Am I understanding your premise? If so, then on a personal level, by trying to be as little bother as possible, I'd actually be *more*... (scratches head) Um.
Exactly.
Remember the scene downstairs in the Observatory library last Wednesday as an example. You were on the fringes, unhappily watching other people have fun. In order to do anything about that, your friends would have had to a) notice that you weren't having fun and b) come up with a hypothesis as to why you weren't having fun (is he lonely? would he rather be alone but feels obligated to be here with people? is he cranky because it's too cold, or too dark? was it something we said?) and c) figured out what to do about it based on the hypothesis and d) executed that plan. And because most or all of us flubbed on item a, we all got to read about it on LJ the next day and feel crappy about it.
Was that really less bother than just saying, "hey. can I sit with you guys and have some strawberries?"
If I'd kept things quiet and not written about it (I was blaming myself, I didn't expect others to feel bad about my failures...) then arguably it would have been less bother. No interruption of the group activity, and any internal discomfort on my part would have been hidden.
we all got to read about it on LJ the next day and feel crappy about it
But by my talking about it, thereby tripping a discussion, I've caused a total of more bother and effort than if I'd just asked for a backrub or a strawberry.
Moral: I should either learn to ask for things directly, or else be better at sucking it up and keeping any unmet-needs or frustration hidden if I don't ask (or ask indirectly).
As your friends, and thus as people who want you to be happy, I think that most of us would be unhappy to learn that you're hiding frustrations and unmet-needs rather then asking. To me, it seems dishonest. It adds to the fragility of the relationship. That's not happy..
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jay
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no subject
Date: 2004-04-20 12:23 am (UTC)Exactly.
Remember the scene downstairs in the Observatory library last Wednesday as an example. You were on the fringes, unhappily watching other people have fun. In order to do anything about that, your friends would have had to a) notice that you weren't having fun and b) come up with a hypothesis as to why you weren't having fun (is he lonely? would he rather be alone but feels obligated to be here with people? is he cranky because it's too cold, or too dark? was it something we said?) and c) figured out what to do about it based on the hypothesis and d) executed that plan. And because most or all of us flubbed on item a, we all got to read about it on LJ the next day and feel crappy about it.
Was that really less bother than just saying, "hey. can I sit with you guys and have some strawberries?"
no subject
Date: 2004-04-24 10:30 pm (UTC)we all got to read about it on LJ the next day and feel crappy about it
But by my talking about it, thereby tripping a discussion, I've caused a total of more bother and effort than if I'd just asked for a backrub or a strawberry.
Moral: I should either learn to ask for things directly, or else be better at sucking it up and keeping any unmet-needs or frustration hidden if I don't ask (or ask indirectly).
no subject
Date: 2004-05-01 12:40 am (UTC)It might be the immediatly easier answer, but..