Re-entry forebodings

[jay]

I've been homesick at times... often I dearly miss the kids and Pat and ordinary, familiar things. Part of me is very ready to come home. But part of me is dreading it... this has been a nice little stasis, away from politics and news and relationship issues and financial and job stress. Just the mission, the science, the goals. Once I'm home, things may change or have changed for the worse... and I'm not sure how I fit in anywhere, anymore. Or with whom, individuals as well as groups. But I have no choice. Maybe things will be OK. Or at least tolerable...

Comments

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Actually, the relationship issues that most worried me last week (and still do) aren't returning-home-to- patgreene issues, they are elsewhere. A couple of elsewheres, one weighing on my mind persistently like a lead fedora. But I can easily envision worst-case scenarios that propagate domino-like from elsewhere to seriously affect that relationship at home.

Seeing the kids has been great -- and energetic. And Pat's been loving and supportive and given me space today. And it is great to hold her close again. My otherloves are LDRs, and hence no more accessible than from Spain... actually less so, considering that I saw both of them in person while on that trip.

off working in exotic Spain, while everyone else is dealing with dreary mundane matters here

True... now it is time to pay dues, and shoulder my share of dreariness. And I need to reward Pat somehow... I've offered to send her away on a trip somewhere, but she doesn't know where she'd go.

Actually, it scrapes for Pat while I'm gone, but often it looks like she's more capable -- more in charge of herself and the kids -- when I'm not around. I've wondered if I'm really needed -- and even if I actually make things function worse when I'm here.

Socially, I feel pretty isolated. But I can't make people want to invite me to events, or include me in gatherings -- I have no power to do that, no mind-control. So I'm an outsider at church, an outsider at poly events, and even an outsider at my skating class. I feel that none of those groups particularly welcomes me, but I'm tolerated as long as I'm not too annoying. Or overtly different. So I don't know where I really fit, if anywhere.

And work-wise... I'll have fewer hours available, more people wanting my time, and more distractions. Less focus...

[patgreene.livejournal.com]

Actually, it scrapes for Pat while I'm gone, but often it looks like she's more capable -- more in charge of herself and the kids -- when I'm not around.

Not to be argumentative, but how would you know? You aren't here to assess the situation. How much of that might be wishful thinking: "Pat is more capable when I'm not here, so I don't have to feel guilty about being away"?

I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, but what you said smacks to me of rationalization. I may be more "capable" in the sense that I get things done (and, actually, I'm not sure that that's true, necessarily, either), but I'm far less happy, far more stressed, and far more worn out when I'm on my own.