Jekyll/Hyde
Aug. 18th, 2003 12:25 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jayA few realizations, today, largely unrelated.
For some combination of reasons, I've been depressed, almost despondent at times, since we got back Friday evening. And this has spun off my usual depression-parasitic reactions... increased insecurity, defiance, self-putdowns, clingyness. Strangely, my spirits were hugely lifted in a Krispy Kreme shop tonight when the counter guy handed me a warm doughnut... "you look like you could use this." Not on my waistline, perhaps, but that little act of kindness brought me out of a funk. Thankfully, my down periods rarely persist for more than a few days, and soon I'll be back at work (which tends to drag me out of a hole).
At work I feel in charge of myself, competent, capable and I have a track record of accomplishments. Self-confidence. I know my value, and can measure my past impact in a couple of fields. And I enjoy it -- I feel passionately about what I do, and learn. All of those things collude to bring me up and make me fully-functional again.
Personally or socially... I feel adrift, incompetent, and fairly unattractive. Like I have no accomplishments, and nothing much to offer personally. Left idle at home, or without positive external social reinforcement, I'll tend to damp down and gnaw on myself. And I'm not fishing for compliments here... I'm stating my mindset, whether or not it matches reality. One reason that I avoid planning a social calendar during the workweek is that subconsciously I associate it with this mindset. Brian-the-scientist doesn't want to think about turning back into Brian-the-geek, come Friday evening, or the possibilities for failure and rejection therein. Kind of a Jekyll/Hyde flip... and at the same time, I feel internally compelled to go out and find friends and be social. I can't just hide away until Monday morning.
Another realization, coming out of a 2-hour-long chat with my dear friend EA, is that my courting behaviors, manners, and attitudes are much closer to what girls are apparently taught than boys. I wait for the other person to make the first move. I dislike pursuing... I worry about harrassing or annoying women if I show much interest. I'd much rather wait until someone shows some signs of interest, then reciprocate. All of my five past-and-present sweeties kissed me first, probably after running out of patience (wry smile).patgreene claims that I moved first, but she's wrong ;-).
The same thing is true of casual touching... even with partners or close friends. I don't want to seem forward, or make the other person uncomfortable. I almost never reach for anyone. If someone takes my hand, fine, then I can safely assume that that level of touch is welcomed from then onward. But if I touch a woman who doesn't want my touch, I'm a bad person, a boor.
Even in the bedroom... I'm reluctant to be demanding or to impose anything on my partners... so I don't approach my partners unless they first seem interested themselves. Even if I'm really frustrated, myself. Unless I'm running out of time on an LDR visit... (reminisce).
Inculcated belief structure: approaching is aggressive. Aggression is bad...
EA's response was that she was confused, that these are things that women are often taught in this culture... and teasingly asked me what gender I was born ;-).
For some combination of reasons, I've been depressed, almost despondent at times, since we got back Friday evening. And this has spun off my usual depression-parasitic reactions... increased insecurity, defiance, self-putdowns, clingyness. Strangely, my spirits were hugely lifted in a Krispy Kreme shop tonight when the counter guy handed me a warm doughnut... "you look like you could use this." Not on my waistline, perhaps, but that little act of kindness brought me out of a funk. Thankfully, my down periods rarely persist for more than a few days, and soon I'll be back at work (which tends to drag me out of a hole).
At work I feel in charge of myself, competent, capable and I have a track record of accomplishments. Self-confidence. I know my value, and can measure my past impact in a couple of fields. And I enjoy it -- I feel passionately about what I do, and learn. All of those things collude to bring me up and make me fully-functional again.
Personally or socially... I feel adrift, incompetent, and fairly unattractive. Like I have no accomplishments, and nothing much to offer personally. Left idle at home, or without positive external social reinforcement, I'll tend to damp down and gnaw on myself. And I'm not fishing for compliments here... I'm stating my mindset, whether or not it matches reality. One reason that I avoid planning a social calendar during the workweek is that subconsciously I associate it with this mindset. Brian-the-scientist doesn't want to think about turning back into Brian-the-geek, come Friday evening, or the possibilities for failure and rejection therein. Kind of a Jekyll/Hyde flip... and at the same time, I feel internally compelled to go out and find friends and be social. I can't just hide away until Monday morning.
