comment on symbolism in relationships

[jay]

Dredged up from a conversation still going on in a month-old entry of mine...

[quote from bikerscum:]
Why does it devalue to you a sincere offer to babysit if you know that similar offers are made to others?

(grin) it doesn't! That's not my context. My context is: if offers to babysit are made to others, but not to me, then *I'm* devalued (not the offer) with respect to whatever set of others, in the network of the person making the babysitting offers. In a connectionist sense, my link-weighting estimate is reduced.

If the given person makes babysitting offers to a stranger-with-kids he's just met, but I'm supposedly a close friend of his and he's never offered (or refused my past request), then my estimation of the value of my friendship in that person's eyes is placed lower than that of someone he's just met -- i.e., practically zero.

In a third-grade context... (grin)

If mommy gives all the other kids a cookie but won't give me one, that means that she must love all of them more than me... If she gives one to the new kid that just moved in down the street, but not to me, then she must not love me at all, because she doesn't love the new kid at all (and I'm even less important that he is, because he gets a cookie and I don't).

That's over-simplified, but how I feel about symbolism... especially for publicly-displayed things. The "cookie" may be unimportant in itself, but as a token it conveys information about the state of a given friendship or relationship.

Comments

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

(nods) if Z knows that you don't like the given activity, it could actually be considered a sign of affection that they *don't* invite you there. Although if I were Z, I'd want to formally offer [activity] at least once, just in case my assessment of your likes/dislikes was in error. As you alluded to in the receive/decline instance, if Z elects to not offer, you don't have a choice -- and you might have chosen to, say, go bowling in order to hang out with Z.