comment on symbolism in relationships
Sep. 11th, 2003 01:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jayDredged up from a conversation still going on in a month-old entry of mine...
[quote frombikerscum:]
Why does it devalue to you a sincere offer to babysit if you know that similar offers are made to others?
(grin) it doesn't! That's not my context. My context is: if offers to babysit are made to others, but not to me, then *I'm* devalued (not the offer) with respect to whatever set of others, in the network of the person making the babysitting offers. In a connectionist sense, my link-weighting estimate is reduced.
If the given person makes babysitting offers to a stranger-with-kids he's just met, but I'm supposedly a close friend of his and he's never offered (or refused my past request), then my estimation of the value of my friendship in that person's eyes is placed lower than that of someone he's just met -- i.e., practically zero.
In a third-grade context... (grin)
If mommy gives all the other kids a cookie but won't give me one, that means that she must love all of them more than me... If she gives one to the new kid that just moved in down the street, but not to me, then she must not love me at all, because she doesn't love the new kid at all (and I'm even less important that he is, because he gets a cookie and I don't).
That's over-simplified, but how I feel about symbolism... especially for publicly-displayed things. The "cookie" may be unimportant in itself, but as a token it conveys information about the state of a given friendship or relationship.
[quote from
bikerscum:]Why does it devalue to you a sincere offer to babysit if you know that similar offers are made to others?
(grin) it doesn't! That's not my context. My context is: if offers to babysit are made to others, but not to me, then *I'm* devalued (not the offer) with respect to whatever set of others, in the network of the person making the babysitting offers. In a connectionist sense, my link-weighting estimate is reduced.
If the given person makes babysitting offers to a stranger-with-kids he's just met, but I'm supposedly a close friend of his and he's never offered (or refused my past request), then my estimation of the value of my friendship in that person's eyes is placed lower than that of someone he's just met -- i.e., practically zero.
In a third-grade context... (grin)
If mommy gives all the other kids a cookie but won't give me one, that means that she must love all of them more than me... If she gives one to the new kid that just moved in down the street, but not to me, then she must not love me at all, because she doesn't love the new kid at all (and I'm even less important that he is, because he gets a cookie and I don't).
That's over-simplified, but how I feel about symbolism... especially for publicly-displayed things. The "cookie" may be unimportant in itself, but as a token it conveys information about the state of a given friendship or relationship.
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no subject
Date: 2003-09-11 01:52 pm (UTC)i look at many things in much the same way. if him and her and i are all friends of 'z' and 'z' invites the other two someplace and not me, then i am less of a friend to 'z'. now i have since learned that this is not always true. in some cases, 'z' knows that i will not like (for example) whatever the activity is, so doesn't even mention it to me. it is not that i am less of a friend, but rather, 'z' knows me pretty well!
in the same breath, however, knowing that this is what is going on and not being hurt by it are two different things! i would much rather receive the invite and decline it of my own accord or; who knows, maybe the company would be worth enduring the event!
no subject
Date: 2003-09-13 06:35 pm (UTC)