Pardon my whinging, here... but if I had a social life, I doubt I'd be on LJ at 9:30pm on a summer Saturday night. Nothing to do otherwise, other than (as suggested by patgreene) fold laundry. Sigh.
I'm home at 9:30. I didn't know there was anything else going on. At any rate, it doesn't mean I have no social life. And I know you know about social events -- at least, most of the ones I do. Maybe there's just not much up tonight. There was a poly barbecue earlier today (it was advertised on the events list) but I'm conserving energy. Did you not want to attend that?
I was waiting around in case a friend needed moving help, heard nothing, took a nap, then went grocery shopping around the time of that BBQ. Sigh. Now the kids are in bed, I'm free... but there's nothing going on...
Whew. It turns out that I was lucky that I didn't go to that BBQ, or even to nex0s's brunch today... given who else was in attendance at each event. Saved by the laundry...
um... sounds like all the cool people are folding laundry and sorting sox tonite. I know I am. :) There is nothing all that sacred about Saturday night, is there?
I suppose that we're culturally used to Saturday being the night to be social and to go out... tied to old workweek patterns (people got paid cash at the end of the week, which used to end Saturday noon) as well as the notion that one was supposed to be well-behaved on Sunday (and repent then for what one had done the night before, perhaps ;).
Four loads all folded and put away here... but there's another basket full of socks.
Actually, there was a tug-of-war internally here... I wanted to go to a BBQ/hot tub gathering (see mactavish's comment), Pat didn't want to go out anywhere (she's much more of a homebody and introvert than I've become over time), so stalemate. Hence laundry... but I'm glad to virtually share the task with you all (smile).
If I were in your situation, I would just start going places without patgreene. That way she gets the at-home time she needs and you get the social stuff you need.
I understand, I sit home on Friday and Saturday nights often bored. If I wasn't so shy about asking for rides or lived so far from people there are things I could do..
I take responsibility for my own isolation -- I'm bad at pre-planning a social calendar -- but there are other salient issues here. Like what does one do if one partner likes to cocoon at home, while the other would prefer to go dancing or to a party? Consistently?
That's a hard one, I'd like to think if I drove I'd go out to the social events on my own once the kids had dinner. But, that hasn't convenced me to drive yet... So I try not to complain about the isolation (not very good at NOT complaining).
If I could get a ride, I'd talk to my partners and make sure it was ok for me to leave, and go without them. It's harder to pre-plan this way, exspecially if you want to make sure the kids are settled down so your lovely lady doesn't have to worry there.
As a practical matter, this means that I can't leave the house (with or without Pat) until 8:30pm on any given evening. With a few negotiated exceptions. So events that happen between 4-8pm are usually a no-go.
and cash in on that "hey, aren't we doing dinner sometime?" invite. Cause see, I'm really bad at this whole pre-planning thing too and I sure don't mind doing things last minute.
Drives some people nuts though.
And considering that I work Sat & Sun (blah), my laundry has been abandoned outside on the drying rack. Especially after one of the cats got out the last time I brought some of it in... I suppose at some point I ought to bring it in. Whether or not I actually *fold* it is another matter.
Left outside for too long, blowing dust will render it wash-worthy again...
I'm usually unwilling to call people at the last minute, even those I know well, because I worry that they'll think I'm taking them for granted (or take offense that I'm assuming that they're equally socially unpopular, and hence available to hang out with me with little notice).
I make my own plans, for example, the two week road trip I just took with a friend while 98 stayed home.
I try to make sure my sweetie is taken care of and he understands my wanderlust but does not share it. He makes his own plans for the time I am away as well. Most of the time is works out, but not always. This last trip I took was right after another one that was for 'business' and the house was torn apart from redoing my office and he had a bit of a hard time. Gosh, I felt awful and wished I had arranged more help for him but hindsight is 20/20. Things seem to be getting back to normal and he has bounced back.
I've seen you post about this before. I'm not quite clear on why you don't have a fall back position for these situations, like a reading a book, or grabbing a video, etc. Maybe I am misunderstanding something. You seem to plan so well for contingencies in your professional life and most of your personal life execpt time alone at home.
Sometimes I wish the workweek were longer... there, I feel in charge of myself, competent, capable and I have a track record of accomplishments. At home, I'm often sitting on my hands... when I'm not doing housework or home-improvement (like the kitchen renovation last month). Home/social planning is my lowest priority, after work plans and obligations to others ( school projects with the kids, helping friends) so it often never gets done.
reading a book, or grabbing a video
I suppose I should... I've essentially stopped reading fiction over the past few years, and I only go to movies as a social experience. I'd be quite happy if our TV went kaput. Most forms of solitary home entertainment seem like timesinks, with little gain...
The ability to spend time by one's self relaxing is quite a useful one. Very good for one's mind/body/spirit. You might want to consider cultivating it. Just an idea. It took me quite a while to gain that and it has been well worth it.YMMV
I think I've probably asked this before, but remind me: Was there a reason why you couldn't go dancing or to a party, and leave your partner cocooning at home? Consistently?
