your area, I'm pretty sure; maybe you could try a bit of a fresh start too and branch out a bit, in which case being aware of and working to eliminate some of those behaviors which consistently seem to rub so many people completely the wrong way would be a good thing.