asking and receiving

[jay]

At one point today, I went to the office of the principal investigator of the largest drilling-automation project... she and I discussed our project goals and milestones, and eventually budgets. She promised that I'd have at least $40-50K/yr, possibly more out of reserves and educational outreach.

Last Friday, I was given $100K to cover labor support on my vehicle health management program. In both of these cases, I was initially rebuffed, but persistently returned and made a case. And was ultimately successful in gaining funding for my projects and support for my staff.

I wonder why I can do this successfully for others or for projects, but not for myself... it is OK to be patient and persistent and *ask* for things for my projects. Initial rejection is shrugged off as due to their current circumstances or a lack of full understanding of the merits of whatever I'm proposing. I don't take it as a personal referendum.

Conversely, on a personal, social level, it takes me a long time to ask for *anything*... it seems selfish, somehow. Or self-centered. Why should I bother others? I don't even ask patgreene for things, and we've been together for years. And initial rejection feels like a final, immutably-negative evaluation of my worth as a person. It is a personal judgement that threatens my core sense of self. So I almost never dare to ask for anything personal, unless I think I have a really good chance of agreement *and* it doesn't seem like much of a bother to whomever I'm asking. I strive to avoid asking for help in anything unless I'm desperate or the help is trivial.

And the implications of this asking-dichotomy in my relationships are probably evident... I am much bolder and self-assured in the workplace than outside it, for one thing.

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[brian1789.livejournal.com]

(nods) I know that I'm talented, accomplished, have left my own small imprint on the world, create weird stuff, have explored and named geographical features, have great friends, am fitter and trimmer than average for my age group, am brighter than most everyone and can do almost anything I turn my hand towards. I can fly a plane, have travelled widely and know astronauts and Nobel laureates. I've saved a life, can ice-dance, and helped raise three bright, high-energy boys, two of whom have special needs. There are papers and patents and honors and various degrees plastered over my office wall. Dry humor. Compassion. Ethics. At some level, I know I'm pretty hot stuff, so to speak...

But nonetheless, in social or family situations my underlying emotional programming is "I'm not deserving of this person's time and attention", let alone love and affection. Asking for anything becomes very hard... I tell myself that I should be content, and not bothersome or dependent. Sigh...