One of the things I love about polyamory is that it promotes a certain kind of independence. I'd like to think that I could have eventually had that in my relationships if I'd stuck with monogamy, but I think it would have been an even harder battle.
Abandonment issues, mostly. It scrapes just as much to be left alone at home while one's partner is out merrymaking as it does to feel trapped and isolated at home, fretting to go out. If I go out alone, Pat will feel lonely and abandoned in varying degrees. She's a good sport about it, and sometimes I'll go out anyway, but it's still there as an undercurrent. That's not always enough to keep me at home, but it usually does. And sometimes she'll go with me, despite her preferences.
Poly-wise, neither of us have any sweeties within 1500 miles, so there's no way to trade-off (i.e., partner X comes over for the evening while I'm out). This also means that when I go out, it's likewise usually alone, which deters me from going to some events.
Forgive me if this is too bold on my part, but at least the first paragraph seems to be describing something that is Not Your Problem. I understand that some people feel abandoned when left alone, but it seems that Pat has the choice of either feeling abandoned or coming along with you. To me it seems like it would make the most sense for you to go out when you want to go out, invite her along when you want to invite her along, and let her work on her abandonment issues if she chooses to stay home alone. It doesn't sound fun for her (and possibly not for you, at least not at first), but it does sound like the best solution in the long run.
As for going alone deterring you from going to some events, that sounds like something *you* can work on. What is it that's deterring you, and what plans can you put into play to keep those things from being such a big deal?
Another thing to keep in mind is that it might be harder for Pat to constantly read in your journal how bored you are staying home with her than it would be to be left alone on the evenings you feel like going out. I won't speak for Pat, but I would certainly feel like that if I were in her place. (You might want to ask her.)
Pat hasn't responded here, but everything I've said was discussed previously yesterday between us... this wasn't an indirect communication attempt, prone as I may be to it sometimes.
And it's at least as much my whinging about a lack of anything going on last night... as far as Pat's concerned, I could have left here after 8:30pm -- but there was nowhere to go, no local friends that weren't already occupied, no backup plans on my part (or plans at all), hence boredom and laundry. My own fault...
Bold? No, and I'd much rather hear you even it it was too bold.
A do-my-thing approach is possibly the cleanest and simplest, long-term... but there have been times when I'm not certain that our relationship would have survived if we both hadn't been willing to compromise. And I have to put the kids' needs before mine. It becomes My Problem if by pursuing my desires or wants, I trigger emotional responses in others that then cause dissension or hurt between us. And which then leads the other person(s) to do things which are inimical to my perceived self-interest, or to some community interest. Thorny...
As far as going out alone... that's tied up in my own issues, my self-assessments that I'm not sufficiently interesting or attractive to justify my own presence at gatherings or events. If the proportion of existing friends dips below about 25-35% of the total, then I need a "safety net", someone that I know will accept me if I'm feeling left out or rejected. It helps if this is a designated person, like a date. In contrast, even if I'm restless and bored while on business trips, I won't go out alone -- not even to the hotel bar -- because I don't know anyone there.
Like what does one do if one partner likes to cocoon at home, while the other would prefer to go dancing or to a party? Consistently?
Around here, one compromises. Sometimes the partner who'd rather go out frequently goes out by themselves or with someone else, sometimes they stay home and spend an evening with the partner who'd rather not go out. And sometimes the partner who generally stays home compromises and goes out for an evening.
That's what happens here, mostly. Although it requires much negotiation... there are activities and events that I'd like that I don't even bring up -- because they aren't worth the negotiation overhead. Or my potentially having to pass up something more interesting two weeks later because it's then my turn to compromise. Self-censorship, of a sort... and picking the right mood and time to suggest some activity is critical, IMO.
One of the hardest things for me, lately, is that I'm tired in the evening, and even if I can drive to something, I'm often too tired to drive home. So as often as not these days, I don't go to a social event unless I have a reliable ride home, especially if it's deyo or joedecker -- but that too is very much my problem. It's not either of their jobs to be my chauffeur.
hmm..all the cool people wee home folding laundry on a saturday night. i guess i'm not that cool. my laundry was all folded and put away on tuesday and i went to a party last night.
damned if you do...damned if you don't. will i ever be cool! ;)
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no subject
Date: 2003-08-16 10:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-08-16 10:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-08-17 04:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-08-16 10:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-08-16 10:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-08-16 10:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-08-16 10:18 pm (UTC)Which I am just as much not doing as y'all aren't folding laundry. ;)
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Date: 2003-08-16 10:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-08-16 11:02 pm (UTC)I know I am.
:)
There is nothing all that sacred about Saturday night, is there?
no subject
Date: 2003-08-16 11:04 pm (UTC)And Meat Loaf wonders whatever happened to it.
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Date: 2003-08-16 11:13 pm (UTC)Four loads all folded and put away here... but there's another basket full of socks.
