Jekyll/Hyde
Aug. 18th, 2003 12:25 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jayA few realizations, today, largely unrelated.
For some combination of reasons, I've been depressed, almost despondent at times, since we got back Friday evening. And this has spun off my usual depression-parasitic reactions... increased insecurity, defiance, self-putdowns, clingyness. Strangely, my spirits were hugely lifted in a Krispy Kreme shop tonight when the counter guy handed me a warm doughnut... "you look like you could use this." Not on my waistline, perhaps, but that little act of kindness brought me out of a funk. Thankfully, my down periods rarely persist for more than a few days, and soon I'll be back at work (which tends to drag me out of a hole).
At work I feel in charge of myself, competent, capable and I have a track record of accomplishments. Self-confidence. I know my value, and can measure my past impact in a couple of fields. And I enjoy it -- I feel passionately about what I do, and learn. All of those things collude to bring me up and make me fully-functional again.
Personally or socially... I feel adrift, incompetent, and fairly unattractive. Like I have no accomplishments, and nothing much to offer personally. Left idle at home, or without positive external social reinforcement, I'll tend to damp down and gnaw on myself. And I'm not fishing for compliments here... I'm stating my mindset, whether or not it matches reality. One reason that I avoid planning a social calendar during the workweek is that subconsciously I associate it with this mindset. Brian-the-scientist doesn't want to think about turning back into Brian-the-geek, come Friday evening, or the possibilities for failure and rejection therein. Kind of a Jekyll/Hyde flip... and at the same time, I feel internally compelled to go out and find friends and be social. I can't just hide away until Monday morning.
Another realization, coming out of a 2-hour-long chat with my dear friend EA, is that my courting behaviors, manners, and attitudes are much closer to what girls are apparently taught than boys. I wait for the other person to make the first move. I dislike pursuing... I worry about harrassing or annoying women if I show much interest. I'd much rather wait until someone shows some signs of interest, then reciprocate. All of my five past-and-present sweeties kissed me first, probably after running out of patience (wry smile).patgreene claims that I moved first, but she's wrong ;-).
The same thing is true of casual touching... even with partners or close friends. I don't want to seem forward, or make the other person uncomfortable. I almost never reach for anyone. If someone takes my hand, fine, then I can safely assume that that level of touch is welcomed from then onward. But if I touch a woman who doesn't want my touch, I'm a bad person, a boor.
Even in the bedroom... I'm reluctant to be demanding or to impose anything on my partners... so I don't approach my partners unless they first seem interested themselves. Even if I'm really frustrated, myself. Unless I'm running out of time on an LDR visit... (reminisce).
Inculcated belief structure: approaching is aggressive. Aggression is bad...
EA's response was that she was confused, that these are things that women are often taught in this culture... and teasingly asked me what gender I was born ;-).
For some combination of reasons, I've been depressed, almost despondent at times, since we got back Friday evening. And this has spun off my usual depression-parasitic reactions... increased insecurity, defiance, self-putdowns, clingyness. Strangely, my spirits were hugely lifted in a Krispy Kreme shop tonight when the counter guy handed me a warm doughnut... "you look like you could use this." Not on my waistline, perhaps, but that little act of kindness brought me out of a funk. Thankfully, my down periods rarely persist for more than a few days, and soon I'll be back at work (which tends to drag me out of a hole).
At work I feel in charge of myself, competent, capable and I have a track record of accomplishments. Self-confidence. I know my value, and can measure my past impact in a couple of fields. And I enjoy it -- I feel passionately about what I do, and learn. All of those things collude to bring me up and make me fully-functional again.
Personally or socially... I feel adrift, incompetent, and fairly unattractive. Like I have no accomplishments, and nothing much to offer personally. Left idle at home, or without positive external social reinforcement, I'll tend to damp down and gnaw on myself. And I'm not fishing for compliments here... I'm stating my mindset, whether or not it matches reality. One reason that I avoid planning a social calendar during the workweek is that subconsciously I associate it with this mindset. Brian-the-scientist doesn't want to think about turning back into Brian-the-geek, come Friday evening, or the possibilities for failure and rejection therein. Kind of a Jekyll/Hyde flip... and at the same time, I feel internally compelled to go out and find friends and be social. I can't just hide away until Monday morning.
