Jekyll/Hyde
Aug. 18th, 2003 12:25 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jayA few realizations, today, largely unrelated.
For some combination of reasons, I've been depressed, almost despondent at times, since we got back Friday evening. And this has spun off my usual depression-parasitic reactions... increased insecurity, defiance, self-putdowns, clingyness. Strangely, my spirits were hugely lifted in a Krispy Kreme shop tonight when the counter guy handed me a warm doughnut... "you look like you could use this." Not on my waistline, perhaps, but that little act of kindness brought me out of a funk. Thankfully, my down periods rarely persist for more than a few days, and soon I'll be back at work (which tends to drag me out of a hole).
At work I feel in charge of myself, competent, capable and I have a track record of accomplishments. Self-confidence. I know my value, and can measure my past impact in a couple of fields. And I enjoy it -- I feel passionately about what I do, and learn. All of those things collude to bring me up and make me fully-functional again.
Personally or socially... I feel adrift, incompetent, and fairly unattractive. Like I have no accomplishments, and nothing much to offer personally. Left idle at home, or without positive external social reinforcement, I'll tend to damp down and gnaw on myself. And I'm not fishing for compliments here... I'm stating my mindset, whether or not it matches reality. One reason that I avoid planning a social calendar during the workweek is that subconsciously I associate it with this mindset. Brian-the-scientist doesn't want to think about turning back into Brian-the-geek, come Friday evening, or the possibilities for failure and rejection therein. Kind of a Jekyll/Hyde flip... and at the same time, I feel internally compelled to go out and find friends and be social. I can't just hide away until Monday morning.
Another realization, coming out of a 2-hour-long chat with my dear friend EA, is that my courting behaviors, manners, and attitudes are much closer to what girls are apparently taught than boys. I wait for the other person to make the first move. I dislike pursuing... I worry about harrassing or annoying women if I show much interest. I'd much rather wait until someone shows some signs of interest, then reciprocate. All of my five past-and-present sweeties kissed me first, probably after running out of patience (wry smile).patgreene claims that I moved first, but she's wrong ;-).
The same thing is true of casual touching... even with partners or close friends. I don't want to seem forward, or make the other person uncomfortable. I almost never reach for anyone. If someone takes my hand, fine, then I can safely assume that that level of touch is welcomed from then onward. But if I touch a woman who doesn't want my touch, I'm a bad person, a boor.
Even in the bedroom... I'm reluctant to be demanding or to impose anything on my partners... so I don't approach my partners unless they first seem interested themselves. Even if I'm really frustrated, myself. Unless I'm running out of time on an LDR visit... (reminisce).
Inculcated belief structure: approaching is aggressive. Aggression is bad...
EA's response was that she was confused, that these are things that women are often taught in this culture... and teasingly asked me what gender I was born ;-).
For some combination of reasons, I've been depressed, almost despondent at times, since we got back Friday evening. And this has spun off my usual depression-parasitic reactions... increased insecurity, defiance, self-putdowns, clingyness. Strangely, my spirits were hugely lifted in a Krispy Kreme shop tonight when the counter guy handed me a warm doughnut... "you look like you could use this." Not on my waistline, perhaps, but that little act of kindness brought me out of a funk. Thankfully, my down periods rarely persist for more than a few days, and soon I'll be back at work (which tends to drag me out of a hole).
At work I feel in charge of myself, competent, capable and I have a track record of accomplishments. Self-confidence. I know my value, and can measure my past impact in a couple of fields. And I enjoy it -- I feel passionately about what I do, and learn. All of those things collude to bring me up and make me fully-functional again.
Personally or socially... I feel adrift, incompetent, and fairly unattractive. Like I have no accomplishments, and nothing much to offer personally. Left idle at home, or without positive external social reinforcement, I'll tend to damp down and gnaw on myself. And I'm not fishing for compliments here... I'm stating my mindset, whether or not it matches reality. One reason that I avoid planning a social calendar during the workweek is that subconsciously I associate it with this mindset. Brian-the-scientist doesn't want to think about turning back into Brian-the-geek, come Friday evening, or the possibilities for failure and rejection therein. Kind of a Jekyll/Hyde flip... and at the same time, I feel internally compelled to go out and find friends and be social. I can't just hide away until Monday morning.