Actually, there was a tug-of-war internally here... I wanted to go to a BBQ/hot tub gathering (see
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Date: 2003-08-18 08:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-08-17 12:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-08-17 02:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-08-17 01:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-08-17 02:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-08-17 04:08 am (UTC)If I could get a ride, I'd talk to my partners and make sure it was ok for me to leave, and go without them. It's harder to pre-plan this way, exspecially if you want to make sure the kids are settled down so your lovely lady doesn't have to worry there.
no subject
Date: 2003-08-17 02:39 pm (UTC)As a practical matter, this means that I can't leave the house (with or without Pat) until 8:30pm on any given evening. With a few negotiated exceptions. So events that happen between 4-8pm are usually a no-go.
no subject
Date: 2003-08-18 03:33 am (UTC)Then you call me
Date: 2003-08-17 06:28 am (UTC)Drives some people nuts though.
And considering that I work Sat & Sun (blah), my laundry has been abandoned outside on the drying rack. Especially after one of the cats got out the last time I brought some of it in... I suppose at some point I ought to bring it in. Whether or not I actually *fold* it is another matter.
Re: Then you call me
Date: 2003-08-17 02:43 pm (UTC)I'm usually unwilling to call people at the last minute, even those I know well, because I worry that they'll think I'm taking them for granted (or take offense that I'm assuming that they're equally socially unpopular, and hence available to hang out with me with little notice).
And dinner would be fun...
no subject
Date: 2003-08-17 06:32 am (UTC)I try to make sure my sweetie is taken care of and he understands my wanderlust but does not share it. He makes his own plans for the time I am away as well. Most of the time is works out, but not always. This last trip I took was right after another one that was for 'business' and the house was torn apart from redoing my office and he had a bit of a hard time. Gosh, I felt awful and wished I had arranged more help for him but hindsight is 20/20. Things seem to be getting back to normal and he has bounced back.
I've seen you post about this before. I'm not quite clear on why you don't have a fall back position for these situations, like a reading a book, or grabbing a video, etc. Maybe I am misunderstanding something. You seem to plan so well for contingencies in your professional life and most of your personal life execpt time alone at home.
no subject
Date: 2003-08-17 02:52 pm (UTC)reading a book, or grabbing a video
I suppose I should... I've essentially stopped reading fiction over the past few years, and I only go to movies as a social experience. I'd be quite happy if our TV went kaput. Most forms of solitary home entertainment seem like timesinks, with little gain...
no subject
Date: 2003-08-17 03:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-08-17 06:54 am (UTC)One of the things I love about polyamory is that it promotes a certain kind of independence. I'd like to think that I could have eventually had that in my relationships if I'd stuck with monogamy, but I think it would have been an even harder battle.
-J
no subject
Date: 2003-08-17 11:33 am (UTC)Poly-wise, neither of us have any sweeties within 1500 miles, so there's no way to trade-off (i.e., partner X comes over for the evening while I'm out). This also means that when I go out, it's likewise usually alone, which deters me from going to some events.
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Date: 2003-08-17 11:53 am (UTC)As for going alone deterring you from going to some events, that sounds like something *you* can work on. What is it that's deterring you, and what plans can you put into play to keep those things from being such a big deal?
-J
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Date: 2003-08-17 11:59 am (UTC)-J
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Date: 2003-08-17 02:58 pm (UTC)And it's at least as much my whinging about a lack of anything going on last night... as far as Pat's concerned, I could have left here after 8:30pm -- but there was nowhere to go, no local friends that weren't already occupied, no backup plans on my part (or plans at all), hence boredom and laundry. My own fault...
no subject
Date: 2003-08-17 03:27 pm (UTC)A do-my-thing approach is possibly the cleanest and simplest, long-term... but there have been times when I'm not certain that our relationship would have survived if we both hadn't been willing to compromise. And I have to put the kids' needs before mine. It becomes My Problem if by pursuing my desires or wants, I trigger emotional responses in others that then cause dissension or hurt between us. And which then leads the other person(s) to do things which are inimical to my perceived self-interest, or to some community interest. Thorny...
As far as going out alone... that's tied up in my own issues, my self-assessments that I'm not sufficiently interesting or attractive to justify my own presence at gatherings or events. If the proportion of existing friends dips below about 25-35% of the total, then I need a "safety net", someone that I know will accept me if I'm feeling left out or rejected. It helps if this is a designated person, like a date. In contrast, even if I'm restless and bored while on business trips, I won't go out alone -- not even to the hotel bar -- because I don't know anyone there.
no subject
Date: 2003-08-17 07:42 am (UTC)Around here, one compromises. Sometimes the partner who'd rather go out frequently goes out by themselves or with someone else, sometimes they stay home and spend an evening with the partner who'd rather not go out. And sometimes the partner who generally stays home compromises and goes out for an evening.
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Date: 2003-08-17 02:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-08-17 04:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-08-17 11:04 am (UTC)I stay home.
No biggie.
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Date: 2003-08-17 02:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-08-17 03:50 pm (UTC)damned if you do...damned if you don't. will i ever be cool! ;)
no subject
Date: 2003-08-17 03:56 pm (UTC)