good start, down finish

[jay]

Monday morning started off as usual, helping patgreene get the kids away to school. But since our car had to go in the shop, I borrowed tenacious_snail's... she came by along with cyan_blue (who had stayed over after the previous night's party ;). So I got early hugs from everyone, a lovely start to the day. Then off to work.

Lunchtime I met dawnd in San Mateo, after she and akienm had dropped off grynz at SFO airport. I had sushi with both of them, and enjoyed their narratives. Afterwards, I spent some one-on-one time with Dawn before heading back to work. And then picking up the car from the shop, finishing work, and listening to Pat shout after she poured boiling water over her left hand (she was trying to use a grease screen as a pasta strainer).

Afterward, things began to spiral, a bit... I was stressed from home, and late, and picked up Les to go to a HAI monthly support group. It was not a supportive experience... I didn't know many people there. There were 34 people, nearly record attendance but for the initial exercise I was the last one left standing, unable to find a partner. I was rescued by p3aches, who opened up her dyad. And I was happy to be invited in, if sheepish. Then later I was embarrassed to discover that my buddy from L4 was there, and I hadn't recognized her (she'd bleached and cut her hair, granted). And finally on the last exercise -- ironically, on gratitude -- my exercise partner R literally bolted and left the premises in mid-exercise. That felt... pretty rejecting, even if logically he had his own issues in play. So by the end of the evening, what had been a pretty uplifting day had crashed. HAI workshops take me a couple of hours to open up, and last for two days... in these brief meetings, I'm only just dropping my defenses by the time the event ends.

Comments

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Pat's hand seems to be better. :)

And it is almost always a pleasure to spend time with you. :) I'm glad to have had a chance to see Akien too, it had been awhile.

Choosing-wise... I'm cautious about boundaries. In a workshop, I would have the benefit of chill space beforehand as well as an opening puja-like exercise that is good as a way to assess who is, and isn't, open to me... given eye contact and body language. Within those with whom I feel open and comfortable, at the last couple of workshops I've started proactively choosing and asking. Hearing "no" has happened more often than not, but that's OK.

But at these short events, I have no chance to "read" the group and figure out likely candidates to approach later to suggest doing an exercise. Long-time participants all know each other and tend to glom together rather than picking/being picked by newcomers... unlike, say, contra dancing I've attended, where veterans often make a point of asking newcomers for a dance.

And while rationally (and today) I know that it isn't about my self-worth, *in that moment* it feels like I'm worthless and unwanted, even though some other part of my brain is telling me that that's silly. One difference from a few years ago. :)

[cyan-blue.livejournal.com]

And while rationally (and today) I know that it isn't about my self-worth, *in that moment* it feels like I'm worthless and unwanted, even though some other part of my brain is telling me that that's silly. One difference from a few years ago. :)

Go you, for being able to realize that it isn't truly about your self worth. Even if that knowledge isn't accessible right in the difficult moments yet, it seems like you're on the path to that.

*hugs*