(no subject)

[jay]

Borrowed from a friend...


"If I believe that I am unworthy of being loved, then I can prevent my feelings of total devastation when I am rejected."

Yes, that's it exactly. Rules to live by. But I think if one lets go of those defenses, every oncoming rejection would be like being the proverbial deer in the headlights.

I needed to prove myself to the world in order to have value, in order to be worthy of love.

Check. Over-achievement at work, external praise, competency outside. Then see if it wins anyone's favor. Another fundamental SOP. Doesn't work in the personal realm because there's no way to prove myself worthy, no awards or merit badges. (ref: my Jekyll/Hyde thread 2 weeks ago)

Thanks to circusscreamer for the quotes (and stimulus of these insights)...

Comments

[minnaleigh.livejournal.com]

but I don't understand the connection between social anxiety and the strength of your relationship with Jennie... unless by doing the therapy, you gained her approval, and hence felt more secure afterward.

At its heart, social anxiety is often about the fear of rejection. The same insecurities about myself that made it difficult to meet someone new made me worry that Jennie would leave me. Being able to believe that I was fun and attractive and interesting meant that I could more easily believe Jennie wanted to be with me. Bascially it stifled the little doubts that cropped up from time-to-time. Made it easier for me to interpret tension on her part as not meaning she was at the end of her rope and ready to walk away.

You only get out of it what you put into it.

My own experience with therapy is that even that is optimistic...

Cognitive-behavioural therapy works if you actually try it with an open mind and put in full effort. It isn't sitting around for years talking about what the root of the problem is, the focus is "Here's where I am now, what can I do about it." The behavioural stuff changes how you do things and the cognitive stuff changes how you think about things. I found I made more improvements more quickly if I incorporated the techniques and beliefs into all of my life. Relegating it to 3 hours every Monday evening would have done absolutely nothing.

I saw the difference between people who were putting in the time and people who were actively working. One guy coasted along for the 1st month, doing his homework but not actually trying to change and nothing happened. He started actually trying and he made some of the most dramatic improvements of anyone. He was a non-believer in the power of therapy but the therapist convinced him to give his full effortfor a couple of weeks and once he saw the improvement, he was convinced.