asking and receiving

[jay]

At one point today, I went to the office of the principal investigator of the largest drilling-automation project... she and I discussed our project goals and milestones, and eventually budgets. She promised that I'd have at least $40-50K/yr, possibly more out of reserves and educational outreach.

Last Friday, I was given $100K to cover labor support on my vehicle health management program. In both of these cases, I was initially rebuffed, but persistently returned and made a case. And was ultimately successful in gaining funding for my projects and support for my staff.

I wonder why I can do this successfully for others or for projects, but not for myself... it is OK to be patient and persistent and *ask* for things for my projects. Initial rejection is shrugged off as due to their current circumstances or a lack of full understanding of the merits of whatever I'm proposing. I don't take it as a personal referendum.

Conversely, on a personal, social level, it takes me a long time to ask for *anything*... it seems selfish, somehow. Or self-centered. Why should I bother others? I don't even ask patgreene for things, and we've been together for years. And initial rejection feels like a final, immutably-negative evaluation of my worth as a person. It is a personal judgement that threatens my core sense of self. So I almost never dare to ask for anything personal, unless I think I have a really good chance of agreement *and* it doesn't seem like much of a bother to whomever I'm asking. I strive to avoid asking for help in anything unless I'm desperate or the help is trivial.

And the implications of this asking-dichotomy in my relationships are probably evident... I am much bolder and self-assured in the workplace than outside it, for one thing.

Comments

[dawnd.livejournal.com]

A very good thing to have recognized about yourself. I think if you can carry some of that self-confidence over into your personal life, you'll find it smooths things quite a lot. I know the less I make any "rejection" (a loaded term in itself) "mean something about ME," the better a chance there is that the answer might be YES in the future.

[boubabe.livejournal.com]

This echoes very familiar feelings of my own. I'm absolutely terrible at asking for anything. I, too, have to learn that it is okay to persue things for myself, either in the workplace or in my social/family life. I think the reason for this is because I am fairly easygoing so I can get by on what I am given, but there is also a less healthy part of me that feels not only like I don't need more but that I don't deserve more.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

I haven't yet learned how to shrug-off being turned down on a personal level, at least not to the same extent as on a career level... I wish I could carry over some of that confidence. Shucks, I wish I could carry over some bravado and daring with it ;-). I'm willing to risk my neck in the name of Science or for my country, but approaching pretty girls terrifies me more than the prospect of polar bears... (grin).

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

(nods) I know that I'm talented, accomplished, have left my own small imprint on the world, create weird stuff, have explored and named geographical features, have great friends, am fitter and trimmer than average for my age group, am brighter than most everyone and can do almost anything I turn my hand towards. I can fly a plane, have travelled widely and know astronauts and Nobel laureates. I've saved a life, can ice-dance, and helped raise three bright, high-energy boys, two of whom have special needs. There are papers and patents and honors and various degrees plastered over my office wall. Dry humor. Compassion. Ethics. At some level, I know I'm pretty hot stuff, so to speak...

But nonetheless, in social or family situations my underlying emotional programming is "I'm not deserving of this person's time and attention", let alone love and affection. Asking for anything becomes very hard... I tell myself that I should be content, and not bothersome or dependent. Sigh...

[kiya]

Meh -- you are me and I claim our five pounds.

I don't know how to fix it either.

It's hard. I find it's like rolling a big rock uphill, it takes a huge energy investment to get that boulder up to the point at which I can push it down the other side, that I can ask.

And more often than not, because of that, if the answer isn't "Yes", I fall on my face and hurt something.

Which makes the next damn rock that much heavier . . . .

Meh!

[technomom]

If you figure out how to get better at this, please share. Neither I nor sambear are good about asking for anything in our personal lives. *hugs*

[dawnd.livejournal.com]

Nice pic! I do find it amusing, because I have a much harder time on the CAREER level than on a personal one these days (knowing and asking for what I want). I'm not sure when things changed, but they definitely did.

What about approaching pretty girls seems tantamount to facing polar bears? What does it "say about you" if one said "I really can't right now"? (grin) And I'm fine if you'd rather answer that either a) not at all, or b) in private e-mail.

Gotta take Allegra to school. I HATE Wednesdays!

*hugs*

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Thanks... it is hard to know when or how to ask. Or who can be trusted to be asked...

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

(smile) as long as I get my 2,50 ...

if the answer isn't "Yes", I fall on my face and hurt something.

Or the rock rolls backwards over me, back down the hill, dragging me behind it.

Meh, indeed. :-|

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Thanks! That's me in the Hamilton-Sundstrand Mars suit prototype, last summer on Devon Island when we were comparing suited humans to rovers doing geology.

I'm not sure when things changed, but they definitely did.

Does that mean that the polarity changed (i.e., career-asking used to be easier than personal/social-asking) or simply that career-asking became much harder?

approaching pretty girls seems tantamount to facing polar bears

(chuckle) I think I'll make that one a separate posting...

What does it "say about you"
Heh. (grin)

It could say one of several things or nothing about me, depending on the underlying meaning... interpreted by inflection, emphasis, body language and attitude, I guess.

If the pretty girl's emphasis was on "I *really* can't...", with no future indication of change, then it sounds like "no, not ever, but I'm letting you down easily." In which case it would say that I'm less interesting/attractive/compatible than any other people with whom the given pretty girl socializes or will in the future. In that particular person's judgement...

If the emphasis was on "...*can't* right now", it might reflect purely external circumstances (and hence say little about me) or a desire to gather more information (in which case I *might* be interesting, but will need to be more accessible before being welcomed as a friend).

If there were a pause before "... __right now," then it would sound like the pretty girl is actually somewhat interested but too busy to do anything at the moment. In which case, it would actually say something mildly positive about me, as viewed by the pretty girl.

So there are multiple interpretations of the same few, simple words that could say vastly-different things about me (or nothing about me at all...). But YMMV ... it is all guesswork.