Jekyll/Hyde

[jay]

A few realizations, today, largely unrelated.

For some combination of reasons, I've been depressed, almost despondent at times, since we got back Friday evening. And this has spun off my usual depression-parasitic reactions... increased insecurity, defiance, self-putdowns, clingyness. Strangely, my spirits were hugely lifted in a Krispy Kreme shop tonight when the counter guy handed me a warm doughnut... "you look like you could use this." Not on my waistline, perhaps, but that little act of kindness brought me out of a funk. Thankfully, my down periods rarely persist for more than a few days, and soon I'll be back at work (which tends to drag me out of a hole).

At work I feel in charge of myself, competent, capable and I have a track record of accomplishments. Self-confidence. I know my value, and can measure my past impact in a couple of fields. And I enjoy it -- I feel passionately about what I do, and learn. All of those things collude to bring me up and make me fully-functional again.

Personally or socially... I feel adrift, incompetent, and fairly unattractive. Like I have no accomplishments, and nothing much to offer personally. Left idle at home, or without positive external social reinforcement, I'll tend to damp down and gnaw on myself. And I'm not fishing for compliments here... I'm stating my mindset, whether or not it matches reality. One reason that I avoid planning a social calendar during the workweek is that subconsciously I associate it with this mindset. Brian-the-scientist doesn't want to think about turning back into Brian-the-geek, come Friday evening, or the possibilities for failure and rejection therein. Kind of a Jekyll/Hyde flip... and at the same time, I feel internally compelled to go out and find friends and be social. I can't just hide away until Monday morning.

Another realization, coming out of a 2-hour-long chat with my dear friend EA, is that my courting behaviors, manners, and attitudes are much closer to what girls are apparently taught than boys. I wait for the other person to make the first move. I dislike pursuing... I worry about harrassing or annoying women if I show much interest. I'd much rather wait until someone shows some signs of interest, then reciprocate. All of my five past-and-present sweeties kissed me first, probably after running out of patience (wry smile). patgreene claims that I moved first, but she's wrong ;-).

The same thing is true of casual touching... even with partners or close friends. I don't want to seem forward, or make the other person uncomfortable. I almost never reach for anyone. If someone takes my hand, fine, then I can safely assume that that level of touch is welcomed from then onward. But if I touch a woman who doesn't want my touch, I'm a bad person, a boor.

Even in the bedroom... I'm reluctant to be demanding or to impose anything on my partners... so I don't approach my partners unless they first seem interested themselves. Even if I'm really frustrated, myself. Unless I'm running out of time on an LDR visit... (reminisce).

Inculcated belief structure: approaching is aggressive. Aggression is bad...

EA's response was that she was confused, that these are things that women are often taught in this culture... and teasingly asked me what gender I was born ;-).

Comments

jeckle and Hyde moments

[p3aches.livejournal.com]

Many hugs. Sometimes the best comfort for these jeckle and Hyde moments is a long cuddle. I volenteer. T

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

I am familiar with a lot of these feelings, and for what it's worth, this post strikes me as much less self-pitying than others you've posted about the same topic. I think that's a hopeful sign. Best of luck. (I am not convinced about the gender thing, but that probably doesn't surprise anyone. :-)

[dawnd.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I'm sorry you're feeling depressed. Once you get your travel schedule figured out, call or e-mail and we can set up a time to have lunch.

I'm certain you were born male, but I'm also clear that you were enculturated as a wimp/geek/bully-target in the south, where the only "acceptable" way to be "a man" is to be a very particular kind of strong. What you were taught (in the social arena) is how to be submissive. Of course, this will look like female behavior to many folks, because almost ALL women in our culture are taught how to be submissive.

The trick for you, I think, will be seeing how you can extend your naturally more forward/aggressive/dominant behavior at work into your social life. Not that you can port it all directly, of course, but there are things that you do successfully there that you could bring to bear to improve things in your social interactions, I think.


...But if I touch a woman who doesn't want my touch, I'm a bad person, a boor.

Certainly if someone said they didn't want your touch, and you continued anyway, that would be boorish. But in fact, I think you don't get to that point most of the time. You wait for their "signal," which you may or may not be capable of reading (many people do not communicate clearly in non-verbal ways). One way in which I think you could rapidly improve your interactions would be to ASK more. "Would you like a shoulder rub?" gives the intended recipient the option of choosing. Looking longingly at their shoulders but not saying anything, OTOH, might seem polite to you, but could seem creepy to them ("why is he staring at my shoulders? Do I have dandruff or something??")

You know, I think you might seriously want to consider looking into some Tantra training. One of the first things they do in many tantra classes is discuss "intentional touch," and do some work on how it feels to touch and be touched with different mindsets. How it feels different to the touchee depending on where your awareness is as you touch them--in your hand, in their hand, in your head, off in la-la-land, etc.

OK, gotta run. Feel free to ask more questions, or just ask me when we next see one another.

[firecat]

I'm stating my mindset, whether or not it matches reality.

Fair enough. I also find it useful to do the exercise of whether my mindset does match reality.

[who-is-she.livejournal.com]

ok, what you are talking about here is not being "feminine", but it's about avoiding rejection, and being very sensitive to other people's needs. Maybe TOO sensitive.

As Dawn points out, rather than completely wait for a partner's signal (and I as a female have found that the sort of signal men often need is not nearly as subtle as my usual signals. I usually have to hit them over the head with something heavy, or sharp)
:)
you could politely ask if 'this' or 'that' will be ok. THis is also a gift to that person... becuase it allows her/him to practice their boundary skills. They have to respond by saying "yes, a shoulder rub would be lovely!", or "no, that doesn't feel right at this time, but I'd like to sit and talk with you for awhile...". Giving them the opportunity to practice this skill with somone safe (becuase I think you feel like a safe guy...) is very valuable. Neither means you are being rejected: remember, whether someone wants to be touched is as much about THEM as it is about you, maybe more so.

Another thought I had was role playing: can you mutually agree with one of your existing partners that you will 'play' with the idea of you acting on your own authentic assertive/aggressive tendencies? IF done with parameters, safe words, etc... this could be safe but also allow you WITHIN PRE-ARRANGED BOUNDARIES to exercise a different side of yourself,.. the side you normally keep squelched out of fear.

Any of this helpful?
I don't know you well... but I certianly do empathize with the 'geek' mindset. I'm one too, ya know.
:)

[jemstone.livejournal.com]

A conclusion has already been reached - we often write what the other person could have.

This post hits very close to home for me, because I have been precisely where you are at. I shall decline to comment further, other than to say that I will state (even though you already have), it doesn't have to make sense - it just happens to be what's in your head. I can so totally follow this, it's eery.

-JEM

[oceansedge.livejournal.com]

Woah....... wow... lots to think about here...

I started to post a rather long and involved comment, but realized that would mean sharing some interpersonal details that aren't exclusively mine to share.

Rest assured Brian, you're hardly the only or first man (or woman for that matter) to wrestle with these kinds of issues. *gentle*hug*. A great deal of the minefield that MrCoffee@1 and myself are currently wrestling with are very related to the very issues and concerns you raise. In some ways they can and do manifest somewhat differently, sometimes no. (smiles).

I will make a couple quick suggestions.... do some web searches for resources on theories "EQ .. or Emotional Intelligence" (I don't have my tome handy to give you exact reference book names), and also on "Mind Blindness" ... especially anything by Simon Baron-Cohen, don't be thrown off too much by the discussion of autism included in discussion of Mind Blindness. (Part of a diagnosis of autism, aspergers syndrome, NLD, and PDD or any other autism spectrum disorder, includes difficulty understanding and forming social relationships).