Pardon my whinging, here... but if I had a social life, I doubt I'd be on LJ at 9:30pm on a summer Saturday night. Nothing to do otherwise, other than (as suggested by patgreene) fold laundry. Sigh.
Forgive me if this is too bold on my part, but at least the first paragraph seems to be describing something that is Not Your Problem. I understand that some people feel abandoned when left alone, but it seems that Pat has the choice of either feeling abandoned or coming along with you. To me it seems like it would make the most sense for you to go out when you want to go out, invite her along when you want to invite her along, and let her work on her abandonment issues if she chooses to stay home alone. It doesn't sound fun for her (and possibly not for you, at least not at first), but it does sound like the best solution in the long run.
As for going alone deterring you from going to some events, that sounds like something *you* can work on. What is it that's deterring you, and what plans can you put into play to keep those things from being such a big deal?
Another thing to keep in mind is that it might be harder for Pat to constantly read in your journal how bored you are staying home with her than it would be to be left alone on the evenings you feel like going out. I won't speak for Pat, but I would certainly feel like that if I were in her place. (You might want to ask her.)
Pat hasn't responded here, but everything I've said was discussed previously yesterday between us... this wasn't an indirect communication attempt, prone as I may be to it sometimes.
And it's at least as much my whinging about a lack of anything going on last night... as far as Pat's concerned, I could have left here after 8:30pm -- but there was nowhere to go, no local friends that weren't already occupied, no backup plans on my part (or plans at all), hence boredom and laundry. My own fault...
Bold? No, and I'd much rather hear you even it it was too bold.
A do-my-thing approach is possibly the cleanest and simplest, long-term... but there have been times when I'm not certain that our relationship would have survived if we both hadn't been willing to compromise. And I have to put the kids' needs before mine. It becomes My Problem if by pursuing my desires or wants, I trigger emotional responses in others that then cause dissension or hurt between us. And which then leads the other person(s) to do things which are inimical to my perceived self-interest, or to some community interest. Thorny...
As far as going out alone... that's tied up in my own issues, my self-assessments that I'm not sufficiently interesting or attractive to justify my own presence at gatherings or events. If the proportion of existing friends dips below about 25-35% of the total, then I need a "safety net", someone that I know will accept me if I'm feeling left out or rejected. It helps if this is a designated person, like a date. In contrast, even if I'm restless and bored while on business trips, I won't go out alone -- not even to the hotel bar -- because I don't know anyone there.
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Date: 2003-08-17 11:53 am (UTC)As for going alone deterring you from going to some events, that sounds like something *you* can work on. What is it that's deterring you, and what plans can you put into play to keep those things from being such a big deal?
-J
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Date: 2003-08-17 11:59 am (UTC)-J
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Date: 2003-08-17 02:58 pm (UTC)And it's at least as much my whinging about a lack of anything going on last night... as far as Pat's concerned, I could have left here after 8:30pm -- but there was nowhere to go, no local friends that weren't already occupied, no backup plans on my part (or plans at all), hence boredom and laundry. My own fault...
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Date: 2003-08-17 03:27 pm (UTC)A do-my-thing approach is possibly the cleanest and simplest, long-term... but there have been times when I'm not certain that our relationship would have survived if we both hadn't been willing to compromise. And I have to put the kids' needs before mine. It becomes My Problem if by pursuing my desires or wants, I trigger emotional responses in others that then cause dissension or hurt between us. And which then leads the other person(s) to do things which are inimical to my perceived self-interest, or to some community interest. Thorny...
As far as going out alone... that's tied up in my own issues, my self-assessments that I'm not sufficiently interesting or attractive to justify my own presence at gatherings or events. If the proportion of existing friends dips below about 25-35% of the total, then I need a "safety net", someone that I know will accept me if I'm feeling left out or rejected. It helps if this is a designated person, like a date. In contrast, even if I'm restless and bored while on business trips, I won't go out alone -- not even to the hotel bar -- because I don't know anyone there.