Another realization, coming out of a 2-hour-long chat with my dear friend EA, is that my courting behaviors, manners, and attitudes are much closer to what girls are apparently taught than boys. I wait for the other person to make the first move. I dislike pursuing... I worry about harrassing or annoying women if I show much interest. I'd much rather wait until someone shows some signs of interest, then reciprocate. All of my five past-and-present sweeties kissed me first, probably after running out of patience (wry smile).
patgreene claims that I moved first, but she's wrong ;-). The same thing is true of casual touching... even with partners or close friends. I don't want to seem forward, or make the other person uncomfortable. I almost never reach for anyone. If someone takes my hand, fine, then I can safely assume that that level of touch is welcomed from then onward. But if I touch a woman who doesn't want my touch, I'm a bad person, a boor.
Even in the bedroom... I'm reluctant to be demanding or to impose anything on my partners... so I don't approach my partners unless they first seem interested themselves. Even if I'm really frustrated, myself. Unless I'm running out of time on an LDR visit... (reminisce).
Inculcated belief structure: approaching is aggressive. Aggression is bad...
EA's response was that she was confused, that these are things that women are often taught in this culture... and teasingly asked me what gender I was born ;-).
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-08-20 09:34 pm (UTC)Check out this one instead. It's an overview class, giving a smattering of different techniques and teachers:
http://www.celebrationsoflove.com/new/html/descriptions/desc_festival_3.html
Look at their calendar for other classes, too.
A shame that Pat doesn't want to do the massage one with you. I think she might learn a lot of really good stuff. I was hoping that it could become something for the two of you to do TOGETHER. FWIW, I think that the "paired singles" thing on the Tantric Massage class may just mean that they will pair you up with someone. If you are registering as a couple, then you are a couple, no? I'd say CALL them, and ask this question. There's a reason I used to post all those ads on SFBayPoly about discounts for women at COL--they need them to pair up with the guys like you!
Had not previously heard of FIRO-B, no. Interesting! It does sound like you want to aim somewhere a little more middle-of-the-road as you become more assertive in your personal life, though. :^) Perhaps these two areas have been balancing each other out? Maybe as you become more assertive at "home" you'll be more able to let go of some of the strict control at work? Dunno, just musing here...
The upshot is that I wouldn't hesitate for an instant to assert my project's or team's needs, or asking for what I needed to make something work. If I get "no", I'm persistent and try five other ways of getting my requirements met. I work wonders with airlines and travel bookings, too ;-). And getting upgrades.
I'll just bet! Remind me to call on you next time I need to talk someone into giving me something. ;^)
And that is indeed the kind of persistance I'm talking about. You don't (AFAICT) get nasty, or run over these people. You just don't take no for an answer, and keep looking for ways to turn it to a yes--politely, but firmly. It was exactly that--gentle persistance--that got me to say yes to your invitations to lunch. You just need to learn to extend that skill to other areas of life.
no subject
Date: 2003-08-22 12:56 am (UTC)Maybe as you become more assertive at "home" you'll be more able to let go of some of the strict control at work?
Like anything too tightly squeezed, it leaks out in other places. Being unwilling to tolerate control at work... or overly-aggressive driving (
Airline/agent persuasion... working through three travel agents and two airline agents, I went from having a Delta flight to Washington on Sunday, to Northwest, to NW via Minneapolis, to a 3.5 hour layover in Minneapolis (lunch with Nancy!) with first-class seats. Much of it is simply knowing what to ask for, in what sequence, persistently, and being firm-but-congenial...
no subject
Date: 2003-08-22 01:00 pm (UTC)You'll have to ask them. Most of their classes are clothes-on, but not all. Ususally the ones that are clothing optional are clothing OPTIONAL--you can decide how much clothing to keep on. A massage class could be tricky in that regard, as it's much easier to do massage with no clothes on. That particular one might not be the best bet for Pat as a result. But I KNOW that there are other Tantra classes at COL that are clothing-on classes. Don't assume anything--call them and ask specific questions.