(no subject)

[jay]

Borrowed from a friend...


"If I believe that I am unworthy of being loved, then I can prevent my feelings of total devastation when I am rejected."

Yes, that's it exactly. Rules to live by. But I think if one lets go of those defenses, every oncoming rejection would be like being the proverbial deer in the headlights.

I needed to prove myself to the world in order to have value, in order to be worthy of love.

Check. Over-achievement at work, external praise, competency outside. Then see if it wins anyone's favor. Another fundamental SOP. Doesn't work in the personal realm because there's no way to prove myself worthy, no awards or merit badges. (ref: my Jekyll/Hyde thread 2 weeks ago)

Thanks to circusscreamer for the quotes (and stimulus of these insights)...

Comments

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

It isn't so much the fear of rejection, as having coping strategies. I expect rejection, and am rarely surprised as a result. And it dulls the pain if one can rationalize it away.

[sinboy.livejournal.com]

I wonder if there might be some way to have rejection stop hurting you so much.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

I don't know -- trinker has some way to avoid the "judged and found wanting" response, but it isn't apparent.

[trinker.livejournal.com]

Finding this many days later...sorry for the delay.

There are people with whom I don't match well. Sometimes, they're people that are dear to people I do match well with. I can only conclude that this person has value even if I can't see it. And that if this is so, then I must have value despite someone else finding me not to their taste.

To put into formulae:

I like A. A likes B. I don't like B. Still, because I value A and A's judgments, I conclude that there's something likable about B even if I can't see it.

Therefore, even if C doesn't like me, the fact that D does implies that there's something likable about me, even if it's not something that C values.

The idea that one can be likable to everyone...maybe some people can, but I'm not one of them. I don't aim to be so affable that I get along with everyone. I have strong opinions, and I'm okay with that, most of the time.

Make any sort of sense to you?

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Okay... that makes sense. Sort of a half-full model... D sees something worthwhile, so there must be something of value there. My model has been closer to half-empty: that if C doesn't like me, and D does, then D must be missing something that C sees (and thence, once D knows me better, they'll agree with C). So I live on an edge, wondering when friends and partners will depart.

Still... your commutative approach is interesting. There are certainly people that are liked by my friends in whom I see little attractive or interesting, and those people must have some value and redeeming virtues. Inverting that... hmm.