Another realization, coming out of a 2-hour-long chat with my dear friend EA, is that my courting behaviors, manners, and attitudes are much closer to what girls are apparently taught than boys. I wait for the other person to make the first move. I dislike pursuing... I worry about harrassing or annoying women if I show much interest. I'd much rather wait until someone shows some signs of interest, then reciprocate. All of my five past-and-present sweeties kissed me first, probably after running out of patience (wry smile).
patgreene claims that I moved first, but she's wrong ;-). The same thing is true of casual touching... even with partners or close friends. I don't want to seem forward, or make the other person uncomfortable. I almost never reach for anyone. If someone takes my hand, fine, then I can safely assume that that level of touch is welcomed from then onward. But if I touch a woman who doesn't want my touch, I'm a bad person, a boor.
Even in the bedroom... I'm reluctant to be demanding or to impose anything on my partners... so I don't approach my partners unless they first seem interested themselves. Even if I'm really frustrated, myself. Unless I'm running out of time on an LDR visit... (reminisce).
Inculcated belief structure: approaching is aggressive. Aggression is bad...
EA's response was that she was confused, that these are things that women are often taught in this culture... and teasingly asked me what gender I was born ;-).
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no subject
Date: 2003-08-20 10:16 am (UTC)This is eye-opening... You're right, I haven't accounted for changing personal boundaries or moods in my models of other people's behavior. I.e., different levels of acceptance or comfort, depending on *their* internal state at some given time. I've used a static model... either always accepting, or always rejecting, much more binary. And then the accept/reject decision would be theirs, according to how they saw me. And irrevocable afterwards, so choosing the best time and situation was critical. Maybe I'm not giving others enough credit...
If you and me and Akien and Dawn were all in a hot tub..... it would be true that I would be accepting more touch from them than I would from you.
In my usual social mindset, if I were in that hot tub situation, and if I wanted to offer a backrub, I'd probably politely hold back, possibly with the wistful-staring that
If I used a dynamic model, I'd have to ask more frequently, since answers might change from time to time according to *your* internal views and boundaries. Which means in turn that I'd have to be comfortable that I wasn't unduly offending or bothering you by asking...
others' reluctance to invite or initiate or participate with you is correlated with how well you squelch your inner assertiveness or dominating energy.
Again, on the mark. In social space, I expect people to flee if I unleash that assertiveness or energy. So I try to suppress it and maintain a polite, considerate, low-key interface with others, hoping that that will allow me to hang out with them. But I'm much more likely to let that slip online than in-person.
There may be those out there that would REVEL in your dominant, aggressive energy... given that you worked out your boundaries in advance.
Hmmm... no, that hadn't occurred to me before this thread. It seems so alien (if I put myself in their place, I'd push back reflexively against someone else's aggressive energy) that it requires a large cognitive leap for me. I'm undoubtedly guilty of projecting my own highly-control-averse response on to those around me, and consequently denying them that energy from me (because I would expect a defensive reaction).
you might heave a real sigh of relief if YOU were able to express that
Probably... it would be a relief to be less personally squelched, less carefully-filtered, and more expressive and relaxed in social spaces. And to let others tell me their boundaries, instead of feeling like I need to carefully figure them out on my own, and to assume that anything in-bounds is OK.
no subject
Date: 2003-08-20 09:41 pm (UTC)I think you may not be. We are all mutable creatures. As a recovering B&W thinker myself, I know how hard it is to start seeing--and BEHAVING--in shades of grey. But it's worth it, not to be locked into these immutable places anymore.
Probably... it would be a relief to be less personally squelched, less carefully-filtered, and more expressive and relaxed in social spaces. And to let others tell me their boundaries, instead of feeling like I need to carefully figure them out on my own, and to assume that anything in-bounds is OK.
Try it some time. I think you may like it. When you DO try it, you might want to start with a small group, and let them know that you're trying an experiment. That way, if you do something totally out of character for you, they won't be all weirded out. But I suspect that folks won't really notice, other than to notice that you're suddenly easier to be around.