Another realization, coming out of a 2-hour-long chat with my dear friend EA, is that my courting behaviors, manners, and attitudes are much closer to what girls are apparently taught than boys. I wait for the other person to make the first move. I dislike pursuing... I worry about harrassing or annoying women if I show much interest. I'd much rather wait until someone shows some signs of interest, then reciprocate. All of my five past-and-present sweeties kissed me first, probably after running out of patience (wry smile).
patgreene claims that I moved first, but she's wrong ;-). The same thing is true of casual touching... even with partners or close friends. I don't want to seem forward, or make the other person uncomfortable. I almost never reach for anyone. If someone takes my hand, fine, then I can safely assume that that level of touch is welcomed from then onward. But if I touch a woman who doesn't want my touch, I'm a bad person, a boor.
Even in the bedroom... I'm reluctant to be demanding or to impose anything on my partners... so I don't approach my partners unless they first seem interested themselves. Even if I'm really frustrated, myself. Unless I'm running out of time on an LDR visit... (reminisce).
Inculcated belief structure: approaching is aggressive. Aggression is bad...
EA's response was that she was confused, that these are things that women are often taught in this culture... and teasingly asked me what gender I was born ;-).
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no subject
Date: 2003-08-20 12:16 am (UTC)Good point, probably valid, although Japanese culture wouldn't find it strange... gift etiquette reflects social status and obligation. But often recognizes what is, rather than creating it.
allowing you to give them a gift
This is a hard concept for me to grasp. If it's a gift, why do they not freely accept (rather than allow) it? Else if it's to my benefit, then "allow" makes sense. The concept of mutual, balanced benefit seems strange. Other than deal-making, say, again in a work context. Maybe it's driven by low self-esteem... I don't see what I'm giving to them as of value, so I don't expect them to value it, therefore imbalance and a debt incurred.
You give, but with the expectation of NEGATIVE return (that your gift is not a gift, but instead is a burden on them
I suppose that that's better than the expectation of positive return (i.e., that I'm a benefit to them and that they'll then owe me for my attentions). But neutral-return sounds smoother, albeit still a mental jump. I'd have to actually assume that other people liked my company, for instance ;-).
no subject
Date: 2003-08-20 08:56 pm (UTC)Good point, probably valid, although Japanese culture wouldn't find it strange...
No, they wouldn't. But you are living neither in Japan, nor in the US Southern states. Therefore, it's probably in your best interests to learn how to relate to the people you ARE living amongst.
If it's a gift, why do they not freely accept (rather than allow) it?
They could refuse. The options to a request (or in this case an offer) being Yes, No, or Counteroffer. I think you're seizing on the word "allow" a bit more literally than I meant it here, as well.
I don't see what I'm giving to them as of value, so I don't expect them to value it, therefore imbalance and a debt incurred.
Yes, exactly my point. You need to learn to better value yourself, and the things you have to offer. (She says, fully aware of the words "pot" "kettle" and "black" lurking in the back of her head!)
I'd have to actually assume that other people liked my company, for instance ;-).
Brian, do you have ANY IDEA how busy my schedule is? It's not as outside-impacted as yours, but it's pretty busy. If I wanted to go searching them out, I could probably line up lunch dates every day of the week (though then I wouldn't get anything else done). If I didn't enjoy your company, I ASSURE you I would not still be having lunch with you. It's not JUST because you take me to sushi, you know. ;^) I'm certainly not doing it simply because I "like a challenge" or am "taking pity on you" or anything silly like that. Yes, I think that there are things that I have to offer you, things that you could learn. Yes, I think that there are things about you that can be downright annoying. But those things are true in reverse as well--YOU have things to teach me, and *I* can be downright annoying! A good relationship--whether that's a love relationship, familial one, work relationship, or friendship--is based on a dance between the partners, on give-and-take, on mutual respect. You have a number of good qualities to offer that might make a person actually enjoy your company. (This sucking hole where your self-esteem should be, OTOH, is not one of them.) The moment you can convince yourself that you are good company, you will be.
no subject
Date: 2003-08-22 01:34 am (UTC)Actually, I have some vague idea (from past conversations). And I have no doubt that, if you chose, you could line up lunch (and dinner ;) dates for every day of the week! I don't deserve your company... but neither do you deserve mine. None of us do, actually, we're all gifts to one another. IMO that's true for our partners, friends, and our children. Gifts without attached tallies or price tags. Or bills due ;).
And I have no doubt, intellectually, that I have many good qualities, things that would benefit others. The original comment ...actually assume that other people liked my company, for instance ;-). with a wink was a comment on the disconnect between what I think and my default reactions, and the difficulty of reprogramming them.