Re-entry forebodings

[jay]

I've been homesick at times... often I dearly miss the kids and Pat and ordinary, familiar things. Part of me is very ready to come home. But part of me is dreading it... this has been a nice little stasis, away from politics and news and relationship issues and financial and job stress. Just the mission, the science, the goals. Once I'm home, things may change or have changed for the worse... and I'm not sure how I fit in anywhere, anymore. Or with whom, individuals as well as groups. But I have no choice. Maybe things will be OK. Or at least tolerable...

Comments

[hopeforyou.livejournal.com]

This may sound unrelated, but: Can you get on chat soon? I'm dealing with similar issues.

when you get home

[p3aches.livejournal.com]

when you get home, I will be looking forward to seeing you. I will also be looking forward to lots of hugs. And to seeing your face. I have really enjoyed all the pictures you have posted. Hugs and snuggles T

Re: when you get home

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Hugs will be welcome :-). And I'm glad that you liked the pictures, as I sometimes worried that they were the equivalent of boring dinner-guests with last year's vacation slides...

[wordweaverlynn.livejournal.com]

Coming home advice

I know how wonderful it can be to slip into work mode and away from complicated, sticky relationships, and how scary it can be to come back. This is something my husband and I dealt with a great deal at one point (when our marriage was working).

You’re going to need to prepare for this -- but you’ll also need to spend some time getting over jet lag and readjusting. Some kind of homecoming ritual can be helpful .

As for how to address some of these issues: don’t try to do all these at once, but ponder them over the next few days.

The first thing is to try to remember all the good things about the life you're coming back to: Pat and her love for you, your cherished sons, your own home, your otherloves. Remember how homesick you've been.

Also, try to imagine what life has been like for the people you love while you've been gone. Some of it has been good. Some of it has been damned hard. It can be easy to feel defensive and guilty. I mean, you've been off working in exotic Spain, while everyone else is dealing with dreary mundane matters here. In my experience, the best way to defuse this is to address it upfront. Tell them you missed them. That you’re sorry you weren’t there to share in the ups and downs of ordinary life.

You might also want to think about ways you can ease Pat’s burden when you’re away and reward her when you return. Nothing gets rid of guilt, uneasiness, and defensiveness like actually making amends.

Also, at some point you might tell your friends and family that since you aren’t always there for those things, you wonder how you fit into their lives. If you can go away for three weeks and everyone survives, are you really needed? (The answer is yes, but it’s nice to hear it.) Not just needed to help with blocked sinks or whatever, but needed as a friend, companion, lover, father.

You’ve had some time alone. Now you can take some time to grow back toward the people you care about.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Actually, the relationship issues that most worried me last week (and still do) aren't returning-home-to- patgreene issues, they are elsewhere. A couple of elsewheres, one weighing on my mind persistently like a lead fedora. But I can easily envision worst-case scenarios that propagate domino-like from elsewhere to seriously affect that relationship at home.

Seeing the kids has been great -- and energetic. And Pat's been loving and supportive and given me space today. And it is great to hold her close again. My otherloves are LDRs, and hence no more accessible than from Spain... actually less so, considering that I saw both of them in person while on that trip.

off working in exotic Spain, while everyone else is dealing with dreary mundane matters here

True... now it is time to pay dues, and shoulder my share of dreariness. And I need to reward Pat somehow... I've offered to send her away on a trip somewhere, but she doesn't know where she'd go.

Actually, it scrapes for Pat while I'm gone, but often it looks like she's more capable -- more in charge of herself and the kids -- when I'm not around. I've wondered if I'm really needed -- and even if I actually make things function worse when I'm here.

Socially, I feel pretty isolated. But I can't make people want to invite me to events, or include me in gatherings -- I have no power to do that, no mind-control. So I'm an outsider at church, an outsider at poly events, and even an outsider at my skating class. I feel that none of those groups particularly welcomes me, but I'm tolerated as long as I'm not too annoying. Or overtly different. So I don't know where I really fit, if anywhere.

And work-wise... I'll have fewer hours available, more people wanting my time, and more distractions. Less focus...

[patgreene.livejournal.com]

Actually, it scrapes for Pat while I'm gone, but often it looks like she's more capable -- more in charge of herself and the kids -- when I'm not around.

Not to be argumentative, but how would you know? You aren't here to assess the situation. How much of that might be wishful thinking: "Pat is more capable when I'm not here, so I don't have to feel guilty about being away"?

I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, but what you said smacks to me of rationalization. I may be more "capable" in the sense that I get things done (and, actually, I'm not sure that that's true, necessarily, either), but I'm far less happy, far more stressed, and far more worn out when I'm on my own.

Ah,

[vokzal.livejournal.com]

But you've got little Neat Treasures for the kids, right? And similar-but-appropriate for other Important People in your life.
I would think that would help them remember that you do value them even though you might avoid them for a bit from jetlag.

And work, well, just tell them jetlag, right? :>

Ok, I don't really know what morass you're walking back into, but I bet you can handle it. And I bet that those close to you will understand. (At least, I hope so.)

Re: Ah,

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

I have a wealth of little items... that helped a bit with the kids. And Pat appears to like her new boots. At work... I have to catch up quickly and run a NASA-wide meeting here next Thursday.

[patgreene.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[dawnd.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I am looking forward to our lunch next week.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Me too... I had been a little concerned that (given all of the issues that *you* have had to handle lately, and your crowded schedule) that might have had to be postponed, if only for your sanity ;-). But I'll be happy to see you next week :-).